


The Sound of Silence

by XX_InfinityWriter_XX



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accidental Drug Use, Alastair Being an Asshole, Alternate Universe - High School, Bullied Castiel, Castiel Sings, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Mute Castiel, Muteness, My First Smut, Overprotective Dean Winchester, Plotty, Rape, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-23
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-16 17:32:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 53,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7277368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XX_InfinityWriter_XX/pseuds/XX_InfinityWriter_XX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean has been told that he is worthless and a waste of space, so much that he has began believing it too. That is until he meets Castiel, a very handsome, literate, and understanding guy who is selectively mute and doesn't speak in any situation by his decision. Despite his lack of words, the two connect seamlessly and both realize that to fix their problems, they need each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Come to Talk

When Dean opens his bedroom door and is hit once again by the smell of liquor and cigarette smoke coming from the living room, he isn't even surprised. He's relieved, if that makes any sense. It means that his drunk of a dad made it home from the bar without getting hit by a car or wrapping his own around a tree, again. But then again, he can't really drive any more, so that's unrealistic. Not since Dean took the keys away on his Uncle Bobby's orders and now keeps the car out of John's irresponsible hands. He takes a deep breath before walking down the dingy hallway to the door at the very end.

Dean opens the door slightly, but when he sees that Sam is still passed out, Dean decides to give him a few more minutes before waking him up. It's not like they have school today, it is Saturday in the summer, but Dean doesn't want to be here when John wakes up.

He doesn't need to be told how worthless he is this early in the morning, there's plenty of time for that later today.

Not that he doesn't deserve it, because he definitely thinks he does. He knows that it's his fault John is in this position anyways, or at least that's what John tells him anyways. He runs a hand through his hair as he quietly shuts Sam's door again and wanders carefully to the little bathroom. He flips on the florescent light and sighs at his reflection staring at him from the mirror. 

He has dark purple bags under his eyes that make it obvious how badly his night was with his nightmare ridden sleep. He was up until eleven anyways and after sleeping for a total of one hour, he woke up shaking and in tears. The rest of the night was spent trying to keep himself from falling back to sleep in fear of having another dream. They've been getting worse lately and he has no idea why. It's not like he hasn't been dealing with this for years, it has been twelve years since he supposedly caught the house on fire, killing his mom and almost himself. He does have the faint scars on his body that prove it.  Which, is another reason he looks away from the mirror with a full on scowl.

Dean pulls off his shirt and sweatpants while very pointedly not looking at the mirror. He starts up the shower and hops in without allowing the water to heat up, but doesn't even shy away from the freezing water. He just allows it to run over his head and rinse away the negative thoughts.

He grabs the cheap shampoo from the small shelf built into the wall and squirts some into his palm before rubbing into his hair, the smell of artificial mango filling the small shower stall. It's better than the apple shampoo Sam had insisted on getting last time, but he still wishes he didn't have to use something so fruity smelling that doesn't do anything but get his hair clean.

That's all they can afford, so he doesn't complain because it does the job. It's lucky they have what they do anyways. 

After the shower he pulls on a flannel, jeans, and his leather jacket before waking Sam up. They're not headed anywhere, but Dean thinks maybe a visit downtown could do the both of them some good. He sits down on Sam's bed while the kid is in the bathroom, just because he doesn't feel like sitting in the living room or kitchen where his dad could potentially be.

Dean looks around Sam's little bedroom, his eyes lingering on the few drawings above the twin-sized bed. A small smile graces his lips as he looks at the hand drawn family portrait. It's based on their life from before the fire, not that Sam should remember that time. Dean wants to look away, but can't bring himself to.

He wishes that there was an actual picture like this.

Sam comes in to Dean looking at the picture with a weird intensity, but Dean snaps out of it right away.

"You ready, Sammy?" he asks after he notices that Sam's dressed. With Sam's nod, they both head out of the house without making a sound. 

"Are we gonna drive?" Sam asks, looking at Dean's Impala pointedly. 

"Would you be okay if we didn't? I was thinking we could just walk into town and maybe do some window shopping," Dean suggests, looking at his brother and shrugging slightly. They both know they won't be doing much shopping, but it's nice to dream anyways. "It would be quicker to drive, but it's a nice day." 

"That's fine," Sam says, so they both start walking in the direction of town.

It's only about a mile away from their house, so it will only take about twenty minutes to get into to town if they walk at a quick pace. Neither of them are feeling very energized though, so they walk slow. They don't talk on the way, but it's a comfortable silence that neither of them feel the need to break.

Dean takes a deep breath of the clean, crisp air and sighs before pulling out a small box from his pocket. He pulls a cigarette from the box and uses his lighter to light it up. He takes a drag of it and relishes the feeling of the nicotine entering his bloodstream. Dean blows the smoke out of his mouth and continues the process until the cigarette is gone.

He ignores the sad, disappointed looks that Sam keeps sending him from the corner of his eye.  

He knows Sam doesn't like when he drinks or smokes and he did try to quit both last year, but he couldn't. He typically only drinks when the nightmares are bad or he can't get out of his own brain. He knows how bad that sounds and it only makes him think about how weak he is. He knows how pathetic he is, how worthless and useless he is. He doesn't need anybody to tell him, especially not his dad, just how pathetic he actually is. Sam tried to help him quit, but one night Dean woke up absolutely terrified and found a bottle of whiskey, which he drank all of that night. After that, he couldn't stop the drinking and he hadn't honestly tried to stop smoking.

He feels bad for making Sam worry, but he can't even function on some days without a drink and a pack of cigarettes. 

By the time they make it into town it's eleven, which means they have about three hours until Dean has to take Sam home and go to work.

"Where you wanna go first, Sammy?" Dean asks with a smile plastered across his face. Sam doesn't answer, just grabs his sleeve and pulls him in the direction of the bookstore. Dean chuckles, he figured Sam would want to go there, the little nerd. He doesn't say anything-- as long as Sam is happy, Dean's happy. They walk to the little store on the corner quickly. When they walk in, it's almost like a weight was lifted off of Sam's shoulders. He seems to relax and smiles for the first time this morning. Dean takes a deep breath in and feels a smile of his own grow on his face.

Sam instantly goes looking through the shelves, leaving Dean to glance around by himself.

He walks over to the shelf with a sign titled 'Classics' and looks through them. He runs his fingers over the weathered edges of a first edition copy of Animal Farm and smiles. He hasn't read it yet, but his English teacher talks about Orwell like he hung the fucking moon just by writing this book. Dean looks at the price, shocked to find it a reasonable amount. He nods slightly and turns to find Sammy.

He just about jumps out of his skin when he almost runs into someone who was standing right behind him.

"Holy shit, you scared me," Dean laughs, looking at the stranger who obviously works there and meets bright blue eyes that give him an apologetic look. "It's okay, it was my fault," he says. The man looks down at the book that Dean forgot he was carrying and furrows his brows along with a little head tilt.

"Oh, have you read this before? I never have, but I hear it's good."

The guy nods and walks around Dean to point at another book with his eyebrows still furrowed, which Dean thinks means he's asking him if he's read that one. Dean takes a closer look and nods when he sees that it's Slaughter House 5.

"Yea, I love that one. It has to be one of my favorite books," Dean says. The guy nods thoughtfully, but then shakes his head as if saying 'not my favorite'. He points yet again at another book by Vonnegut called Player Piano. "I've never read that one," he says, earning a shocked expression from the stranger.

"What's your name?" He asks, curious to know about the very literate stranger who is honestly one of the most handsome guys that Dean has seen. He didn't realize it right away, but now that he takes a moment to look the guy over, _damn_ is he hot. His blue eyes pop off of his pale skin and his dark hair makes his skin look even paler than it probably is.

The man points to his name tag instead of answering, the sassy fucker. Dean chuckles and looks at the name. "Casteel?" He says, but the guy shakes his head no.

"CastIel?" Another shake of the guy's head. "Can I just call ya Cas?" Dean asks, earning a nod and a bright smile that spreads to Cas's eyes. "You don't say much, do ya Cas?" Dean laughs, but it's cut off when another voice sounds out from behind him. 

"That's 'cause he's mute, dumb ass," The voice says. Dean turns to see a shorter man with brown hair at the counter.

"My name's Gabriel. That's Castiel, he's mute. If you couldn't tell by how he just points to things and nods and stuff," Gabriel says as if Dean was a moron. "I own the place, he works here."

"Well calling potential customers 'dumb asses' isn't necessarily good business, is it Gabe?" Dean says. Gabriel just laughs, looking at the book still tucked under Dean's arm, silently calling him out. Luckily, Sam chooses that moment to come walking around the shelves with a book in hand and a smile on his face. "Did you find one, Sammy?" Dean asks, thankful for the diversion. Sam nods, but looks at Castiel and Gabriel warily.  

"Yea, can I get it?" He asks quietly, knowing that they have barely any money for food this month because of their dad's decision to take some of the money from the bank account to use for a bottle of whiskey. Dean nods and puts an arm on his shoulder. 

"'Course ya can, Sam. I'm gonna get one," Dean says, holding up his book. "This is Castiel and Gabriel, by the way. Gabe owns the store."

Sam smiles and begins talking with Gabe, slowly walking over to the counter that Gabe's standing at and pulls out some money that Dean had given him before they left the house to pay. Dean turns to Cas who is seemingly spaced out while looking out the front window. Dean takes a step forward and catches Castiel's bright eyes.

"So Cas, do you go to school here?" Dean asks.

Castiel nods enthusiastically and looks at Dean with a question in his eyes, as if he's asking 'what grade are you in?'.

Dean can't quite place how he knows what Cas is saying just by looking into his eyes, but he can.

"I'll be a senior this year," He says. Cas nods and points at Dean then himself. Dean understands, 'me too'.

"Did you just move here? I haven't seen ya around before," He asks. Castiel nods somberly and his eyes turn sad slightly. "You miss your old school?" Cas nods again. "It's okay, you won't be alone when school starts next week. I'll come find you and you can hang with me and my Charlie, if you want to, I mean," Dean says. Cas looks at him with a strange look in his eye that Dean can't place, but he eventually nods, getting more enthusiastic as it goes on.

"Great, I'll see you next week then," Dean smiles, which Castiel mirrors. 

"Dean, you ready?" Sam asks, breaking up the little bubble that Dean and Castiel had fallen into. Dean nods and smiles once more at Cas, at little more subdued this time, before heading out the door. 

"Bye Cas," He says with a small wave, that Cas answers with a wave of his own. 

***

Sam and Dean decide to walk up and down the streets of town, stopping only when something seems really interesting. Dean eventually agrees to let Sam walk home by himself, but only with the promise that he would call when he gets there. They continue to walk without saying much of anything, both of them just enjoying the peacefulness of the downtown area in their little town. They stop at the small ice cream shop to get cones to eat while they walk. Dean looks over at Sam and smiles at the happiness in his younger brother's eyes.

Dean may not think that he deserves happiness, but he is positive the Sam does. He doesn't deserve what he's been through and Dean sometimes wishes that Sam had been born to a different family that was better than his little one he has now, not that Dean would trade his family for the world. Sure, his dad's an asshole who drinks too much and gets violent, but at least they have a dad, right? Dean can't help but feel guilty for how his dad is now, he knows it's his fault. His dad's words echo in his brain all day, every day.  _You killed you mom, you worthless piece of shit. It should've been you, it's your fault. You deserve everything I do to you._

"Dean, it's almost one. Can I walk with you to the garage, though? I wanna see Bobby for a second," Sam asks, pulling Dean out of his head. Dean looks down at his brother's ridiculous puppy eyes and rolls his eyes. Sam knows that if he does the puppy eyes thing, Dean can't say no. 

"Yea, sure Sammy. It's not too far of a walk from the house. What book did you end up getting?" Dean asks, knowing that if he gets Sam on the topic of books that he'll talk the whole ten minutes to the garage. Sam doesn't disappoint and goes in to great detail explaining the plot and characters of the book he checked out. He tells Dean how his teacher had recommended it the year before, but Sam forgot about it until he saw it on the shelf in the bookstore. Dean nods along to the whole story and tries not to laugh about how passionate Sam is about the book.

It's not like Dean can't talk forever about something, like his music for example. He once talked to his friend Charlie about Led Zeppelin for half an hour without stopping to let her speak.

When they get to the garage, there's lots of loud noises erupting from inside. To most, they might think it was intrusive. To Dean, the sounds of machines working and cars being fixed is comforting. As they enter the garage, Dean skillfully maneuvers through the organized chaos of spare parts sitting on the floor. He looks back to make sure Sam is following, which he is, and walks to the office where they are sure to find Bobby. When they get to the tiny room, Bobby is sitting at his desk typing on a computer that looks like it's from the dinosaur era. 

"Hey Bobby," Dean says in unison with Sam when they have stood in the office for about thirty seconds without being acknowledged. "Sam wanted to come say hi for a minute before he heads home. I'm just gonna go clock in real quick and then I'll get to work," Dean says before shuffling hurriedly to the little break room and clocks himself in before heading out to work on the next car in the line up. "Hey Ash, what's this one in for?" He asks when he doesn't find a tag on it explaining what is wrong with it.   

"All the person who dropped it off said was that it was making a weird noise. They didn't know much about cars, obviously," Ash calls from the other side of the garage. Dean sighs and grabs the keys to the car out of the little box with the model of the car so they can tell which set goes to which car. He starts the engine and cringes at the metal on metal sound that erupts from the engine. This obviously isn't going to be an easy or cheap fix.

Dean sets to work and ends up fixing the carburetor and replacing the spark plug because they were in terrible condition. The repair took him his entire six hour shift and pulled his attention so much that he doesn't even remember seeing Sam leave. He looks down and realizes that he is covered in oil and absolutely filthy just as Ash yells for him again. "Hey Dean, you get that car all fixed up?"

"Yea Ash, why?" Dean shouts back as he washes his hands in the back. 

"The owner is here for it. They wanna ask the person who fixed it up a few questions," Ash shouts back. Dean doesn't say anything, just nods even though he knows Ash can't see him and dries his hands before heading out to the front desk, a place that he doesn't visit often. Usually his friend Jo, Bobby's step daughter, works the front counter as a type of secretary, but she has been taking time to work at her mom's restaurant lately. Dean pulls up the paper work for the repair, including the price and other random information the owner may need. Dean hears someone walk up to the counter and looks up, his mouth pulling into a smile before he even realizes it. 

"Hey Cas! Didn't expect to see ya again so soon. Are you the owner of the gold Lincoln Continental?" Dean asks a smiling Castiel, who nods promptly. "Okay cool, I just fixed it up for ya. Normally this is the point where I'd chew you out for the spark plugs and the oil level being so low, but I think it would put a strain on our new friendship," Dean chuckles at his own joke while Cas just smiles bigger and nods in agreement.

Dean looks down at the piece of paper he just printed and crosses out the price and gives Cas the friends and family discount without saying anything. Dean knows he just met the guy, but it feels like they've been friends for years. He hands Cas the paper right as Gabriel strolls in the door. 

"Hey Dean-o! You didn't fix up Cassie's junk heap of a car did ya?" Gabe asks, earning a pointed glare from Cas and a nod from Dean. "Damn, guess that means it's more broken now than it was before, huh?" Gabe teases. He slips the piece of paper from Cas's hands and his eyebrows go up slightly. "This is a lot less than I thought-"

"Yea, Bobby has cheap prices," Dean interrupts, not wanting either brother to realize what he did. Gabe just nods, but gives Dean a knowing look before beginning to pull out what Dean assumes is his wallet, when Cas puts his hand on Gabe's arm and shakes his head. Sighing, Gabe puts the wallet back in his pocket as Castiel pulls out his own wallet and hands Dean a credit card, which he promptly swipes and hands back.

Castiel then pulls out a small notebook and a pen from his back pocket and writes something down quickly. He hands Dean the little notepad and puts the pen back in his pocket. Dean looks down at the note and momentarily admires the neat handwriting. **Please charge an extra ten dollars to the card for your tip.** Dean shakes his head.

"Cas, that's way too much. Really, the repair didn't take that long.  _Just my whole shift._ Cas shakes his head and looks at Dean with determination in his eyes. 

"You might as well do what he says, he is super stubborn and won't change his mind," Gabe says after watching the whole exchange. With a sigh of defeat, Dean charges an extra ten dollars to the card and gives Cas a receipt to sign. 

"Thank you, Cas. Have a nice day you guys," Dean says as the two turn to walk out the door. Gabriel does this little wave without turning around, but Castiel turns and smiles before waving too.

Dean finds himself thinking about how blue Cas's eyes are for the rest of the night. He can feel a little crush blooming, but tries not to get his hopes up.  _It won't last, Castiel wanting to be my friend. I know that eventually Cas will leave me and realize that he is so much better than I am. I know it already, so I'll just cherish whatever I can until he realizes it too._ Dean falls asleep thinking about how Cas's eyes had sparkled at the bookstore and his reminders to himself about how pathetic he is and how Castiel will figure that out eventually. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I have some actual plot planned for this fic, so stay tuned!


	2. My Old Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if it's unclear in this chapter (and probably the chapters to come), but the italicized words are Dean's inner thoughts/ monologue. I went through and read it and wasn't sure if it was perfectly understandable, so... Also, any bold words are notes that Castiel has written in this chapter.

The next week passes by like a snail. Dean works everyday that week to try and get money to save up since he won't be working as much during the school year. He hides most of it away so his dad can't take it and waste it on liquor. It doesn't really matter, his dad will find money somehow to ruin his liver. His dad came home drunk every night, as usual, but was more violent for no reason this week. He decided to take his anger out on Dean, who was just happy he was getting the punches instead of Sam.

Dean came out of the Friday night before the first Monday of school with a new bruise on both his face and his back, along with a split lip. When Sam had seen him the next morning, he just shook his head sadly and dragged Dean into the bathroom to clean up his lip. He typically cleans Dean up without saying anything, but this time Sam asked why he never fought back against their dad. Dean replied as he always does when Sam asks, 'he's my dad'. Sam doesn't understand that, but Dean couldn't punch his dad. He just doesn't have it in him. 

Dean slaps his alarm off the instant it goes off, he wasn't even sleeping. He slept the same as he does every night; like shit. He started out okay, it took him forever to fall asleep though. After maybe an hour of a fitful sleep, the nightmares kicked in and terrorized him in his sleep. This night was different though, instead of his mom on fire along with Sam on the really bad nights, it was a man with dark hair and bright blue eyes, but in the dream Dean couldn't place a face. Of course, when he woke up he figured out who his subconscious had decided to drag into his horror show of a dream. When he realized that he had dreamed about Castiel, Dean went a dark shade of red and was just happy to be in his room without anyone to see his embarrassment. He only met the guy once, it's a little creepy that he's already dreaming about him. _At least it wasn't a sexy dream,_ Dean thinks to himself. 

He pulls himself out of bed and slips into the hallway quietly and into the bathroom, where he washes his face and brushes his teeth before combing his hair. Then, tiptoeing, he goes to Sam's room and opens the door. He walks in and find Sam passed out with drool running down his chin unattractively. "Sammy, time to get up!" He says in a whispered scream, making Sam flop on his bed when he jumps awake. "We need to leave in thirty," Dean reminds him before walking back to his room to get dressed.

Dean opens his closet up and pulls out his typical jeans and a plain t-shirt since it's going to be hot as hell today. That doesn't stop him from shrugging on his leather jacket after slipping on the little amulet that Sam gave him for Christmas five years ago. He typically doesn't take it off, but he didn't want to wear it to the garage the day before and was too tired to put it back on last night. He slides his boots on and goes out to the kitchen where he grabs a bowl of cereal and waits for Sam, who comes out of his room with ten minutes to spare. The sound of their dad snoring from the couch in the living room is enough to keep their conversation at a minimum for the time being. 

Once they leave the house and get into Dean's beloved Baby, the conversation starts up. "So, are you gonna try to find Castiel at school today?" Sam asks when they pull out of their driveway. It's about a five minute drive to the high school and luckily Dean doesn't have to drop Sam off at the middle school twenty minutes away. 

"Yea, I told him I would introduce him to Charlie. He's a cool guy," Dean adds without a reason to. Sam gives him a side glance, pointing out Dean's strange behavior wordlessly. Dean flushes slightly, but doesn't say anything else about it for a minute. "I think he and Charlie will get along well," He says nonchalantly. 

"Despite his not speaking?" Sam asks. Dean bristles for a moment, suddenly defensive of his new friend, but he relaxes once he reminds himself that this is Sam and he didn't mean it offensively. Sam seems to notice and adds, "I mean, Charlie talks a lot and Castiel doesn't talk at all." 

"Kind of my point. Charlie typically talks so much that you don't get a word in edgewise, so Cas won't feel awkward or interrupted by silence," Dean chuckles at the thought of Charlie going on one of her rants and just talking for thirty minutes without stopping. Dean can picture how Castiel would just sit there silently responding to questions with a nod of the head or a furrow of his eyebrows. He knows that Castiel does converse using a notepad, but odds are he wouldn't need it with Charlie anyways; she has always been good at reading people. 

"Yea, they will probably get along well together," Sam concedes. Dean nods as they pull into the school parking lot and a parking place relatively close to the doors. "Hey, isn't that him? The one that is walking with the guy in the black?" Sam points toward two people walking around the edge of the school. Dean squints and curses quietly when he realized that Castiel is 'talking' to Azazel, a complete and utter douche bag who is probably up to no good, as always. He has tried to pick fights with Dean multiple times, but Dean has beat him every time except once, when Azazel brought friends. 

"Have a good day, Sam!" Dean shouts as he grabs his extremely light book bag and sprints towards the two who have disappeared. He can feel everyone's eyes on him as he pushes past them, but he doesn't care right now. "Cas?" He says loudly as he slows to a jog so he can check behind the trees surrounding the school. "Castiel?" He continues walking quickly all around the side of the school and is relieved when he reaches the corner and hears a voice from the back of the school. "Cas?" He says again as he rounds the corner and sees Azazel and his asshole of a friend, Alastair, holding Cas up against the wall.

"Come on, don't be shy! He asked you a question, Castiel!" Alastair shouts in Cas's face, which is wet with tears. "Answer him!" He yells, causing Castiel to flinch and hit his head on the brick wall. 

"Hey! Fuck off you assholes!" Dean shouts angrily, breaking into a sprint towards the three. Azazel releases Castiel, but leans in and says something in Cas's ear that makes him whimper as if he's a dog that's been kicked. Dean reaches them just as the heartbreaking noise leaves Castiel's person and Dean snaps. He grabs the back of Azazel's shirt and throws him on the ground where he gets on top of him and leans down so they're eye to eye.

"Don't you fucking touch him again. Do you hear me?" Dean growls low and threatening. Azazel nods as if Dean were asking him if he liked ice cream, but Dean lets him up anyways and watches them leave before he turns to Cas, who is wiping his tears off of his face.  "Are you okay?" he asks, kneeling down to meet Cas's eye where he had slide down the wall. Castiel nods and begins to stand up, which Dean follows. "What did they want?" Cas shrugs at the same time he sniffles.

Dean looks him up and down to check for bruises just as Cas steps forward and gently touches Dean's cheek where his bruise is and furrows his eyebrows. Dean tenses under the sudden touch and the close proximity of him. He really doesn't like when people are in his space, but he feels different around Castiel for some reason. "Alligator fight. It's okay, I took care of it," He lies with a smirk. Cas shakes his head slightly and just takes his hand off of Dean's face before beginning to walk back around the school with Dean following him. 

When they get back to the front of the school, Dean spots Charlie standing in with a random person that Dean doesn't know. Cas seems to because his eyes brighten when he sees her, which Dean tries not to feel jealous about. She _is_ pretty, Dean has to admit. She has Castiel's coloring; brown hair, pale skin, and blue eyes. Her eyes are no match for Cas's though. They walk over to the two and the girl says hi to Castiel. Cas smiles and begins signing quickly to the girl, who looks at Dean and Charlie with a smile. Dean stands next to Charlie, feeling extremely awkward because Cas and the girl are just having a conversation in sign language without saying anything to him. 

"Hi, I'm Hannah. Castiel said that you met him at the bookstore? He seemed pretty excited about it, he told me about it that day," Hannah says. Cas hits her arm and shakes his head before glaring at her, a slight blush rising on his cheeks. "What? You were. "

"It's nice to meet ya Hannah. Yea, I met Cas at the bookstore and then the same day he came in to the auto repair shop I work at," Dean says. "Oh, Cas, this is Charlie," He says. Cas waves to Charlie, who begins talking his ear off. Hannah waves goodbye to them before heading into the school, leaving the three in the front of the school. Charlie suggests that they head in before promptly beginning to fill the silence with talk about her classes and asking Cas yes and no questions so he can answer easily. Dean smiles to himself as the three split up to go to their own classes. 

***

Dean doesn't get a chance to see Castiel again until lunch time, where he finds him sitting at a table by himself and picking at a sandwich. Dean frowns slightly and takes his small packed lunch to the table Cas is sitting at. "Hey Cas. Can I sit with you?" Dean asks, slightly afraid Cas will say no. _Why wouldn't he? I'm just a piece of trash anyways._ To Dean's relief, Castiel nods enthusiastically and his eyes seem to light up slightly. Dean puts his lunch on the table across from Cas and takes a seat. "So have you like you first day so far?" Dean asks. Cas nods hesitantly before holding up a finger and pulling out a piece of paper and a pencil and scribbling something down. He slides it across the table to Dean.

  **Yes, but I don't have any classes with friends yet. What do you have the rest of the day? Maybe we share a class.** Dean smiles and pulls out his schedule.

"Let's see, I have Science next, then English, and lastly a free period." Cas looks at him excitedly and begins writing on the paper again.  

 **We have Science and a free period together!** Dean smiles when he reads this and looks up at Cas with the same excitement in his eyes.

"Awesome! You wanna meet up for the free period in the library? We can just chill there if you wanna," Dean offers just as Charlie walks up to them with Jo on her heels. 

"Hey Dean, Cas. Jo, this is Castiel, the guy I was telling you about earlier. Cas, this is Dean and I's friend Jo. She's really nice," Charlie says, taking a seat next to Cas. Jo walks around the table and sits the to Dean so everyone can talk easily. Cas waves and Charlie dives into a conversation with Jo about one of the classes they just had together and Dean zones out, accidentally staring at Cas's face.

_He is really cute. How has nobody picked him up yet? I mean, yea he's mute, but he's still really cool. If someone's shallow enough to let that turn them off from him, they don't deserve him anyways._

Dean comes back to reality when Cas's blue eyes meet his green with a curiosity in them. 

_Stop it Winchester, you're gonna freak him out._

Dean looks down and can feel a blush creep onto his cheeks. He pulls out his half sandwich that he packed using the last piece of bread after he'd made Sam's sandwich. He bites in to it, his head and eyes still pointed to the table. 

"Dean, you okay?" Jo asks once her and Charlie have finished their long winded conversation about their new teacher with a lisp and a toupee. Dean looks up and nods, a slight smile battling with a blush that's still on his cheeks. 

_God, you're so pathetic you can't even eat lunch without acting weird._

"So, Castiel, I heard that you know sign language?" Jo asks, thankfully pulling the attention from Dean. Cas nods with an embarrassed smile, but when Jo begins signing to him, his eyes light up like a child's on Christmas morning. He responds to Jo with an enthusiasm that Dean hadn't seen from him yet. 

_Maybe I should learn sign._

Cas and Jo continue to sign for a few minutes while Charlie pulls Dean into a conversation about a new online game that she has become addicted to. 

The lunch bell rings and the group gets up to head to class. "Wanna walk with me to Science?" Dean asks Castiel as they throw their lunches in the trash can next to the door. Cas nods, so the two set off down the crowded hallway. They have almost made it to the classroom when someone shouts Castiel's name, causing both of them to turn around. "Dammit, didn't I already take care of this?" Dean says when he spots Alastair headed towards them with a sickening grin on his face. Dean is standing close enough to Cas that he can feel the tremor that runs through his body.

"It's okay Cas, he won't do anything to you. Not if I can help it," Dean says, unsure of where his over-protectiveness of his new friend came from. He sees Cas nod in his peripheral vision just as Alastair reaches them. "Didn't I tell you to fuck off?" Dean growls, low enough so the teachers monitoring the halls can't hear him.

"Calm down, Winchester. I'm not gonna hurt your new boy toy," Alastair sneers, which Dean begins to fight against. "Azazel and I only want to be friends with the guy," He says. Dean bristles and tells him once again to fuck off. "Now Dean, don't be rude. What do you think, Castiel? Wanna be me and Azazel's friend?"  Alastair sneers, causing another slight tremor to run through Cas's body. Castiel doesn't answer, just looks down at the floor. "C'mon now, didn't we talk this morning about not answering someone when they are talking to you? Answer me, Castiel," Alastair says. Cas whimpers quietly, which confuses the hell out of Dean, but he bristles despite that. 

"That's enough. It's time for you to leave," Dean growls. Alastair raises his hands in a none threatening way and backs off with another creepy grin towards Cas. Dean continues giving him the death glare until he turns the corner. "Hey, you okay?" Dean asks, turning to Cas. He looks up from the floor and nods. Dean doesn't believe him, the look on his face betrays him, but he allows the subject to drop as Cas turns to walk into the classroom. He follows him in hesitantly, still trying to figure out why Castiel is so afraid of Alastair and Azazel. 

***

Dean gets to the library before Castiel does, not by chance though. He decided in his last period that he needed to check out a few books, which he did quickly before Cas arrived. He wants to surprise Cas with what he learns from the books. He shoves them in his bag just as he sees Castiel walk through the doors. "Hey Cas, how was your last period?" Dean asks, trying to play off his panic that the other boy probably witnessed when he entered the room. Cas pulls out his notepad to scribble something down. 

**It was boring. Do you mind if we sit down?**

"Sure, we can sit," Dean leads him over to one of the tables in the corner of the room that people use to study. The two talk the whole period about random things, such as music, cars, and eventually books, using paper so Castiel can respond in length. Castiel also tells Dean a little bit about his family, mentioning that he has two other siblings besides Gabriel. He seems reluctant to talk about his family though, so Dean doesn't bring it up. 

"I only have Sam, but he's plenty. He's so damn smart though, I can't even try to be as smart as him. He's a little nerd, but I am so fucking proud of him," Dean says, admiration seeping through his voice. He doesn't mention his dad and especially not his mom. Cas doesn't need to know about his crazy family situation. 

 _I'm sure he'll hear about my drunk of a dad eventually anyways. This fucking town spreads gossip like a wildfire._ Cas smiles fondly like he knows exactly what Dean's talking about. He scribbles something down on the piece of paper. 

**That's how my older brother Micheal is. He's definitely going somewhere with his brain.**

When the bell rings, the two have discussed nearly everything their hearts desire and more. What they plan on doing after school-- Dean learns that Cas wants to either write novels or be a photographer, if they could go anywhere in the world where would it be-- they both agreed on wanting to go to London sometime, and they have a deep conversation about colors that turns into their life philosophies. The two disperse after saying a hesitant goodbye and Dean is heading out the front doors when he spots a brunette girl walking down the sidewalk. 

"Hannah!" He shouts, getting her attention as he does a slow jog in here direction. She turns around and walks slowly towards him.

"Dean?" She greets him, sounding suspicious of him. He doesn't have necessarily the best reputation in the school, but it's not his fault. He has gotten in a few fights and okay, yes he smokes and drinks. He didn't always hang out with the best crowd either, he used to chill with Azazel and Alastair at one point. After they had begun to bully people and he suspected maybe something more, he stopped. Of course, that means that they've started picking fights with him, but he can take them. The fights always end with them pissed that he can beat both of them by himself. 

"I need your help." He says, earning a weird look from Hannah. She smiles at him after he explains what he needs and agrees enthusiastically to help him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mention during the scene where Azazel and Alastair are bullying Castiel that he whimpers. Some of you may think that since he's selectively mute, that means he doesn't make any sounds, but I did some research to see what I could and couldn't do to make this as realistic as possible and mute people can make sounds :) Just to clarify that if you were possibly confused. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Follow me on tumblr- XX_InfinityWriter_XX for fanfic reviews/ recs and just random Supernatural/ Destiel things.


	3. Writing Songs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Cas's POV, even though the story is in third person. Hopefully that makes sense. Also, super sorry for such a delayed update! I couldn't get inspired to write this one and didn't wanna write it just to publish it because it wouldn't have turned out the way I wanted. :)

~Castiel's POV~

Castiel wakes on Saturday in a panic. He checks his alarm and groans when he realizes that it didn't go off and he's up thirty minutes later than he's supposed to be. He gets dressed in record time. Gabriel will kill him if he is late for work for the third time. The first two were because he got the time he was supposed to be in mixed up. He runs out to the kitchen and checks the time. He still has ten minutes to get his ass in to the bookstore, which means he'll have to drive quicker than usual. He runs out the door with keys in hand and to his car. He pulls the door open and slides in, fumbling to get the keys in the ignition. He turns the key and nothing happens. He does it again and all a terrible noise erupts from the engine.  _Oh no._ He pulls out his phone, remembering that Dean had given him his number earlier in the week at school during one of their free periods together. 

 **C: Dean, I need your help. My car won't start and I have to get to work. Can you maybe send out a tow truck later to pick it up?**  Cas only has to wait for a second before Dean replies.

 **D: Yea, but how will you get to work?** Castiel sits for a second, unsure of the answer himself. 

 **C: I'll call a cab or something, I guess. I could text Gabe but he'd never let me live this down. He has wanted me to get rid of my car forever and this would just be more ammunition.** Cas sends and awaits an answer that takes longer to arrive than the first one. 

 **D: No, I'll come get you.** Cas smiles at the offer, but tells Dean that he doesn't want to put him out, which of course Dean says is crazy before asking for his address. Cas sends it reluctantly and is told it will only take Dean five minutes to get to his house. He suspects that Dean will be speeding to get to him so quickly, but he doesn't say anything besides telling Dean to be careful. True to his word, Dean arrives quickly in his beautiful black Chevy Impala.

Dean rolls down the window and motions for Castiel to get in. "Hop in Cas, I'll take you to work and a tow truck will be here later to get your car," He says. Cas hurries over and slides in the car. "Bookstore, right?" Dean asks. Castiel nods as Dean pulls out of his driveway. Dean talks to Cas and deliberately keeps his questions to yes or no since he won't be able to read notes while he's driving. When they get to the bookstore Castiel hands Dean a piece of paper.

  **Thank you, Dean.**

"No thanks needed Cas, this is what friends are for," He replies with a smile. "I'll see ya later."

Cas nods and hops out of the car, ready to face Gabriel's lecture. Dean grabs Cas's hand, making him turn around. "If you need a ride to get to the garage, don't hesitate to text me," Dean says, suddenly blushing as he realizes he hasn't let go of Cas's hand. He takes his hand off and looks down, embarrassed. Castiel smiles and leans forward to place a light kiss on Dean's cheek to show his thanks in one of the only ways he can think of. It happens so quickly that Dean thinks he imagined it. Cas hops out of the car and runs into the bookstore, leaving Dean to sit breathlessly. 

*** 

"How many times have I told you to get rid of that damn car? How in hell did you get here then?" Gabriel asks when Castiel tells him that he's late because his car broke down. Cas blushes and looks down. "Cas?" Castiel grabs a piece of paper, his frustration that his brother doesn't know sign language bubbling through. He wishes that he didn't have to right down his words down at all, he wishes that he could get over his problems and just be able to _speak._ He remembers what it's like to talk, to respond quickly. He hands Gabe the note. 

**You've told me to get rid of it a thousand times and I refuse to. Dean gave me a ride here.**

"Dean, huh?" Gabe says knowingly. "Ya know, there are rumors about that boy." 

 **Shut up, Gabriel.**  

Castiel turns his back and walks to the back room where he grabs the new shipment of books that need to be shelved. He also clips his name tag onto his shirt. He hates having to wear one, but Gabriel insists that it makes the store look more professional. Every person who reads it asks how to pronounce his name, which of course he can't- no, won't- do. He very well could tell them how to say his name if he could get over his issue. What he wouldn't give to just be able to talk to Dean, tell him how much he is beginning to like him.

He knows he can talk,he's done it before, but now he just can't make the words come out. He walks grumpily out to the shelves and stacks the books, content in the silence that Gabriel has allowed to fall over the store. Sometimes Gabe will turn on music or just flat out talk to Cas while they work. He knows that Castiel won't answer him back, at least not here. Castiel has managed to get out one word in the past year and it was just a simple 'no' when Gabe asked him if he thought he could actually make someone slip on a banana peel. The only reason he was able to speak was because they were in his house and he had been a little drunk that night.

The rest of the work day goes on miserably. He accidentally knocks over a whole display of books, spills water on himself and a bunch of bookmarks, and he was too zoned out thinking about the color green to notice that a customer was asking him a question. Gabriel doesn't miss the chance to tease him for being so distracted the whole day. By the end of the day, he's in a horrid mood and just wants to go home to watch some tv and maybe nap. He's in the back room when he hears a familiar voice in the front of the store. He quickly grabs his jacket and walks out to find Dean talking to Gabe, who is standing behind the counter. Dean looks over and when they meet eyes, his face seems to light up slightly. 

"Heya Cas, I thought maybe you'd need a ride? If you don't, that's okay. Your car is gonna have to stay in the shop until tomorrow, I couldn't get it done today, sorry," Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck, seemingly nervous. Cas waves off his apology and grabs a notebook. He notices how Gabe is just watching the whole interaction with a slight smirk on his face. Cas hands Dean the notebook after quickly scribbling that he would love a ride on it. "Awesome! Are you ready now? I can wait if you're not." 

"His shift just finished, so he can leave now," Gabe cuts in before Castiel gets a chance to answer. Castiel looks down at his feet and then up at Dean. He can't help but be blown away, again, at how attractive Dean is. He thought it the moment he saw him standing in the store, book in hand. Dean smiles and looks up at Cas, who nods. "See you tonight, Cas. Later, Dean-o," Gabe says as Dean walks out the door, holding it open for Castiel, who blushes as he walks through. He allows Dean to lead him to the Impala and slides in the familiar car. He breathes in the scent of leather and something that has to be simply  _Dean._  

"So, your house? Or do you have anything you need to do before you go home?" Dean asks. Cas rights down  **home** on the paper before passing it to Dean, who nods and starts the ignition.

"Want to listen to some music?" Dean asks. Castiel nods and Dean turns on his radio, which is playing Led Zeppelin. Dean bobs his head to the beat subconsciously, which Castiel finds a little adorable. Dean begins asking questions about Cas's day, keeping them yes or no again so Cas can easily answer. He appreciates how Dean is considerate of Cas's lack of speaking and makes sure to keep the answers simple while moving the conversation along. It's not as easy as signing to Hannah or the few signs Gabriel knows, but it does help Cas learn more about Dean, who answers the questions he asks as well. 

When they get to Cas's house, he grabs the notebook and scribbles something down and hands it to Dean.  **Would you like to come in and watch some tv?** Cas looks at his hands nervously. It was a spur of the moment decision, but he doesn't want to stop being with Dean, even if it's just them watching tv and not talking. Dean seems to understand Cas in ways that most people don't.

"Yea, I'd love to," Dean answers, allowing Cas to breath a sigh of relief. He wasn't sure Dean would want to come in just to watch some crappy tv shows. Castiel doesn't have people over often, mostly because he's busy and doesn't have many friends to start with. Dean slides out of the car and follows Castiel up to the door, which he promptly unlocks. 

"Castiel is that you?" They hear someone say from the kitchen and footsteps coming towards them. "Oh hello," Cas's mom, Anna, says when she spots the two in the entry way. "Hi, I'm Castiel's mom," She says with a soft smile and sticks her hand out for Dean to shake, which he does with a smile gracing his lips as well. 

"Dean Winchester. I'm one of Cas's friends from school," Dean replies happily. "You're son is very nice, Mrs. Novak."

"Please, call me Anna. You'll have to excuse my surprise, it's just that Castiel doesn't have friends over often," She says. Cas goes red in the face and looks down at his feet, embarrassment filling his head. Dean waves her off and touches Cas's back to comfort him in a way that Anna can't see, making him blush even more. "Are you going to stay for dinner, Dean?" Anna asks. Castiel looks up to meet his eyes in question as well. 

"Sure, I just have to be home by nine so my little brother doesn't worry," Dean says with a smile that Cas matches. Anna nods and heads back off into the kitchen, leaving the boys in the entry room alone. Cas looks at Dean and leads him into the living room, where he flips on the television after sitting on the couch. Dean sits on the other cushion, still close enough to talk but not enough that they are touching. They flip through the channels together, until Dean stops him on a rerun episode of  _Dr. Sexy M.D._ "Can we watch this?" He asks. Castiel nods enthusiastically and smiles, happy to know that Dean enjoys this show too. Not many people he knows do, so he typically watches it by himself. Gabriel always makes fun of him for watching it, but he can't help that he finds it interesting. He'll admit that the story lines are very cheesy and predictable, but it's still a good show. Dean asks him questions about the show, which Cas uses the notebook to answer in detail. Now that they aren't in the car, conversation is easier to carry on in length with more than yes or no questions. Cas even is able to ask Dean some questions and they end up talking through two whole episodes of the show, both of them paying minimal attention to the television. As they talk, they slowly get closer on the couch until their knees and elbows touch when they turn to face the other person. Castiel keeps looking over at Dean, unable to focus on the show.  _He is really attractive,_ Castiel thinks to himself.

"Can I ask you a question?" Dean asks at the end of the second episode, suddenly becoming shy. Castiel nods, slightly nervous about the question. "Are you and Hannah dating or something? It's just that the way she looks at you and talks about you, I get the feeling something is going on," He asks, looking down at his hands before reluctantly meeting Castiel's eyes, which are filled with confusion and a touch of humor. He grabs the notebook and writes quicker than Dean has seem him write before. 

 **No, Hannah and I are not together. My interests lie elsewhere, but she used to like me.** Dean looks slightly pleased with the answer.

"Why aren't you interested? Is there another girl you have your eyes set on?" Dean asks, sounding maybe a little jealous and hopeful, confusing Castiel. He writes down the answer quickly again.

 **No, there is no girl that I like.** Dean sits for a second and seems to be debating asking his next question because his mouth keeps opening and then closing. "But there is someone? Do you like guys?" He asks. Castiel looks down at his hands, ashamed.

"Hey, I'm the last person you have to be ashamed about this with. I will openly admit that I like both." Cas looks up sharply, shock and surprise in his eyes. He didn't know that, despite hanging around Dean and his other friends for the past two weeks. He slowly grabs the notebook to write something down hesitantly.

**Yes, I like guys. You don't have a problem with that?**

"Of course not. I don't mind Cas, as long as you don't mind that I do too," Dean says. "Actually I rea-"

"Dean! Castiel! Dinner's ready," Anna yells from the kitchen, interrupting Dean. Cas looks at him curiously, telling him to continue. Dean shakes his head and rubs the back of his neck, which Cas has begun to recognize as a nervous habit, before standing up without looking at Cas. He stands up too and follows Dean to the kitchen where he takes a seat at his normal place at the table. Only then does he allow himself to look up at Dean, who looks unsure of where to sit and has a slight blush to his cheeks. He pats the seat next to him where Gabriel usually sits and Dean breathes a sigh of relief before sitting down next to him. "Do you mind if we pray, Dean?" Anna asks. Castiel knows the only reason she is able to ask is because his father isn't home tonight. If he was, there wouldn't be an option. Dean shakes his head hesitantly, so Anna grabs Cas's hand and bows her head. Cas looks at Dean and offers his hand, unsure of whether or not Dean will take it, which he does before bowing his head as well. Cas does the same and tries not to think about the contrast of Dean's hand against his and how they're holding hands in the first place.

"Lord, thank you for the food you have provided for us. May we use it's energy to live the way you intended. Amen," Anna says, looking up and then releasing Castiel's hand. Dean says amen a second after her before lifting his head, but he seems reluctant to release Cas's hand, giving it a slight squeeze before he does. The action just makes Cas wanna know what Dean was going to say before they were interrupted even more, but he won't press. Dean seemed to be almost opening up and he doesn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. 

Anna passes around the salad she made first, handing it to Dean. He takes enough to be polite, which Cas finds endearing considering how he knows Dean hates salad. Well, Dean actually hates anything healthy. He hands it to Cas, their fingers touching and sending a spark through both of them. Neither say anything about it and Anna begins a conversation with Dean, ending the silence that had fallen. The rest of the food goes around and Dean and Anna keep a conversation, sometimes asking Castiel something to keep him included. The rest of dinner continues the same way with a steady conversation held by them.

Cas continues wondering about what Dean could have been about to say. He knows what he hopes it had been; that he likes Castiel the same way Cas likes Dean. He tries not to get his hopes up though. It's not like he could actually be in a relationship with Dean, he's too messed up for that. He doesn't want to drag Dean in to his fucked up life, he can't even talk because of what happened. He knows Dean's not like the other's were. He'd never do what they did. That doesn't stop Castiel from being suspicious and careful of getting close to Dean, or anyone for that matter. 

"Well, I should probably be getting home," Dean says, pulling Castiel out of his thoughts. "Thank you for dinner, Anna. It was amazing," He smiles softly, earning a pleased grin from Anna, who tells him to come back anytime. Cas stands at the same time as Dean and leads him to the door. They step out in to the cool fall air and Castiel breathes in the smell of leaves deeply before sighing. "Thanks for having me, Cas," He says. Castiel nods and looks at his feet for a second before meeting Dean's eyes. Dean licks his lips subconsciously, causing Cas's eyes to dart to them. Dean takes a step forward and places a light hand on Cas's wrist, their eyes still met. "Cas," Dean murmurs softly, sounding more like a question. Cas nods slightly as he raises his chin and leans towards Dean.  _Oh God, this is about to happen._

"Dean-o!" The two jump back, frightened by the sudden exclamation from Gabriel, who is getting out of his car. "What are you doing here?" He asks, not acknowledging whether or not he saw what was about to happen when he drove up. Dean looks over at Cas, his eyes wide and a blush creeping on his face, only noticeable because of the headlights from Gabe's car shining on them. 

"Cas invited me in and then your mom asked me to stay for dinner," Dean explains, his voice holding a nervous edge. "I was just leaving though," He says. He looks back at Castiel, who has a blush to his cheeks too. "Bye Cas," He says softly, earning a small wave and shy smile from Castiel before he turns and walks down the walk way and to the Impala parked in the driveway. Gabe walks up and stands next to Cas as they watch Dean expertly pull out of their driveway. He then turns to Cas and swats his arm. 

"What the hell was happening when I pulled up?" Gabriel shouts sounding more accusing than angry. "You didn't actually kiss him? I'm disappointed in you," He continues, earning a shrug from Cas before he huffs a breath and walks inside, slamming the door behind him and leaving Cas on their front step, staring at the street Dean disappeared down. He breathes a happy sigh before following Gabriel in and leans against the door in a happy daze.  _Dean almost kissed me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr (xx_InfinityWriter_xx) for my writers rants/ updates, random supernatural/ destiel posts, and fanfic reviews and recommendations!


	4. Split the Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been working on the plot for the story and where I plan on taking it and man, do you guys have it coming. I suspect the story will be pretty long if I decide to use all of the ideas I have, which I probably will. Enjoy the chapter! :)

Castiel thought that picking his car up from the garage Dean works at the next day would be awkward. He debated over and over about just asking Gabriel to go get it for him so he wouldn't have to bare seeing Dean and the regret in his eyes, but Gabe had plans today. Surely it regret would be there, there's no way that he could feel the same way that Cas does. He wishes that they actually had kissed, that Gabe hadn't interrupted them. He's positive that Dean doesn't feel that way. He was just caught up in the moment and after dinner and the great conversations they had, that was probably it. 

 _But what if- no, don't get your hopes up. Dean's too good to be true._ When he enters the car garage, it's seemingly empty except for the sound of tools at work. He obviously can't say anything to try and get someone's attention, so he stands at the front counter and waits. Not the best strategy, considering it takes ten minutes for someone to walk out into the front room.

"Oh, hi! I'm sorry, I didn't hear ya out here. You should've shouted for one of us," A pretty blonde lady says when she walks to the counter. Cas shrugs and waves her off, hoping that she doesn't ask any questions that need a verbal answer. "So, you're here to pick up your car?" She asks. He nods and earns a smile from her. "Can I have your name?" She asks. He freezes and probably looks like a deer in headlights. She looks at him expectantly, his silence obviously becoming awkward. He looks down, ashamed and begins to pull out a piece of paper. 

"Hey Claire, who ya talking- oh, hi Cas!" Dean saves the day when he walks through the door that Castiel assumes leads to the workshop. His eyes visibly light up when they fall on Castiel and that makes a warmth start to bloom in Cas's chest. 

"He your friend, Dean?" The girl, Claire, asks. Dean nods with a smile as he looks back to Cas, his green eyes making Cas's breath hitch slightly. "He doesn't talk much," She says softly, obviously it's more of a question than a statement. Castiel looks down at his feet in embarrassment, a blush threatening to creep up on his cheeks. These are the moments where he hates himself for not being able to speak. He wishes he could just tell Claire his name, the make of the car, everything she needed to know but he just _can't._  

"Well, he's mute so I'd assume not," Dean says, walking around to stand next to Cas close enough that their hands are brushing. Claire obviously notices, her glance at their hands gives her away. She doesn't say anything, to Castiel's relief. Cas leans in to Dean's present slightly, using it to ground him. He wouldn't say he has social anxiety, per se, but he gets nervous in situations where his muteness causes issue. Dean somehow must notice that, being as observant as he is, and grabs Cas's hand. "It's okay, I'll take him to his car. Just check out Castiel Novak's car for me," He says. She nods and waves at Cas as Dean uses his hand to pull him through the door Dean came through.

"Sorry about that," Dean says when they get in the workshop, promptly dropping Cas's hand. Castiel can't say he's not missing the feeling of Dean's hand in his. "Well, you were out of transmission fluid and your oil was extremely low. That's why she wouldn't start," Dean explains when they reach the car. Cas nods and looks up at Dean, gratitude evident on his face. "It was no problem. And, uh, don't worry about the cost," He says. Cas places a hand on Dean's shoulder and looks him in the eye before shaking his head. "Seriously. After figuring out what was wrong, which was why you couldn't get her back yesterday, it only took ten minutes to fix." 

Cas smiles and drops his hand, looking down at the ground again. "Cas?" Dean says quietly, dipping his head down to catch Castiel's eyes again. "Would you wanna, uh, I don't know, maybe hang out on Friday?" He asks, the last part coming out quickly and mumbled.  _What? Did he-_ "If you don't, it's okay, but I thought maybe you would," Dean mutters. 

 _Oh my God, he is!_ Castiel thinks to himself, his thoughts becoming quickly excited. He touches Dean's arm again and nods quickly, earning a bright smile from Dean.

"Great! I'll pick you up at eight?" Another nod from Cas. "See ya then," Dean says, softly as he takes a step forward and leans down slightly. 

"Dean, you have a phone call!" Claire shouts from the front room, interrupting their second possible first kiss. 

"Dammit," Dean mutters under his breath, barely loud enough for Castiel to hear. "Guess I'll see you later then," He says, taking a step back. He waves to Cas and gets one back in return. He winks at Cas, a sudden burst of confidence, sending a bolt of lightening down the blue eyes man's spin before he turns and walks to the front room. Cas stands, keys in hand, in complete shock about what just happened. 

 _He asked me on a date. Dean Winchester asked_ me _on a date._

***

On Friday, Castiel is a nervous wreck. He's been getting more anxious as the week has passed. It's not that Dean makes him nervous, it's actually the opposite. His presence is a comfort when Cas is in a situation that makes him uneasy. Dean has taken to answering questions that teachers have asked Castiel and overall just talks for him when he can't answer easily. And it's not like Dean has been treating him differently, though he has been sitting closer, leaning in to whisper things to Cas like inside jokes, and he has been keeping eye contact and looking at Cas longer than necessary. No, Cas is not nervous because he's going on a date with Dean. He's nervous that he's going on a date at all. 

Going on your first date ever is supposed to be scary, right? Not that Castiel has never been kissed, hell he's even gone farther, just not with someone he's been dating. He wishes that wasn't how it happened, but he wasn't really given a choice. He wishes that those things had been saved for someone he cared about and who cared about him too. Lord knows things would be different if that were the case.  _I wouldn't be so messed up if it was different. But Dean's not like that. Maybe I can get better, but what if? No, he's not like that,_ he tells himself over and over. He refuses to believe that Dean could be like the other guys. 

He's standing in front of his mirror with his fourth outfit that's he tried on today when he hears a soft knock on his door. He turns around and walks over to the door to open it, finding his mom on the other side. He lets her in and gives her a quizzical look. She doesn't say anything, just eyes the pile of clothes on his bed. "What ya doing?" She asks, sitting on a clean edge of the bed. He shrugs, earning an unbelieving look. He grabs a pad of paper and scribbles his answer before handing it to her. 

**I have plans.**

"You're going out?" She asks, surprise lacing her voice. He shrugs again, not wanting to make it a big deal. "Is it a date?" She sounds hopeful as she asks the question that he knew she would. He nods slightly, just a slight bob of his head. "With who?" She exclaims, sounding more like a best friend than his mother. He shrugs and turns back to the mirror to reevaluate the clothes. He looks at the dark jeans, dark blue button up and black converse and hopes that Dean is wearing something casual too. "Is it with Dean?" She presses softly. He jumps back and looks at her with wide eyes. He never came out to her or anyone in his family except Gabriel. "I'll take that as a yes."

He looks down, a blush creeping up on his cheeks. She stands up and places a hand on his cheek before looking up into her eyes. "It's okay, Castiel. Your father and brothers don't know. I just know you well enough to tell," His mom says, continuing to look in his eyes with only compassion and understanding. He feels a tear slip down his cheek without his permission, which she wipes away. "I'll always love you, no matter what," She says. He nods, having already known that. He knows his father wouldn't approve, but he always knew that his mom would be there for him despite who he is interested in. "And you look great, by the way. Dean's gonna love you," She assures him. They both start at the sound of the doorbell and she pulls Cas into a quick hug before heading out the door, telling him that she'll get it and let Dean in. He nods and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. 

He hears Dean's familiar voice from downstairs and glances at himself one time. He attempts to smooth down his hair for the twentieth time tonight, but it just continues to stick up in all directions. He straightens his shirts and grabs the small notepad and pencil to put in his back pocket before heading out of his bedroom door. He hears his mom's voice and strains his ears to listen. "You'd better treat him right, you hear?" She says to Dean. "I like you Dean, don't make me change my mind."

"I won't Anna. I promise," Cas hears Dean say, causing a grin to erupt on his face. He pulls himself together and walks down the short stairwell to find Dean and his mom standing in the entry way. He pauses for a second when he spots Dean and can't help but stare. Dean is dressed in light jeans, a red, white, and blue flannel and a black leather jacket. 

 _Holy shit, he's hot._ Cas flushes when Dean's eyes meet his and the other boy's lips part slightly. Cas looks down and walks down the rest of the steps and looks up again when he reaches Dean's side to find his eyes still on him.

"Hi," Dean says, his nerves evident in the shake in his voice. Cas smiles in greeting and the two continue to just look at each other until his mom clears her throat. "Right, uh, you ready Cas?" Dean asks, looking away to glance at Anna before looking back at Castiel. Cas nods and Dean slips his hand through Cas's. "I'll have him back by eleven," Dean assures Anna. 

"I don't doubt that. Have fun you two," Anna says. The two both nod before walking out the door, hand in hand. Cas allows Dean to lead them to the beautiful Impala. Dean stops at the passenger side door and opens it for Cas, making this little gesture for Cas to get in. He gives Cas a soft smile, sending electricity through Castiel's veins. He looks down and blushes before sliding in the car. Dean shuts the door gently and walks around the front of the car. 

 _Damn, that was- wow._  

Dean slides in the car next to Cas and starts up the ignition. "So, I bet you're wondering what we are doing," Dean says, nearly reading Castiel's mind. He glances over to catch Cas's nod before he continues. "Have you ever been mini- golfing?" He asks with a grin, looking over again. Cas shakes his head, making Dean smile. "Well you wanna try?" Cas nods excitedly, a grin threatening to split his face. He's always wanted to go, but his dad always said it was a waste of time and money. As most things are to him, besides schooling, jobs, and church. "Awesome!" Dean says. They then begin talking about random other things that Dean wants Cas to try with him sometime, including his mother's recipe of apple pie. He claims that it's to die for, so Cas accepts that he will be trying it sometime. 

When they reach the mini- golf course, Castiel is practically bouncing out of his seat in anticipation, all of his previous nerves gone. He gets out of the car quickly and stands next to Dean, close as possible it seems, while Dean picks out their clubs. They get to the ball choices and Cas picks a green one, realizing later he did it because it reminded him of Dean's eyes. He notices Dean picked blue, but he tries not to hope that it's for the same reason.

He follows Dean out to the course and the first hole. "Okay, so you've never done this, right?" Dean asks when they get there. Cas shakes his head, so Dean puts his ball and demonstrates to Cas how to hold the club and line his feet up. He gently hits the ball and it goes right in the first time. Cas smiles and claps slowly, making Dean blush. "Thank you, thank you," He says, doing a slight bow. "Okay, you're up," He says. 

Cas places his ball down where Dean had his and lines his feet up like Dean did. He looks down at the club and frowns. He can't remember how Dean had his hands, so he looks up questioningly. Dean smiles and tells him to put his right thumb over the left. "Here, let me help you," Dean says, walking over to Cas. He comes up behind him and wraps his arms around him to reach his hands. He's standing close enough that Cas can feel his breath on his neck and his chin brushing his shoulder. "Here, like this. And then you just--" He guides Cas's arms to hit the ball and they both watch it go in. "Hit it in," Dean finishes, his arms still around Cas, who looks over his shoulder to meet Dean's eyes. They stand there like that, just breathing each other in for a moment, before Dean clears his throat and steps back. "See? You got it," He says, his smile strained. They collect their balls silently and head to the next hole, where Dean gets another hole-in-one. Cas pulls out his notepad and writes something down quickly before handing it to Dean. 

**You're really good at this. How'd you learn to play?**

Dean smiles genuinely before answering, "My dad taught me and Sam hot to play actual golf when we were little; I was nine and Sam was five. I fell in love with it and practiced in our backyard with a makeshift course I built. Mini-golf just came easy to me after that." Cas nods thoughtfully before grabbing the notepad again. 

**That's how it was with me and guitar, except my older brother Micheal taught me instead of my dad. I kinda just fell in love with it.**

"You never told me you played guitar! I do too, but I'm not very good. I just know the basics. I learned from a girl that used to babysit me and Sammy when I was too young to be alone," Dean says. Cas's eyes light up, not knowing that Dean could also play. They talk for the next seven holes about guitar and songs that they know or want to learn to play. Dean continues to help Cas when he needs it, which is often. And Cas isn't complaining, he likes being so close to Dean, even though that fact terrifies him. 

By the last hole, Castiel has gotten much better thanks to Dean. Of course, Dean still wins, but Castiel doesn't mind. They start walking out of the golf course when Dean slips his fingers through Cas's. Neither says anything about it, they just hold on to the other like they're the only thing keeping them grounded. "Are you hungry, Cas?" Dean asks once they have both gotten in the Impala, Dean having opened the door for Cas again.  _God, he's awesome._ _But what if it's an act? No. Dean's not like that. He can't be._  Dean looks over at Cas expectantly, his eyes soft. Castiel nods, causing a grin to appear on Dean's face nearly immediately. "Great! Do you like burgers?" He asks, sounding hopeful. Cas nods enthusiastically, grabbing his notepad excitedly.

  **Yes, I love them. They're my favorite food!** Dean's grin gets bigger, if possible.

"God, you're perfect," He mutters under his breath, almost like he didn't mean to say that out loud. "Awesome. I know a good place then." 

***

Cas takes his first bite of the bacon cheeseburger with Dean's eyes on him expectantly. He closes his eyes as the amazing flavors explode in his mouth and shock both he and Dean when a near silent moan erupts from his throat. His eyes fly open and meet Dean's wide green eyes. Cas knows he hasn't made a single sound in a year, simply because he couldn't. He assumes Dean's surprise is because that's the first time he's ever heard Cas make any sound at all and the first one he does hear is a moan at that. They sit looking at each other in shock for a moment before Dean clears his throat to speak.

"I take it you like it then?" He says, a slight note of satisfaction and, if Castiel caught it correctly, maybe arousal?

  _No, that can't be it._ Cas nods before taking another bite, looking at Dean who still has yet to touch his own burger. Dean shakes his head, as if he's trying to shake a thought out of his mind, before picking up his own. 

They had talked, or had a conversation more like, the whole twenty minutes to the small diner outside of town. It had been an easy flow of topics, no strain or awkward silence at all. When they got to the diner, Castiel had a moment of panic about how he would order. He didn't want to embarrass Dean by having to write down or point to what he wanted. Almost if Dean had read his mind, he asked Cas if he would wanna try Dean's usual, which Cas had truthfully said he did. Dean then proceeded to order for the both of them, just another reason Cas added to the list of 'Why Dean Winchester is Amazing' that he had been making in his head. So far, everything Dean has done is on the list. Castiel might be a bit bias in his opinion of Dean. 

"Can I ask you a random question?" Dean asks when the pair have finished their dinners and are both slumping in their seats, holding on to their full stomachs contently. Cas nods, suddenly curious about why Dean's voice sounds slightly nervous. "You don't have to answer if you don't wanna, just tell me to shove it if it's too personal," He says. Cas tilts his head in confusion, but nods as a go ahead to for Dean to continue. "Well, earlier, you made a sound. Are you- uh, where you, um, born mute?" Dean struggles to say, the last part stringing together. Cas shakes his head and gives Dean a small smile, trying to tell him that it's okay for him to ask that.

He grabs the notepad that he had sat on the side when they had begun eating. It takes him a second to find a blank page, answers from previous conversations filling the first half of the tiny notebook. He takes a moment to write his answer before sliding it across to Dean.

 **I was not born mute. I'm what the docs' like to call 'selective mute', due to a traumatic experience when I was younger that I'd prefer not to get into right now. When I was younger, I was able to speak. They think maybe one day I could speak again.** Dean reads the note and sits staring at the piece of paper for a moment.

"Oh. I didn't know that," He says, barely audible to Castiel. Dean stretches his hand, almost subconsciously, to wrap around Cas's that is still resting on the table. "I'm sorry," He adds. Castiel shakes his head and pulls the notepad over again to write something quickly. 

 **Don't be. It's my messed up brain's fault anyways.** Dean shakes his head at that, but doesn't say anything.

"Can I be more nosy?" He asks, getting another nod from Cas. "How long has it been since you've spoken?" Cas writes his answer and hands Dean the paper again. 

 **I've said one word in the past three years.** Dean reads it and nods, absorbing the information. 

Dean continues to ask questions about Cas's past, but purposely strays from the topic of his muteness. Instead they talk about where they grew up and random things they did as kids. By the time they walk out of the diner, Dean has twenty minutes to get Cas to his doorstep before he's late. They hold hands the entire drive, their conjoined fingers resting on the leather seat between them. They sit in a comfortable silence, Led Zeppelin playing softly in the background of their thoughts. Cas doesn't want this night to end, it was perfect. When Dean pulls in the driveway and turns off the car, neither of them move for a minute as they just take in the feel of the other's hand in theirs. "Can I walk you up?" Dean asks. 

 _Always the perfect gentleman,_ Cas thinks fondly as he nods. He reluctantly lets go of Dean's hand as he climbs out of the car, grabbing it again as he walks next to the other boy on the short walkway to the door. 

"Thanks for coming tonight, Cas," Dean says softly, turning to meet Cas when they get to the front door. Cas nods in agreement, his eyes cast down at their feet. He feels Dean's free hand come up to rest below his chin and nudge his head up so they make eye contact. "Cas," Dean whispers as they both move towards each other until they're less than an inch apart and can feel each other's breath on their face. They both pause for a second before Cas lifts his head slightly to reach Dean's lips and closes the distance between them. Castiel isn't sure who sighs when their lips meet and he doesn't care. Dean's hand travels up to rest on Cas's neck and cup his jaw, allowing Dean to deepen the kiss slightly.

They pull apart at the same time and rest their foreheads together. "Bye, Cas," Dean whispers before placing one more lingering kiss on Cas's lips, sending sparks through both of them. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recently created a Spotify playlist for motivation while I write. I thought maybe you guys would want to know the song that really helped me write the chapter because typically each chapter I write was influenced (ish) by a song that I listened to. Obviously the whole book is inspired by The Sound of Silence (Disturbed cover, but the original is just as good). However, this chapter was loosely influenced by I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys. 
> 
> As always, hope you enjoyed the chapter! For updates about my writer's angst and other random things, follow me on Tumblr at xx_InfinityWriter_xx!
> 
> ALSO: The next update might be delayed for a while unfortunately! I have to send out my laptop to be fixed because some of the keys don't work unless I smash on them for ten minutes and it's been randomly shutting off so... Not to worry, I will be writing, just maybe not on Ao3 but I will transfer what I have on here and publish is as soon as I get the thing back.


	5. Disturb the Silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes some panic attack stuff, so please read with caution :) It's kind of a filler chapter even though something happens in it. 
> 
> Sorry that I've been MIA for a while, but now I have my laptop back and a ton of motivation for this story so expect updates!
> 
> Huge thanks to DarkHeartInTheSky for editing through this chapter and showing me all of the stupid little mistakes I made!

"Oh, hey Dean," Anna says when he knocks on the door to Cas's house. It's only been four days since his amazing date with Cas and so far the week has been amazing. Cas has been open to holding hands at school, which typically Dean doesn't like, but with Cas it's different. It's like if Dean's not touching him as often as possible he'll explode or something. When they're apart, Dean can't quite focus perfectly and he find himself fidgeting more than he used to. He thinks he's going crazy. It was only one date and who says Cas even wants to take it farther? 

_ I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. I'm just a piece of-  _

"Cas is upstairs," Anna pulls him out of his destructive thoughts and opens the door to invite him in. "His room is the second door on the left," she tells him before leaving him standing in the entry way.

"Thanks Anna," he calls after her. He walks slowly up the stairs in the entryway and walks down the surprisingly long hallway. He can tell which door is Cas's because it's slightly opened and he can hear soft music ringing down the hallway. He stops by the door for a moment and wonders what Cas is listening to-- whoever is singing is kind of amazing. Dean peeks through the door, just to see what Castiel is up to, and freezes in place.

He finds Cas sitting on his bed with a slightly beat up, yet still beautiful, acoustic guitar resting on his lap. He's playing, but that's not what stops Dean in his tracks. It's soft and barely audible, but Dean can see clearly that Cas is singing. His voice is deep and rough, but somehow soothing and Dean feels like he is absolutely in heaven. It's as if an angel were singing, as cheesy as that may be. Dean doesn't know how long he stands listening to Cas sing, but he shakes himself out of his trance when Cas begins singing a little louder. He seems at peace, something that Dean hasn't seen on his face ever. Castiel always seems nervous or tense, even when he's seemingly happy, the tension is there. In this moment though, he seems fully relaxed and Dean sits there in awe. It's almost as if Cas is glowing like the sun as he sings. Like he has no care in the world. 

Dean reluctantly raises his hand to the door and knocks, startling Cas enough that he jumps. His eyes go wide and he blushes as if he knows that Dean saw him singing. 

"That was beautiful," Dean whispers, not sure if he wanted Cas to hear it or not. Cas shakes his head and puts the guitar down like he's trying to get rid of the evidence. He looks at Dean with wide eyes still, but Dean just smiles back and shakes his head. "Don't be embarrassed, god Cas that was beautiful," Dean steps forward and wraps his arms around him. Castiel puts his head on Dean's shoulder and hugs Dean back, to Dean's surprise. "Would you sing for me again sometime?" Dean asks. Cas pulls back to look at Dean, a worried expression on his face. "If you don't want to-" Cas puts a gentle hand up to Dean's mouth to get him silent before he nods. 

Castiel puts his head back on Dean's shoulder after removing his hand and Dean can feel how both hands instantly grip to the back of his shirt, as if he is keeping Cas anchored. It's comforting, but also makes Dean extremely nervous about how much he feels the same way. It's not like they've known each other that long, but Dean already can't imagine life without Cas. Even if they're not together as a couple, he can't imagine not having Cas in his life at all. And that terrifies him. 

_ He'll leave eventually. Everyone will and he's no different. He'll realize he's better than me, I know he will.  _

Dean tightens his arm at the thought and pushes his nose into Cas's hair before closing his eyes, trying not to fall apart. It's been getting harder to keep himself together lately. He can feel the panic and anxiety coming through the cracks of the thin walls he tries to keep up so he won't drown in despair. Cas pulls back to look at Dean with curiosity at his sudden shift in mood that obviously wasn't as hidden as Dean thought it was. 

"I'm just really happy to see you," Dean says with a small smile. Castiel doesn't looks convinced, but lets it drop. 

"Wanna start the homework?" Dean changes the subject. Cas nods and pulls out of Dean's arms to walk to grab his books. Dean immediately misses his warmth, but follows his example and grabs his bag from where he set it in the hallway while he was watching Cas sing. 

***

"No, you're right," Dean concedes after a long argument over the best way to do the calculus problem they're on. Cas smiles at his small victory and they both begin working on the next question. "Is this what you got?" He turns his paper so Cas can see it from the other side of the small bed. Of course it's not, because Dean doesn't understand calculus for shit. He swears Castiel is some kind of genius because of how quickly he gets the answers and how they always seem to be correct. They were going to work on the homework at the table downstairs, but decided to sit on the bed instead because it's quieter in Castiel's little bedroom. So, they are sitting facing each other with their legs brushing every once in awhile. Every little touch sends a bolt of electricity up Dean's leg and through his body. He's been having a hard time concentrating with Cas so close, but he's been doing his best to not let that show. 

Castiel pushes the paper over to Dean after correcting his mistake. He then tears a corner off of his own to write something and hands it to Dean. 

**Are you hungry?**

"I could eat," Dean replies, trying to be nonchalant. If he's being honest, he's been hungry for a while, but Cas doesn't need to know that. He's been having fun doing homework with him, surprisingly. Dean's not sure how Cas does it, but he manages to make the most boring things entertaining. Cas smiles and haphazardly throws his things on his desk before leading Dean downstairs, following the smell of something cooking from in the kitchen. They are immediately spotted by Anna, who smiles warmly at the two of them and noticeably glances down at their conjoined hands. Dean blushes, but doesn't pull away. 

"Dinner's almost ready. I hope you're staying, Dean, I made way too much," Anna says, giving Dean a motherly glare that tells him he doesn't have a choice. He nods, earning a bright smile from Anna. 

Dinner is the same as the last time Dean ate with Cas and his mom. It's filled with random conversations that leave Dean and Cas both smiling when they're done. The food is amazing, as it was before. Dean's not used to having a home cooked meal like that. He usually makes dinner, but he can't make fancy things like Cas's mom can. When they're finished, Anna excuses herself upstairs even though it's only seven o'clock, probably to give Dean and Cas time by themselves. 

Dean looks over at Cas who is writing something on his notepad. Dean wishes he would talk to him now that he knows he can, but he understands that something happened that keeps Cas from speaking. Dean isn't ever going to push Castiel to talk to him. He knows better than to do that, but he can't help but wish that he could hear Cas's deep, rough voice again like he did when he was singing. Cas hands him the notepad, pulling him from his thoughts.

**Do you want to watch a movie?**

Dean smiles in relief, not ready to leave yet. He nods and lets Cas lead him to their living room. 

They decide on the first  _ Die Hard _ since Cas admits to never seeing it before, earning a gasp from Dean who asks what other 'classic' movies Castiel hasn't seen. Dean promises to make a list of movies that Castiel has to see. After they pop the movie in the DVD player, they sit on the couch close enough that their shoulders touch. Dean tries to pay attention to movie, despite having seen it multiple times before, but his eyes keep flitting over to Cas who is watching with wide eyes. The two keep moving closer together, if that's possible. At one point, while Bruce Willis is climbing up an elevator shaft, Cas is obviously anxious and tense. Dean doesn't even think twice about slinging an arm around Castiel's shoulders and pulling him against his side with a slight chuckle. Cas doesn't say anything about the sudden show of affection, just snuggles up against Dean and rest his head on his shoulder. 

Dean looks down and can't stop himself from leaning down and kissing the top of Cas's head. Cas looks up and Dean feels as if Cas can see his soul through those bright blue eyes. He cups Cas's jaw and closes the short distance between them to kiss him from the awkward angle. The kiss starts out with closed lips, but when Dean runs his tongue along Cas's bottom lip, it's like a race started. Cas parts his lips to allow Dean to lick into his mouth and deepen the kiss. Dean finds the angle to be too constricting, so he climbs on Cas's lap without breaking their kiss. He can feel Cas's pulse quicken and blames it on the adrenaline and arousal that Dean can feel coursing through his own veins. 

It's when Cas's hands on Dean's shoulders freeze along with his lips and overall his whole body, that Dean pulls away.

_ What did I do?  _

He looks down at Cas, whose eyes are wide and is gasping as if he can't breath. "Cas?" He asks, suddenly concerned. He can see that Cas is sweating and can feel him trembling beneath him. He knows what these are symptoms of from personal experience and that makes him even more worried. "Cas, buddy? Are you okay?" He asks, pulling off of Cas's lap to sit next to him instead. 

When Dean sees tears running down Cas's cheeks, his heart breaks.

_ Oh god, I kissed him and now he's crying. Did I do something? Maybe he's not into me like that and I read him wrong. _

Cas turns and buries his face in Dean's chest and his hands grip the front of his shirt. Or not. Dean wraps his arms around him and hugs him tight, trying to hold back tears of his own. He learned from someone a while ago that if you are really close to someone, your hearts can sync up. It usually works for him when he's having a panic attack. He hates seeing people in pain, but it hurts even more because it's Cas. Cas, who seems happy most of the time and who manages to make Dean smile when he's feeling terrible. 

"It's okay, it'll be okay," Dean murmurs into Cas's hair. He can feel his shirt getting wet, but he can't find it in him to care as Cas is sobbing hard enough to shake his body. They sit there like that until Dean feels Cas relax and he can no longer hear him crying. He pulls back enough to look at him and runs a thumb across his cheeks to wipe away a stray tear.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asks. 

Cas shakes his head insistently with his eyes wide again, so Dean lets the subject drop for now. But he can't help but think all night about what the hell could have happened to Cas that he would have freaked out while they kissed if it's not about Dean. He doesn't like the ideas that pop into his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this super short chapter. The next will be longer, I just needed to get this part in.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at xxinfinitywriterxx for updates and other random things. :)
> 
> Didn't really have a song for this chapter so I'll just tell you one of my favorites at the moment that I listen to while I write, which is Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood. Has nothing really to do with the chapter, but ya know.


	6. Take My Arms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning! This chapter includes someone being attacked and some panic attack symptoms, so please read with caution. <3
> 
> And thanks again to DarkHeartInTheSky for editing this chapter!

Castiel walks out of school on Wednesday in a really good mood. He and Dean made plans to hang out at his house after Dean gets off work and he has no homework today, which means he'll be able to do whatever he wants until Dean comes over. He pulls his keys out of his pocket and begins heading to his car, which is parked around the other side of the school. He's not sure why he parks in the back and comes out the front, but he's gotten into the habit of just walking around the building.

His keys goes flying out of his hand when he's shoved up against the side wall of the building. His breath is forced out at the impact, leaving him gasping for air as he looks at his attacker.

"Castiel," Alastair sneers, his face only inches from Cas's. Castiel tries not to inhale, afraid of being able to smell Alastair's disgusting breath. Alastair stares into Cas's eyes with a hatred that sends pure terror through Cas's body. Without warning, Alastair punches Cas in the nose, which crunches and begins to bleed on to Cas's shirt. Cas's eyes screw shut and his face crumples in pain. He keeps silent even though he's screaming in his mind for somebody, anybody, to come.

Cas tries to get out of Alastair's hold, but he is pinned too tightly.

"I've noticed that you've been hanging out with Dean lately," Alastair says in light tone, but his eyes turn colder than they'd been before. He presses one forearm to Cas's collarbone to pin him to the wall more efficiently. He presses hard enough that Cas can feel Alastair cutting off a small amount of air, but not enough to strangle Cas.

_It's probably a scare tactic._

"See, that just won't do," he leans in to whisper in Cas's ear, his breath warm and wet on Cas’s skin. Alastair pulls back and punches Cas again, this time hitting his cheek. He says nothing else, he just turns his arm so he's got a hand on Cas's throat instead of his arm.

He punches Cas a few more times in the exact same spot. Castiel can feel his lip split and his face begin to swell, but he remains completely silent, as always.

"I'm gonna need you to stop that. Dean's mine," he hisses, his voice becoming even more nasally. Cas feels Alastair tightening his grip on his throat and his hands fly up to grab at his arm. "I would rather not have to make you stay away from him," Alastair threatens. He looks Cas straight in the eyes again, sending even more fear down Cas's spine. Cas is absolutely terrified, but he does his best not to show it in any way. He knows that's what Alastair wants and he will not grant him that.

Alastair moves his free hand up to Cas's throat as well, a sickening grin on his face. Cas squirms, a small whimper coming from the back of his throat as Alastair begins tightening the hands around his neck, cutting off his air completely. Cas grabs at his hands to pull him away, tries to push away from the wall, but nothing works. Alastair leaves his hands there, the pressure increasing, until Cas begins to see dark spots in his peripheral vision. Alastair says something, but Castiel can't hear anything but the blood rushing in his ears.

_I'm going to die here._

Then the hand is gone and Cas is being pushed to the ground, landing directly on his stomach with a grunt. The little breath in his lungs is knocked out of him, again, and he doesn't have a chance to regain it before Alastair sits heavily on his back. Cas isn't a small guy, but Alastair is bigger and outweighs Cas by at least ten pounds, making it impossible for Cas to throw him off.

"So, I need you to tell me you will stop seeing Dean," Alastair says.

_No, he wants me to talk. I can't talk, I can't._

Cas remains silent, pissing Alastair off. He grabs Cas's right wrist and presses his other hand to the back of Cas's elbow before pulling his wrist back. Cas can feel the pressure on his elbow as Alastair pushes his arm forward while still pulling it back at the wrist.

"I don't wanna have to do this Castiel, but I need to hear you say it," Alastair says with mock sympathy. It's obvious to Cas that he's enjoying the power of almost breaking someone's arm and it only causes Cas to be even more afraid. This guy is insane.

_Just say something! Come on, I can do this! I have to! I can't let him break my arm._

Cas hears a pop come from his elbow before a small spike of pain comes from the joint. He let's out a groan and hears Alastair chuckle.

"Come on Castiel," Alastair says, pulling Cas's arm back even more. "I know you can speak," he whispers in his ear again, leaning forward on Cas's back so he's practically laying on him. Cas squirms uncomfortably, trying to shake him off. Alastair just laughs again at Cas's poor attempt to escape.

_No, this is like the last time. No, please no._

Cas feels tears running down his cheek, just like they did the last time someone was on his back like this. He shakes his head at nothing in particular and a sob escapes.

"Oh come on Castiel, don't be this way," Alastair says, letting his arm go so he can place his hands on Castiel's sides and run them up and down his torso. Alastair rolls his hips against Castiel's back, making Cas sob brokenly. Alastair continues touching Cas back and sides while grinding down periodically.

Castiel tries to push himself up or pull himself away, but Alastair is too heavy for Cas to move at all. He feels Alastair's breath on the back of his neck he feels tacky lips press to the skin at the bottom of his hairline. Cas makes a strangled sound and attempts to buck his hips up, trying to move Alastair off just an inch.

"You might be more fun than Dean would be," he says. Cas shakes his head and tries to push up again, becoming desperate to get away.

_Please. Stop._

"I'll let you go this time Castiel. Remember, stay away from Dean," Alastair whispers again before pushes himself off of Cas. He delivers a hard kick to Cas's side, laughing at the broken sound that comes from Cas's throat before he turns on his heel and walks away. Castiel turns his head and closes his eyes, crying into the grass and still sobbing.

***

"Cas, you'll never believe what happened at wor-- what the fuck happened to you?" Dean says when Castiel opens the door that night. He had driven home after Alastair's attack, though it took him a while to get up and find his keys. His elbow also hurt like hell, so he had to drive with one hand. He'd been hoping that Dean wouldn't have noticed the bruises, but one look in the mirror told him that was not going to happen. His lip was split, his nose broken, and he had a huge black and purple bruise on his right cheek.

Dean pushes his way into the house and grabs Cas's elbow to pull him into the kitchen where the light is brighter, but drops it immediately when Cas winces. When they get into the kitchen Dean grabs Cas's arm to inspect it. Cas determined earlier that it wasn't broken, just sprained or something.

"What the hell?" Dean asks, turning to look at Cas's face. He brushes a thumb over Cas's lip to get a better look.

He looks at the bruise on Cas's cheek before his eyes glance at Cas's neck and widen in shock. Dean nudges Cas's chin back and he gasps.

"Oh my god. Who the fuck did this?" His voice is seeping with anger, but his touch is gentle as he inspects the bruises. Cas hadn't realized at first that Alastair had left a bruise on his throat where he was choking him, but apparently he did.

Cas grabs his notebook and writes something down before handing it to Dean.

**It was Alastair. It's okay, it's not as bad as it looks.**

Dean looks at the note before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around Cas. He brushes the place Alastair kicked, unaware it was there. Cas flinches and Dean jumps back like he was stung. He doesn't say anything as he pulls Cas's shirt up, moving his arm out of the way.

"Jesus Cas!," He curses as he reveals a foot sized bruise that's darker than those on Cas's face. "I'm going to kill him."

Cas shakes his head, touching Dean arm to grab his attention. They make eye contact and Cas shakes his head again, more insistently.

"Cas, this isn't okay! He hurt you and that-- that's not okay," Dean says, his voice full of emotion. Cas can see Dean's eyes filling with tears and he shakes his head again before grabbing Dean's hand and pulling him closer. Dean takes the hint and wraps his arms around Cas protectively, letting Cas bury his face in his chest. Cas twists his fingers into the front of Dean's t-shirt.

They stand there for an immeasurable number of minutes, just holding each other.

"Cas?" Dean asks. Cas pulls back enough to see Dean's green eyes filled with concern. "Are you okay?" he asks.

Cas nods, not realizing that he had started shaking uncontrollably.

"It's okay. I won't let him hurt you," Dean promises. Cas nods and puts his head in Dean's chest again. "I know I promised that before. But I will not let this happen again," Cas pulls back the moment he hears the blame in Dean's voice that's aimed at himself. He grabs his notebook.

**This was not your fault. There wasn't anything you could've done to keep him from me. You can't watch over me all of the time.**

Dean doesn't reply to that, he just smiles sadly at Cas, obviously unconvinced. "Are you hungry?" Dean asks suddenly after a few minutes of them continuing to stand in silence. Cas nods, smiling at Dean's attempt to lighten the mood. "Okay, good. I can make something, if you want me to that is," Dean offers. They look through the kitchen in search of something to make and find a box of spaghetti noodles and a jar of tomato sauce.

Dean begins boiling the noodles and forces Cas to sit at the island with an ice pack on his side. He says that the ones on his cheek and neck don't look too bad, but the one on his side doesn't look good. Cas finds it endearing how doctor-like Dean became when he had gotten over the initial shock of the injuries. He also made Cas take some pain medication, despite Castiel's assurances that he was perfectly fine.

Forced to sit, Cas watches Dean maneuver around the kitchen with an easy grace, as if he belongs there. Dean catches Cas staring at one point and steps over to place a kiss on his forehead before returning to stir the noodles.

"Dinner is served!" Dean says with a flourish when he places two bowls of steaming spaghetti on the island. "Can we eat here?" he asks. At Castiel's nod, Dean sits next to him with his body angled so their knees are touching. They both dig in and chew happily, Cas moaning at the first bite. It may only be noodles and sauce, but Cas is pretty sure that this is the best dinner he's ever had. It could have something to do with the fact that Dean made it.

***

"Wanna listen to some music?" Dean asks as they sit on Castiel's bed. When they finished dinner the two decided to go upstairs and hang out on Cas's bed. Neither commented on how they didn't have plans to watch a movie or anything, they just wanted to be next to each other. So, they're laying down beside each other with their hands clasped between them. Cas looks over and nods, causing Dean to drop his hand and get off the bed. Cas instantly misses the warmth of Dean next to him and the feeling of Dean's hand in his. But within a few seconds, Dean is next to Cas again with a song playing softly in the background.

Dean rolls on his side to place a gentle kiss to Cas's bruised cheek. Cas blushes at the sweet gesture and catches Dean's lips with his own. He begins to deepen the kiss, but the song changes and Dean pulls away quickly with a soft gasp.

"I love this song!" he says enthusiastically as a soft melody fills the room. Cas watches in awe at the way Dean's eyes light up and how he smiles brightly. Dean rolls off of the bed and extends his hand to Cas. "Can I have this dance?" he asks. Cas looks up at him, wide eyed, and grabs his notebook to write quickly.

**I don't know how.**

Dean chuckles and shrugs, grabbing Cas's hand and pulling him up. "It's okay, I'll show you," Dean says, guiding Cas into the middle of the room. Dean places Cas's hands on his hips before putting his own on Cas's shoulders.

"Okay, just follow my lead," Dean guides Cas to step to the side and then again with the other foot in a small circle. "Yea, see? You get it," Dean says proudly. Cas grins up at him and takes a small step closer. He rests his head on Dean's shoulder and they continue swaying softly to the beat. Dean's lips brush Cas's ear and begins singing quietly to him.

_"-mother Mary comes to me,_

_singing words of wisdom,_

_just let it be,_

_let it be,_

_oh let it be,"_

Dean continues to sing in Cas's ear, the words meaning more to Cas than he's sure Dean means them.

"Spin," Dean says, guiding their hands up so Cas can turn underneath them. He follows Dean's guidance and does a small spin before stumbling into Dean, who catches him and pulls him close. Dean wraps an arm around Cas's back and rests it there, holding him in place. Their chests brush as they sway to the beat, each touch sending warmth through Castiel. Dean continues to sing softly and places soft kisses to his temple when there are no words. When the song fades to silence, Dean draws back to meet Cas's eyes, kissing his cheek as he does. Dean's hand moves and cups Castiel's jaw and they stand there, just breathing each other in.

Dean leans in and closes the short distance between them, his lips landing gently on Cas's. Cas opens his mouth instantly, which Dean takes advantage of and slides his tongue against Cas's. The kiss is different than the ones they've shared before; it's more passionate, yet still gentle. It says something that Cas can't comprehend, but he can tell that Dean is saying something through the kiss. Dean licks into Cas's mouth and runs his tongue along the roof of his mouth. One of them moans, but neither are sure who it was.

Dean guides Cas up to the bed, where he falls back and bounces slightly. Dean, lost in the passion, straddles Cas's hips again as he had last time they were kissing. Cas feels the panic coming on, but he doesn't want to freak out on Dean again. He trusts him and he wants this, or at least he thinks he does.

_It's okay, this is Dean. He's not going to do anything I'm not comfortable with._

Dean moves to kiss the corner of Cas's mouth and makes a line of kisses to his neck, where he begins kissing the bruises there. Dean's hands are resting on the hemline of Cas's shirt. He moves back to kissing Castiel's lips, their tongues sliding together perfectly.

"Cas," Dean moans into the kiss, rolling his hips as he slides his hands under Cas's shirt to touch his bare skin. He doesn't notice when Cas freezes or how his pulse begins to race.

_Oh god. I can't--_

Cas pushes against Dean's shoulders, trying to get him to pull off. He turns his head to escape Dean's lips, catching Dean's attention.

"Cas?" He pulls off immediately and Cas's wide eyes jump to Dean's. "You're shaking again-- Jesus, Cas what's wrong? What did I do?" He asks. Cas just shakes his head while he tries to get himself to calm down. He can feel the panic spreading and it's all he can do not to fall apart.

"Shh, Cas it's okay," Dean says, wiping away a tear from Cas's cheek. Castiel isn't sure when he started crying, but now he can't get himself to stop.

"I'm sorry," Dean whispers. Cas shakes his head and grabs Dean's shirt, pulling him down beside him. Dean wraps his arms around a crying Cas for the second time. "It'll be okay," He murmurs into Cas's hair, though he's not sure what 'it' is.

_God I'm so fucked up. I can't even kiss him without freaking out. He should just break up with me. I can't talk and I can't even--_

"Dammit," Dean says as his phone starts going off, scaring both of them. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers it with a sigh. "Sam?" he says. He looks down apologetically at Cas, whose hands are still gripping tightly to his shirt. "Sam I'm-- okay. I'll be there as soon as I can," Dean sighs. He hangs up the phone and buries his nose in Cas's hair again. Cas makes a curious noise, unsure of what's happening. "I'm sorry, I have to go. Sam he's-- well, he needs me at home," Dean explains. " But I don't want to leave you right now," He whispers.

Cas pulls back and grabs his notebook.

**Go to your brother, he needs you. I'll be okay.**

"Okay. Well, I'm not going to leave you alone like this. I'm going to call you right now and stay on the phone with you until you fall asleep, okay?" Dean says, rolling off of the bed and on to his feet. Cas writes something down again and hands the notepad to Dean.

**But I don’t talk. The line would be silent.**

"That's alright. I'll just talk for the both of us. I'll tell you a story or something," Dean says, picking up his phone and dialing Cas's number, causing his phone to ring on cue. Cas answers immediately, but just places the phone on the bed. "Okay, I'm going to head out. Just listen to my voice and try to sleep," Dean says. He smiles when Cas nods before Dean leans over to place a kiss to his forehead. "Night Cas."

  
That night, Cas falls asleep to the sound of Dean's voice telling him a story from when Sam was little. He can't remember the last time he fell asleep feeling so content and relaxed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by 'Let It Be' by the Beatles, which is also the song Castiel and Dean danced to. 
> 
> As always, you can follow me on Tumblr at xxinfinitywriterxx for updates and other random Supernatural things! 
> 
> I hope you guys are enjoying the story so far! Exciting things coming up, so stay tuned!!! :)


	7. I Might Teach You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Warning for homophobic slurs, mild violence, and some slight smutty details.

To say that Dean is mad is a huge understatement. He's not even furious. He's fucking pissed.

Right now, he could kill Alastair.

 Dean managed to keep himself under control around Cas, knowing that Cas already had enough shit going on without Dean pilling his anger on top of everything. He managed to keep himself under control around Sam and his dad, despite John's extreme drunkenness when Dean got home. He kept his mouth shut, helped John to bed, and went to sleep without blowing up even though John threw a punch. Sam, being the genius he is, knew something was wrong. Lucky for Dean, he didn't say anything. So, Dean managed to go through all of last night without going off.

 But now, seeing Alastair walking down the hallway with a huge grin plastered on his creepy face, Dean snaps. 

 Before he knows what he's doing, he has the asshole pushed up against the lockers. Of course there is a crowd watching them, but Dean is too busy seeing red to notice. 

 "If you touch him again, I will kill you," Dean growls, his voice low and intimidating. Alastair doesn't even flinch, acting as if being threatened is an everyday thing. Dean slams him against the locker again, making a loud noise that draws more attention. "I swear to God, Alastair. I will murder you," Dean leans in to Alastair's face and looks him directly in the eye.

 "Careful now Dean, you wouldn't want to cause a scene," Alastair sneers, managing to piss Dean off more. "I can see how much this affected you," he says with mock sympathy. Dean winds an arm up and punches Alastair in the nose, just like Alastair had punched Cas the night before. "How about I make you a deal?"

 "I don't wanna make a fucking deal with you. You will leave Cas alone or I will rip your lungs out, your choice" Dean says, his voice suddenly eerily calm. Dean puts a hand on Alastair's neck and begins choking him, allowing him to gasp for breath for a minute before he lets up. "Now, let's hear your decision," Dean growls in his face. Alastair begins coughing as soon as Dean releases his neck, a laugh erupting from the back of his throat. 

 "Aw, looks like someone's getting protective. Tell me, Dean, are you a pitcher or a catcher?" 

Alastair laughs. A growl is forced from Dean's throat as he punches Alastair over and over. The only sound he can hear is the blood rushing through his ears. He can feel someone grabbing his arm and trying to pull him off, but he ignores them. He stops and grabs Alastair's collar. 

 "Oh I'm sorry, did I insult your mute faggot?" Alastair says around the blood in his mouth. 

 "I'll kill you!" Dean shouts, pulling his arm back to throw yet another punch when he hears someone yelling his name. He looks back and sees Jo standing behind him, obviously the one who had been trying to pull him off. 

 "C'mon Dean, we need to go," She says, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him away. 

 "I better not see you again, asshole," Dean turns back to look at Alastair, who is wiping blood from his mouth, before turning and following Jo. 

 ***

 Dean walks out of fourth period and scans the hallway immediately. Castiel usually is outside of the classroom waiting for Dean so they can walk to lunch together, but he's not there today. Dean is instantly concerned, his thoughts turning to Alastair. As soon as the thoughts cross his mind, they're appeased as a tuft of dark hair comes into view. However, the moment he sees Cas's expression, he's worried again. 

 Cas looks kind of pissed, which isn't something Dean has seen before. 

 Dean has seen a number of expressions on Cas's face and the fact that this is a new one makes Dean uneasy. 

  _What could have Cas so mad?_

 "Cas?" Dean says as soon as Castiel is close enough. Cas shakes his head and grabs Dean's sleeve, pulling him towards an empty classroom. "Cas, what's going on?"

  _Alastair better not have anything to do with this._

 Castiel doesn't give Dean any clue as to why he's mad, just shuts the door and keeps his back turned for a moment. The silence from Cas is making Dean anxious to the point he can't handle it. When Cas turns around suddenly and pushes a note into Dean's hands, Dean jumps. 

 Cas ignores Dean's curious look and just shakes his head. Dean looks down hesitantly and unfolds the crumpled note, suddenly terrified of the tiny piece of paper.

  **What the hell were you thinking? Beating up Alastair like that?**

 "Cas, he-" Dean begins, but Cas cuts him off with a shake of his head. Dean should have known that was what this is about and he can't help but feel slightly relieved. Cas grabs the paper back and scribbles something on it before practically throwing it at Dean. 

  **I can take care of myself, Dean. All you did was piss him off worse.**

 Dean doesn't say anything, knowing that it would be useless. He's accepted that going after Alastair this morning was a bad idea, but at least he had defended Cas. He just didn't realize that Cas would be upset that he did it. Grateful was more of what Dean had been expecting, but what he's receiving is far from grateful.

  _God, I'm shit at protecting people. When I do, I just fuck things up. Cas can see it, he should just leave me. I'm worthless._

 Cas turns his back to Dean and puts his hands on his hips with an angry sigh. Dean thinks it's probably a good idea to just stay quiet, he'd most likely just piss Cas off even more by saying something. Dean tries to be patient and let Cas cool off but after five minutes of that, Dean is at his breaking point. He hates that Cas is mad at him and him being unable to look at Dean is terrifying.

 It scares Dean more than he will admit.

  _Please, don't leave me._

 "Cas, I'm sorry. I was just so mad that he hurt you and-- I'm sorry. I don't want to make this a chick flick moment, but the thought of someone hurting you," Dean trails off, already feeling himself wander into a girly conversation. He doesn't want that, but he can't have Cas mad at him either. "I know you can take care of yourself, but I care about you and man, I couldn't just let him get away with it," he explains. 

 Cas still hasn't turned around, but Dean doesn't know what else to say. There is one thing he's wanted to say for a while, but he can't get the words to come out. Not right now. 

  _Well, there is another thing that might tell him and get him to look at me._

"Cas, I want you to meet Bobby," Dean says out of nowhere. Sure enough, that gets Cas to turn around slowly, his eyes wide with shock. "I know it's not my dad or anything, but Bobby's actually more of a dad to me than my actual--" Dean cuts off as Cas rushes forward and places his hands on Dean's cheeks. Cas nods and a grin breaks out across his face. He places a soft kiss on the tip of Dean's nose before grabbing the paper. 

  **Okay. We aren't done talking about this, but I'd love to meet Bobby.**

 "Awesome. He's having a family dinner thing tonight with Sam and I. Wanna come with me?" 

 ***

"You look fine," Dean laughs as Sam, Cas, and he walk up the small walkway to Bobby's house. For the fourth time since Dean's picked Cas up, he has caught him smoothing down his hair out of nervousness. Cas looks down at his feet and blushes. "Trust me, you look hot," Dean whispers in Cas's ear so that Sam can't hear him. Dean smiles at Cas's sharp inhale before he reaches up and messes up Cas's hair just as they reach the door. 

 He laughs at Cas's glare and the small sound of protest he makes. 

 He wasn't lying though. Cas looks especially hot tonight with his black jeans, white undershirt, and black jacket. He's even wearing black leather boots. Dean's not sure why Cas felt the need to dress so much differently than usual, but he sure as hell isn't complaining.

 Sam opens the door and walks in, the need to knock long gone. Sam and Dean practically live here, so Bobby told them long ago to just treat this as their home. Dean looks over at Cas, who is frantically trying to smooth his hair down and failing miserably. Now it's sticking up everywhere and looks like pure sex. 

 Dean tries to get his head out of the gutter, but the outfit, hair, and small sounds of frustration Cas is making are not helping his efforts. But Dean knows he won't push Cas ever again. 

 He's not sure what happened to Castiel. He knows that he freaks out when they get farther than just kissing. Dean doesn't mind if they can't do anything, he wants Cas for more than sex. But whatever happened to Cas, it was bad. All Dean wants to do is help him. He keeps fucking up and pushing him too far, but he won't do that anymore. He just wants Cas to be okay. He just wants Cas, period. 

 "Dean, Sam! Good to see ya," Ellen, Bobby's wife, says as she takes both boys in a tight hug. "Who's this?" she asks, turning to Cas. He smiles nervously at her and Dean realizes that she had expected him to say something.

"Ellen, this Castiel," Dean says. "He's my-- my boyfriend. I wanted him to meet you and Bobby." When he looks over at Cas, he looks surprised. 

  _Right. We hadn't labelled this yet. Shit._

 "It's nice to meet you, Castiel," Ellen smiles at Cas. He smiles back, hoping that she doesn't expect him to talk again. "Well, everyone, dinner's in the dining room. We were just waiting for you guys." She leads them into the dining room where Jo and a gruff looking man in a baseball cap are sitting. 

 "Bobby," Dean says as a greeting to the man, Bobby. "This is my boyfriend, Castiel."

 Bobby looks Castiel up and down before smiling slightly. "Hi," Bobby says in a voice that matches his exterior appearance. Cas nods to him before taking a seat next to Dean, who places a hand on his leg immediately to try and calm Cas's nerves. 

 "So, Castiel, tell us about yourself," Ellen says once everyone has filled their plates with her lasagna and garlic bread. Cas looks up at her with wide eyes. Dean can see how anxious he is becoming from the blush on his cheeks.

 "Actually Ellen, Cas is mute," Dean explains with a smile, as if he's just telling her where Cas works. He hopes that Ellen doesn't push any more questions Cas's way that can't be answered easily. He knows how upset Cas gets when he can't answer for himself.

 "Anyways, Cas works at that little bookstore downtown. His older brother, Gabriel owns it. That's where I met him actually," Dean says, looking at Cas the whole time he speaks. He's trying to keep it like he's answering for Cas and not just bragging about his awesome boyfriend (damn, he likes how that sounds). Cas just keeps looking at him with a soft smile, so he figures he's doing okay.

 "He's also a straight A student. We share two classes and he's so smart, you wouldn't even believe it! This one time, he even corrected the teacher! He's gotta be one of the smartest kids in the class. He's also damn funny, hell he can even--" Dean blushes and cuts himself off when he realizes that he's been rambling. He looks down and mindlessly pushes a piece of cheese around with his fork while everyone picks up conversation awkwardly. He feels Castiel's hand on his, trying to grab his attention. 

 He looks up and meets Cas's bright blue eyes that are filled with concern. Dean smiles, trying to make Cas feel a little better. 

 Dean honestly doesn't know why he got so embarrassed. He just doesn't typically do that, not about anyone but Sam. If Cas were anyone else, he would have just told Ellen what she needed to know, not brag on Cas. And, if he's being honest, Dean doesn't even mind. He has so much he could say about Cas. He wants everyone to know just how awesome he is. 

 He looks over at the Cas and feels something in his chest warm. He knows how he feels for Cas and it scares the shit out of him. He's never fallen for anyone so fast, hell he's not even sure he's ever fallen for anyone before. It's never felt like it does with Cas. It's so easy, so simple, and that scares Dean even more. 

 "Dean?" Someone at the table says, pulling him from his staring. He looks up quickly and feels another blush rise to his cheeks. He's sure Cas saw him staring too, but didn't do anything about it. 

 "Sorry, what?" Dean says. The whole table, excluding Cas, bursts into laughter. All of the blood rushes to Dean's cheeks and he glares at everyone, making them all laugh harder. "Jerks." 

 *** 

 After dropping Sam off at Dean's house, Cas and Dean decide to take a drive. Castiel doesn't have to be home until eleven and it's only 9:30. Neither boy wanted to part ways yet, so Dean drives them to the top of a hill that overlooks the small town. The scene is beautiful and Cas is in awe at how many stars you can see in the country. 

 "Wanna sit on the hood?" Dean asks after they've sat in the car for a little while. There has been a comfortable silence between them, but Dean knows that Cas is going to want to talk about what happened with Alastair eventually. Might as well be sooner than later, right?

 At Cas's nod, both boys hop out of the Impala, closing the doors with loud bangs that slice through the calm of the night. Cas follows Dean's lead of hoping on the warm hood of the car. They sit shoulder to shoulder and eventually they hold hands. 

 "It's beautiful out here," Dean murmurs quietly, trying not to disturb the quiet. Cas nods in agreement and squeezes Dean's hand before grabbing his small notebook from his pocket. He turns so Dean can't see what he's writing. 

  **Dean, why did you attack Alastair this morning? You have to know that was stupid and pointless.**

 Dean sighs in frustration and defeat before he glances at Cas, his eyes full of a strange emotion. He doesn't answer for a while, like he can't find the words he's looking for. 

 While Dean thinks, Cas can't help but let his mind wander. He keeps trying to figure Dean out, but every time he thinks he understands Dean, he does something that completely throws Cas off. Like attacking Alastair. Cas knew Dean was angry last night, but he didn't think Dean would do something like that. But then in the empty classroom, he was so desperate and vulnerable. Cas can't wrap his mind around how Dean can be so angry, then turn around and be open and scary. 

 It freaks Cas out to think about all of Dean's different sides, but he can't help but fall for him even more every time he sees a new layer of Dean. Every layer is so different and it makes Dean seem like a puzzle. 

 After what feels like forever, Dean finally says something. Well, he doesn't say it, he signs it. 

 I love you. (see notes for info)

 Cas sits frozen in shock and looks at Dean, trying to figure out if Dean knows what he signed. He didn't even know that Dean could sign, and now... 

 Castiel doesn’t think there is any way that Dean could know what he just said. He doesn’t love Cas, there’s no way.

  _Dean is NOT like them._

 Dean takes Cas's hand in his own and turns to face him from a less awkward angle. 

 "I love you, Cas. That's the only reason I can think of that explains why I did it. I couldn't let him get away with hurting you because I love you. And I know you’re probably wondering how I knew how to sign. Hannah's been teaching me. She was more than happy to show me that sign when I asked her to," Dean explains quietly. 

 Cas can tell that he's freaking Dean out by not doing anything, but he's in shock. 

  _Did Dean just say that?_

 Cas raises his hand and copies the sign that Dean just did, causing Dean's face to light up. Cas leans in and catches Dean's lips with his own.

 To him, this feels like a dream. 

 He runs his tongue along Dean's lower lip and is instantly given access to Dean's mouth. He slides his hand up Dean's arm until it is cupping his jaw and takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss. 

 This kiss is different than the others. This time, Dean is completely at Cas's mercy. He's relaxed and allowing Cas to do whatever he wants to do. And this time, Cas isn't scared. He wants this. He wants Dean. 

With that conclusion in mind, he gently guides Dean to lay on his back without breaking the kiss. Cas moves so he's straddling Dean's hips as Dean has done to him twice. Cas runs his tongue along the roof of Dean's mouth, drawing out a small moan. 

"Wait, Cas," Dean says, nudging Cas's shoulders back so he can look at him. "Are you sure? I don't want to push you," he says, somewhere deep in Castiel warming at from his concern. 

Cas nods and leans down to place a gentle kiss to Dean's cheek. He makes a line of kisses down Dean's jaw to his neck, where he begins placing open mouth kisses to Dean's pulse point, all the while causing Dean to make small noises that motivate Cas to continue. 

Cas has never done this, but he knows what he wants to do. He sits back, to Dean's disappointment, and pulls out his notebook. 

_ God, I wish I could talk. This would be so much easier. _

He scribbles something down in sloppy handwriting and turns it around so Dean can read it.

"You wanna? It might be easier if I show you," Dean says, anticipation and something else lacing his voice. He smirks at the last part, but noticeably hesitates. "Can we switch places? Would that be okay?" 

The thought of having Dean on top of him causes panic to rise in his chest. He can tell himself that Dean is nothing  like those other guys at all, but the idea of it still pushes adrenaline through his veins. He wants to do this. He does. 

Cas nods and pushes himself off of Dean and lays back on the cooling hood. Dean straddles Cas's hips and looks down at him in awe.  

"God, I love you," he murmurs as he leans down. To Cas, it sounds like Dean didn't mean to say it that time, but it doesn't warm Cas any less. Dean leans down and places a soft kiss to Cas's cheek before pulling back to look at him again. "If you start to get uncomfortable, tell me," he says.

Cas wants this, but he can  _ still _ feel the panic rising in his chest from Dean being on top of him. He knows Dean is not going to do anything that he doesn’t want. He takes a deep breath and nods. 

Dean leans down to place a drawn out kiss on Cas's lips, his tongue sliding past Cas's and drawing out a moan. Dean moves to kiss Cas's jaw and leaves a line of wet, open-mouthed kisses down his neck. When he gets to Cas's collarbone, he nips at the skin playfully before sucking. Cas moans deep in his throat and he can feel Dean smile at the sound. 

This is nothing like the other times someone has been on top of him, but even now, his thoughts stray into ‘what if?’. 

  _No, Dean is nothing like those assholes in California. He’s not._

Dean continues sucking at the skin above Cas's collarbone and Cas can feel the blood rushing there. He runs his hands up to Dean's hair for something to hold onto and hears a moan come from Dean. He never realized that Dean liked his hair pulled, but he is happy to oblige if that's something he likes. 

 With the soft sounds that Dean is making, the feeling of him on Cas's neck, and the bright stars above them, Cas thinks he may be in heaven.  

Once Dean is satisfied with the mark he's made, he sits back and runs his tongue over it before placing a gentle kiss to it. He moves back up and places a deep kiss on Cas's lips, drawing moans from both of them. Dean then sits back to admire his mark he made on Cas.

"Beautiful," Dean whispers, his eyes on Cas's. "You got it? Or do you want me to demonstrate again?" he smirks. Cas shakes his head and flips them so he's straddling Dean.  

He immediately goes back to Dean's pulse point and places a gentle kiss there. He can feel Dean squirming in anticipation below him and it excites him to know how much Dean wants this. He runs his tongue along Dean's pulse before nipping playfully at it. Dean gasps quietly when Cas sucks at first, but it turns to a moan as Cas continues. Cas can feel Dean's hands slide from sides to the small of his back where they grip gently on to his shirt. 

"Cas," Dean gasps when Cas sucks a little harder. "Oh-- God," he moans. With the sounds Dean's making, you'd think that they were doing more than they are, not that Cas cares. All of the little noises just egg him on and make him want to hear all of the sounds Dean makes.  

He looks up at Dean and smiles when he sees that he has his eyes closed and his pink lips forming a little ‘o’. 

Cas pulls back after one last suck to admire his work. He smiles at the darkening bruise on the left side of Dean's neck and leans down to place a soft kiss on it. He pulls back to meet Dean's now open eyes and loves how wrecked Dean looks. Only then does Cas notice the hard line of Dean's erection pressed against his inner thigh. 

Oh.  _ Oh. _

He looks at Dean with wide eyes and realizes he has absolutely no idea what to do. 

"It's okay, Cas, you don't have to-- uh," Dean says awkwardly, a blush rising in his cheeks. Cas looks at him and runs a thumb along Dean's cheekbone. 

Cas can feel his own arousal, but he hadn't realized... 

He can feel his panic beginning to rise and he curses himself mentally for it. He wants to be able to do this for Dean, but he doesn't know if he can. At least not right now. 

"It's fine. We don't have to do anything," Dean assures him. He places a hand on Cas's jaw and pulls him down for a gentle kiss. Cas pulls back and looks at him to make sure he means what he's saying. He can see how concerned Dean is from the look in his eyes and determines that he means it. He nods and pulls off of Dean to lay next to him instead.  

Dean wraps an arm around him and pulls him closer so he's got his head on Dean's chest. 

Cas dozes off to the sound of Dean's heartbeat while looking up at the stars. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the song Adrenaline by Matt Nathanson. Not gonna lie, this has to be one of my favorite songs right now.
> 
> Cas's outfit at Bobby's was inspired by this photo: https://xxinfinitywriterxx.tumblr.com/post/147103917310/what-when-why. I just really liked this pic, so... yea.
> 
> In the chapter, I mention Dean signing 'I love you'. There is one sign that says that, if you're really interested just Google the sign for it. In the chapter he does the single handed sign for it.
> 
> As always, you can follow me on Tumblr at xxinfinitywriterxx for updates and random supernatural posts. Thanks for reading!!!


	8. Cold and Damp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for smut! Sorry. It was unplanned and it kinda just happened. Oops... 
> 
> This is sort of a filler chapter, due to the fact that the previous chapter and the next chapter both are important to the story and I wanted to break it up a little bit. :)

*Two Weeks Later*

“Holy shit Cas, you look amazing!” Dean says when Cas comes out from his bedroom in the blue and black flannel that Dean loaned to him. He figured Cas needed something cozy and fall-like to wear for their date today. Dean hasn’t told Cas what they’re doing yet, but Dean is excited about it. Fall is his favorite time of year after all, so he figured he and Cas had to do something to embrace the season.

He looks Cas up and down in awe. The way the flannel hugs all of the right places, like his shoulders, but hangs off to leave some things to the imagination is just stunning. Not to mention the way it makes his eyes pop.

Dean had planned on getting the shirt back, but seeing how Cas looks better in it than him, he might let Cas keep it. 

Cas looks down at the shirt like it’s personally offending him before shaking his head at Dean. He scribbles something in his notebook.

**I look ridiculous.**

“You do not! Please wear it, for me? Just for today and then you never have to wear plaid again,” Dean says, his voice pleading. It would be a crime to allow Cas to take that shirt off unless Dean was the one doing it. 

They haven’t gone any farther than kissing still, but Dean doesn’t mind at all. Cas has been getting really good at making out, so if that’s all they can do, Dean is going to take it. He’s decided he’ll take anything Cas will give him.

And sure, it sucks that they haven’t done anything, but it’s obvious to Dean that something happened to Cas that makes it so he has an issue doing anything other than kissing, but Dean loves Cas. Until he knows what happened, he’s not going to push Cas any farther than he wants to go.

Dean’s honestly just happy that Cas hasn’t realized how broken Dean is and left yet. Dean knows he’s not good enough for Cas, it’s obvious, but he can’t imagine losing him. He thinks it would break him beyond repair. He used to think he was already to that point, but he’s gaining faith that maybe Cas can fix him. 

_ Why the hell would he though? As soon as he sees how messed up I am, he’ll be gone.  _

Cas turns his notebook around so Dean can see it, pulling Dean out of his thoughts.

**Fine. Just this once. What are we doing today?**

“I can’t tell you that, it’ll ruin the surprise. Guess you just gotta trust me,” Dean says with a smirk. Cas rolls his eyes and walks over to Dean, putting his hands on his jaw before leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on his lips.

Cas then slides his hands down to Dean’s waist and pulls him in for a tight hug. He pulls away like he was stung at the slight hiss of pain Dean makes. He makes a curious sound and looks at Dean with concern.

“It’s nothing, just a--” Dean begins, cutting off when Cas roughly pulls his shirt up. “Cas, seriously, I’m fine.” Cas gasps when he spots a large bruise on Dean’s right side and runs his hand over it gently. He looks at Dean pointedly, asking for an explanation.

“Zombie attack, but don’t worry, I took care of it,” he says, a small smirk playing on his lips. Cas looks at him with concern and Dean can tell he is calling his bluff with the expression. “Seriously Cas, I’m okay.” 

Cas lifts a hand and gives Dean a suspicious glare before grabbing his notebook and writing something down quickly.

**You’re obviously not okay. Who did this? Was it Alastair?**

“No, it wasn’t Alastair. Me and Sammy just got in a wrestling match yesterday and he elbowed me,” Dean says, using a more believable lie this time. Cas nods, but obviously doesn’t believe him. Dean decides to let the subject drop.

The truth is that when Dean got home the night before, John was absolutely wasted. Dean walked in on John yelling at Sam, his voice badly slurred, for breaking a glass or something. As soon as John began winding his arm back, Dean had surged forward and ended up taking the hit in his side. 

Sure, it had hurt like a son of bitch, but at least it hadn’t been Sam. That’s all that matters to Dean.

The feel of his shirt sliding back down his torso brought him back from the memory of last night. He looks at Cas, his eyes meeting Cas’s bright blue ones. Cas touches his cheek and leans in to kiss him again, this time a little bit deeper.

The pressure changes on his lips and Cas comes closer, their chests touching. He feels an arm wrap around his left side and rest on the small of his back. He loves kisses like this; gentle, but so intimate and meaningful. The short kiss sends sparks down his spine and he misses the feeling of it when Cas pulls away.

“You ready?” Dean asks, his excitement leaking into his voice. He grabs Cas’s hand after he nods and pulls him outside. The weather has been getting colder and today has to be the coldest yet. It’s also overcast, but Dean doesn’t think it will ruin their plans.

Dean walks around to the passenger side of the Impala and opens the door with a cocky wink, pleased with the blush that rises on Cas’s cheeks, despite Dean having done that nearly every time Cas rides in Baby. He is a gentleman, after all. 

He hops in the car and grins at the purr of the engine after he starts her up. He looks over at Cas, whose hands are resting stiffly beside his legs. Dean grabs Cas’s left hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, which is returned by a soft smile. 

“I love you,” Dean says sweetly. He’s not sure what has him in such a cheesy, romantic mood today, but he will milk it for all it is worth. He knows he’s not usually as soft and loving as Cas deserves, so when he is in that mindset, he makes sure to give Cas his all and give Cas what he should give every damn day. 

And ever since he said the words, let Cas know what he’s felt for months, he can’t stop saying them. He doesn’t think Cas minds. 

Cas raises his right hand in the only sign Dean knows by heart, except for his name, sending a warmth through Dean that he relishes.

_ It won’t last. How could it, with how fucked up I am? _

Dean’s good mood is dulled by his self-deprecating thoughts. He wishes his subconscious and the part of his brain that knows who he actually is would shut up for one damn day. He wants this day to be good for Cas and if he gets himself in a bad mood, he’ll ruin it like he ruins everything.

At that, he turns on the radio to try and drown out his thoughts. He doesn’t turn it up too loud, he knows how Cas hates loud music. Dean thinks it’s because he depends on hearing so much. Lucky for him, Cas doesn’t hate his taste in music though, so he can compromise and keep the volume down if it means he can listen to Metallica. 

Not that he wouldn’t keep the volume down anyways. Not that he wouldn’t do anything that Cas asked him to. 

He’s so far gone that it should scare him. It does, but only because he knows eventually he won’t have this and he’s not sure he could live without it.

It’s strange to Dean how even though Cas has only been in his life for two months, he already can’t imagine living life without him. How the thought of it feels like a punch in the gut and leaves him nearly gasping for air. Cas implemented himself into Dean’s life so easily, so simply, that Dean didn’t even notice how much he depended on him until it was too late. 

When they pull up to the small farm out in the middle of the country, Cas gives Dean a confused and weary look, which only serves to make Dean laugh. 

“So you’re probably wondering what we’re doing today,” Dean says, pointing out the obvious. Cas nods dramatically, telling Dean to continue. “I thought it’d be fun to do something festive, in light of fall. So, we are going to pick apples.” Dean smiles at Cas’s shocked expression. That obviously is not what he was expecting Dean to say.

“I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, I did it once with Sam a few years ago and thought it was fun. I thought afterward we could go to my house and I could teach you how to make my mom’s recipe for apple pie?” Dean says, rushing through the last part.

He’s never told Cas about his mom, and he’s never invited him over to his house, so that whole sentence is a full of shit that Dean would rather not talk about. The only reason he’s asking 

Cas over today is because Sam will be at a friend’s house and John should be at the bars until two in the morning. 

Cas nods and a wide grin breaks out across his face.

_ Yes! He likes it. Way to go, Dean. I got something right, for once. _

He pats himself on the back mentally for having an awesome date planned today. 

Dean slides his hand in Cas’s and leads him into a small barn where they grab a couple of baskets and pay a nice lady so they can go out to the apple orchard. She tells them that they are the only ones out in the orchard today, which Dean thinks is a plus. 

She tells them the directions to the orchard and tells them both to have fun. Dean doesn’t think that they are going to have a problem in that department. 

They thank her before heading back out into the chilly November air. Dean had made sure that Cas had his trench coat and a scarf before they left, knowing that they were going to be outside for a long while. They walk in comfortable silence down the trail that leads through the trees to the apple orchard.

When the orchard comes into view, Dean can’t help but smile. All of the trees are in perfect rows and are the same height. It’s kind of cute and exactly what he had pictured it would be. He is really proud of himself for this date idea.

Dean looks over at Cas and is happy to see him smiling softly too. 

“Well, let’s get to it,” Dean smiles, leading Cas to one of the rows of trees. They both go to separate trees, but make sure to remain right next to each other so they can still be near each other. Obviously talking is a little difficult, since Cas can’t speak, but being near each other is enough for the both of them. 

Dean still fills the silence with nonsense stories about Sam and Cas enjoys listening. It’s not that Dean’s stories are even that interesting, but Cas just enjoys hearing Dean’s voice. It’s comforting to him that someone is treating him like a normal person instead of someone disabled. 

“Yea, I can remember this one time when we went on a- um, trip, my dad let me take Sam and go to the state fair. I think it was the Ohio state fair. Dad had some business stuff he had to do, so Sam and I were on our own. We rode tons of rides that day, but the best part for me was seeing Sam’s tired smile at the end of the day,” Dean says as he moves around the tree that he’s picking from.

“Have you ever been to a fair?” Dean asks. He turns to look at Cas so he can see him nod or shake his head, but Cas isn’t in sight. “Cas?”

Dean takes a step back to see if maybe Cas had just walked around to the other side of the tree, but to no avail. He walks around his tree to look down the other row in the orchard, but Cas isn’t there either. Dean tries not to panic, knowing that it would be pointless, but he can feel himself starting to get anxious.

Ridiculous thoughts start to go through his mind, like:

_ What if Cas left because he wasn’t having fun? What if Alastair followed us here and hurt him? What if he got lost? Or this is him breaking up with me? What if- What if- What if he got knocked out by a falling apple or something?  _

He runs a hand through his hair and yells for Cas again. Dean drops the basket of apples and they all bounce out on the ground. He can’t find it in him to give any shits at the moment though. He runs down the row of trees calling for Cas, his panic rising each second he can’t find him. 

“Castiel!” Dean shouts again, his voice going slightly hoarse. 

_ Oh God, he left didn’t he? _

He knows he’s probably being paranoid, but last night wasn’t a good night and one of his dreams was-- well, it wasn’t good. 

Dean sits under a tree and tries to calm his erratic breath down. He can feel tears welling up that he’s unwilling to allow free. His hands are starting to shake and he can’t make them stop. He puts his head in his hands and takes a deep breath in, holds it, then breathes out. Dean does this a few more times before he hears a twig snap behind him. 

He jumps up and twists to look and is met with a curious blue gaze. A ragged breath escapes Dean as he takes two large steps towards Cas and wraps his arms around him.

“Oh my God, don’t do that. Jesus, Cas,” Dean puts a hand on Cas’s head and pulls it into his chest and rests his chin on the top of Cas’s head. He hugs him tight and tries to get his breathing back under control. 

Cas gently pulls away to look at Dean, making a curious sound. Dean scoffs, wondering how Cas doesn’t know what happened. 

“Where the hell were you?” Dean whispers, his voice sounding more scared than angry. Cas tilts his head in the way he does and grabs Dean’s hand. He guides him back down the row of trees and crouches down to pick up Dean’s dropped basket. Cas hands it to Dean before taking his hand again and points up at the tree he was picking from. 

“Wait, Cas did you climb the tree?” Dean asks in awe and annoyance. Cas nods, a small smile on his face. He pulls out his notebook and writes something down before turning it for Dean to see. 

**I couldn’t get down quick enough before you started running. And obviously I can’t yell to you. Why were you so panicked?**

“That’s kind of badass. And I don’t know, man-- I thought, well I thought maybe you had left,” Dean says. Cas shakes his head and cups Dean’s jaw with his free hand. He shakes his head a little firmer before leaning forward and placing a soft kiss on Dean’s lips. He presses their foreheads and noses together while looking into Dean’s eyes. 

Dean can only take that as ‘I’d never leave you’. 

Dean leans forward and kisses Cas again, pushing all of his worry and panic into it for Cas to feel. Cas deepens the kiss, sliding his tongue along Dean’s bottom lip. Dean opens his mouth instantly and can’t bite back the moan from Cas’s tongue sliding along his own. 

Cas’s taste is addictive; it’s like strawberries and the smell of rain, with something that has to be specifically Cas. Dean can’t help but chase the flavor, dropping his apple basket once again so he can wrap his arms around Cas and pull their chests together. 

Cas guides Dean back against a tree and pins him there with his hips. Dean tries not to do anything that could possibly push Cas farther than he wants to go, so he lets Cas do whatever he wants to, which apparently means kissing Dean stupid. 

Cas begins moving to Dean’s jaw and places sucking kisses there like Dean taught him. Dean knows he’s making all kinds of small, breathy noises, but he can’t find it in himself to care. He doesn’t think that Cas minds either, especially since it seems to make him more intense. 

Dean can tell that he is getting somewhere that Cas may not want to be, so he pushes Cas’s shoulders lightly. Cas shakes his head a little and begins sucking at Dean’s neck more insistently. 

“Cas,” Dean groans after a particularly harsh suck. He whimpers embarrassingly as Cas pulls away. “Maybe we should stop,” he suggests, a little out of breath. Cas looks at him curiously, so Dean rolls his hips forward a little bit. “I’m a little-- um, excited.”

Cas looks at him, his expression unreadable, before he leans forward and kisses Dean slowly. Dean moans again as Cas rolls his hips forward, showing that he’s in the same place as Dean. Cas slides his hand down Dean’s chest and unbuttons his jeans with one hand. He undoes the zipper and pushes Dean’s underwear down without breaking their kiss.

“Cas, are you sure?” Dean asks, his breath growing quicker as anticipation builds. Cas nods and kisses Dean again, sliding his tongue along the roof of Dean’s mouth, pulling out a moan. Cas is making soft noises as well that just push Dean further. 

Cas wraps his hand around Dean, sending sparks down Dean’s spine. He moans deep in his throat and feels Cas smirk against his lips. Cas slides his hand down, his grip somehow perfect already. Dean leans his head back against the tree and Cas takes the opportunity to kiss Dean’s bared neck while running his hand over Dean slowly. 

Dean’s hips twitch forward without his permission and a moan comes from Cas, which only serves to turn Dean on even more. Dean feels himself nearing the edge extremely quick, which would be embarrassing if it didn’t feel so damn good. 

“Cas-- I’m close,” Dean says between a moan. He whimpers when Cas’s hand stops, pulling him back from the edge quickly. Cas drops to his knees quickly and Dean groans again. “Oh God,” he breathes, knowing what’s about to happen.

Cas smirks, which isn’t something Dean sees often, before he swallows Dean in one motion. 

_ Oh god this is happening. _

“Holy-- fuck,” Dean moans, instantly close again. Cas’s hands run up the back of Dean’s thighs and rest there. Dean’s fingers find their way to Cas’s hair and run through it. Dean glances down and sees Cas looking up at him from under his eyelashes. He looks so dirty, which clashes with how angelic he always is and it drives Dean closer.   

Cas runs his tongue along Dean’s length, nearly making him come right then. “Cas, I’m--” he tries to warn. Cas sucks harshly and all at once Dean feels like he’s falling. His vision whites out for a moment as Cas swallows all of him. “God, fuck.” 

And then Cas is standing up and tucking Dean back in his jeans with a soft smile. Dean leans forward and catches Cas’s lips and kisses him softly.

Dean runs his hand down Cas’s chest with the intent of repaying him, but Cas grabs his hand and shakes his head slightly. He laces their fingers together and kisses Dean again. 

“Are you sure?” Dean asks, earning a nod from Cas. Dean decides to not push and just take it for what it is. At least they made it this far. Dean really would like to make Cas feel good too, but he doesn’t want to make him freak out again. “I think we have enough apples,” he says with a smirk, leaning forward to catch Cas’s lips again. 

***

“Yea, so just like that-- perfect!” Dean says as he guides Cas through making the pie. When they got to his house, Dean had been nervous about having Cas there. He was worried about John coming home early or Cas seeing his house and deciding he was a piece of trash, but so far nothing had happened. 

Cas has a knack for baking apparently, because making the pie isn’t taking nearly as long as Dean thought it would. It’s been really fun actually and Cas seems really interested in learning the recipe. They slide the pie in the oven and set the timer.

  
“Are you hungry? I can make dinner while the pie bakes,” Dean offers. Cas nods, so Dean looks through the cupboards to see what they could have for dinner. Unfortunately, John had decided to use the money for food this week on whiskey, so Dean had to buy super cheap food. The pie ingredients were something he shouldn’t have bought, but couldn’t resist. 

He finds a box of macaroni and cheese in the cupboard and pulls it out to show Cas.

“Is this okay? I’d love to make you something fancy, but it looks like this is all we have,” Dean says, his voice laced with sadness. Cas walks forward and presses a kiss to his cheek before nodding. “Awesome. I’ll start the water,” he says, grabbing a pot. 

“So, if I were to make you something more special than mac and cheese, what would you want?” Dean asks once the water is started. Cas pulls his notebook over from the other end of the table that they’re sitting at. Dean has been making him write down answers ever since they got home, not on purpose, but just because all of his questions have needed in depth answers. He just wants to know more about his angel.

**Cheeseburgers. Definitely.**

Dean laughs at Cas’s answer and gives him a curious look, asking him to explain. 

**They’re my favorite food. I wanna see how yours are made.**

“Sure thing, handsome. I will make you cheeseburgers sometime, I promise,” Dean says, leaning forward to kiss Cas’s cheek. Cas blushes and looks down at his notebook. He writes something down and turns it around for Dean. 

**What about you? If I were going to make you something, what would you want it to be?**

“Hmmm. I don’t know, I will eat anything you make,” Dean says with a smile, adding, “except salad.” Cas laughs at that and nods in acceptance. 

**Okay, no salad.**

Dean gets up and checks the pot and upon seeing that the water was finally boiling, pours in the noodles. He turns and leans against the counter and looks at Cas, who has been watching him the whole time. 

“I have an idea,” Dean says. Cas looks at him and nods, telling him to continue. “Would you wanna teach me some more sign language? Hannah taught me some, but she’s gotten really busy lately and hasn’t been able to teach me,” he explains.

Cas’s face lights up and he nods enthusiastically. Dean smiles and can’t help himself from placing a quick kiss on the tip of Cas’s nose. 

“Great, want to do that after dinner?” Dean asks, earning another excited nod from his boyfriend (he still loves the sound of that). 

***

“Okay, so like this?” Dean asks, signing back to Cas. They ate the mac and cheese quickly, stopping midway to pull the pie out of the oven. They are having a small signing lesson while they wait for it to cool. 

Cas nods, but reaches forward and fixes Dean’s hand. Cas smiles and slowly signs to Dean that his signing is beautiful. 

Dean blushes and signs ‘thank you’, earning another smile from Cas. 

“How do you sign ‘angel’?” Dean asks with a cocky smirk, knowing that Castiel will pick up on what he’s implying. It’s obvious that Cas understands from his blush, but shows Dean the sign nonetheless. “Awesome!” Dean says, signing it back. 

Cas signs something that Dean doesn’t know, so he asks him what it means in sign. Cas pulls his notebook over and scribbles something down.

**Would you like to eat the pie now?** **  
**

“Oh! Yea, sure. I’ll cut it up,” Dean says, standing up and walking over to the pie. After cutting it, he puts some on two plates and carries it over. He watches Cas take his first bite, wanting to see his reaction. Cas takes a bite and moans softly, closing his eyes. Dean can’t help himself from smirking at the sound. 

He knew Cas would like it. 

Cas looks up at Dean with wide eyes and smiles. He signs ‘good’ before taking another bite. Dean smiles and takes a bite of it himself. It’s as good as he remembers it being. He hasn’t had his mom’s recipe of pie since she was alive, but he doesn’t tell Cas that. He’s pretty sure that Cas knows his mom’s dead, but Dean’s never said anything about it. 

They eat their pie in a happy silence, each of them just enjoying the taste and being next to each other. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” Dean asks once they’re done eating. Cas nods, so they head into Dean’s small living room that has only a couch, a recliner, a television, and a small coffee table. “What movie?” he asks. Cas walks over to where there’s a small stack of movies and pulls one out. 

“ _ Die Hard _ ? Okay,” Dean says. He has no complaints, this is a good movie. They sit down on the couch right next to each other. Dean wraps his arm around Cas and pulls him against his side. Cas rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, both of them instantly relaxed.

They both fall asleep before the movie is five minutes in, each completely content and happy to be with the other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did my apple picking research, in case anyone decided that November is too late to pick apples and comment, but after some reading I found out that Granny Smith apples don't ripen until November. I never specified the type of apple, but there you go. 
> 
> This chapter was inspired by Intoxicated by The Cab. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at xxinfinitywriterxx for updates, yada yada, you know the drill. :)
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Please leave a comment if you would like, I'd love to hear what you guys think so far about the story! <3
> 
> Another huge thanks to DarkHeartInTheSky for editing this despite her being on vacation. This was absolutely amazing of her, so please go give her some love. Also, check out some of her fics because they are great!


	9. Silent Raindrops Fell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS YOUR WARNING: This chapter is the one accounting for the rape/non-con tag. Please, please, please read with caution. Also a warning for panic, violence, and homophobic slurs. 
> 
> This was a super hard chapter to write and I hope I did it justice. Enjoy.

“What’s got you so happy little bro?” Gabriel asks the next day when Castiel shows up for work. Cas shrugs, but is unable to wipe the grin off of his face ever since it showed up last night. He can’t help it. Yesterday was just perfect.

Dean was attentive, happy, and something just seemed less negative about him all together. Cas isn’t sure what changed, but he’s definitely not complaining. Dean was in such a good mood, that he even offered to let Cas drive the Impala to his house. Castiel knew Dean loved him before, but that made it clear. 

Castiel doesn’t think there is anything that could ruin his good mood today. 

He’s sure that his subconscious will find something to bring him down or give him a panic attack. It always does. 

Nonetheless, he decides to enjoy his good mood while it’s here. Working actually helps him do that; he loves the smell of the old books, the atmosphere of the little book store, and the constant quiet that lingers in the shop when there are no customers. All of those things give him the chance to think and just  _ be. _ Even Gabriel hasn’t been saying much lately. 

Today, the shop has been busier than usual. Cas blames this on how closely Christmas is approaching. He knows Thanksgiving hasn’t even passed, but he knows that some people like to get all of their shopping down in November. He doesn’t mind the steady stream of customers though, it is good business for Gabe after all. 

His phone goes off and he pulls it out of his pocket immediately, not caring if Gabe sees. 

_ (Dean): Hey angel how’s the store? _

Cas smiles at the pet name that Dean has taken to calling him. He doesn’t quite understand why ‘angel’ is appropriate, but it’s not like he minds Dean calling him that.

_ (Castiel): It’s boring without you here ;) _

_ (Dean): Castiel Novak did u just flirt with me? _

Cas’s huffs a laugh, coming out more of a breath, grabs Gabriel’s attention. Cas looks up and shrugs apologetically at his confused expression.

_ (Castiel): It’s possible… _

_ (Dean): Well now ur playin hard 2 get. _

_ (Castiel): I’ll see you tonight, right? _

_ (Dean): Shit I 4got. Sam has a football game and he wants me to go. Can we reschedule? _

Cas sighs, looking down at his phone sadly. He’d been looking forward to hanging out with Dean, even if they just saw each other the day before. But he understands, Dean has to go to Sam’s game for moral support. Castiel would never want to steal Dean away from his family. 

He does want to see him though. 

_ (Castiel): Actually, could I come? _

_ (Dean): You really wanna? _

_ (Castiel): Of course. If you want me to, that is. I’d love to see Sam play.  _

_ (Dean): That would be awesome! The game’s at the school at 6, meet me there? _

_ (Castiel): Okay :) _

_ (Dean): See you then, angel. Love you.  _

_ (Castiel): Love you too.  _

Cas slides his phone back in his pocket with a smile and looks down at the counter. He flinches when something hits him in the side of the head. He glances up and sees Gabriel smirking at him, another paper ball already in his hand. 

He glares at Gabriel, who just shrugs and tosses the paper ball at him, hitting his shoulder and falling onto the counter. Cas picks up the ball and tosses it back at Gabriel, hitting his face. Gabriel makes a wounded sound and stumbles back, falling into the counter. 

“I surrender, brother,” Gabriel gasps, sliding down to the floor. “You have wounded me.” Castiel rolls his eyes and begins pricing the books in front of him. “Whatcha grinning about?” It’s only then that Cas realizes he’s been smiling like an idiot. 

He shrugs, not in the mood to get teased by Gabriel. He knows that if Gabe finds out about Dean and him actually being a couple that he’ll never hear the end of it. 

“Fine, don’t tell me. But I will need you to stack those books when you’re finished,” Gabe says. Castiel nods, but allows the smile on his face to grow again. “Also, I need you to close up tonight. I have to leave.”

***

By the time 5:30 rolls around, Castiel is bursting with excitement for the football game. Well, more like bursting with excitement to see Dean. Yes, he just saw him yesterday, but being away from Dean for too long makes him nervous. It’s kind of like they are the same person, which doesn’t freak Castiel out at all. 

He loves Dean and there’s nothing that could change that. 

He quickly grabs his things and flips the lights off, checking throughout the store as he does. Gabriel is always a little paranoid about someone hiding behind a shelf and getting locked in there for the night, so he makes Castiel check the store every night. 

As always, there is nobody hiding behind any of the shelves.

With that taken care of, Castiel hurries out the door and locks it behind him. He shivers as the cold November air hits him and buttons his coat quickly before turning and walking towards his car. He had to park it a couple blocks away today, all of the spots near the store were taken. 

He gets about halfway to the car when he hears footsteps behind him, matching his pace. Cas speeds up a little and hears the person behind him speed up too. Before Cas knows it, he’s sprinting to the car, adrenaline pumping through his veins. 

He can hear someone running directly behind him. 

Cas gets to the car, but before he can even open the door, someone grabs him from behind and bangs his head on the top of the car so quick that he doesn’t even have a chance to scream. 

Everything instantly goes black. 

***

“Didn’t you say Castiel was coming?” Charlie asks Dean as the second quarter of the game ends. Dean glances over at her with worried eyes and nods, shifting nervously on the cold stadium seat and flinching as a raindrop slides off the edge of his umbrella. 

“Yea, he said he wanted to come,” he says. He pulls his phone out and texts Cas for the tenth time in twenty minutes. “It’s not like Cas to be late.”

“I’m sure he’ll show up,” Jo says from behind him. Dean hadn’t realized so many of his friends were going to come support Sam, but it does warm his heart that they all did. Even Ash is here, though he is a little drunk. 

It doesn’t matter. They all came anyways.

“Maybe he thought it got rained out?” she adds.

Dean nods to her, but he doesn’t feel any better. He meant what he said-- Cas is almost never late, let alone thirty minutes late. He would have at least texted to make sure it was cancelled.

Dean really has a bad feeling about this. 

_ What if he got in an accident? What if he got lost? What if he’s hurt and his phone’s dead? _

He begins dialing Cas’s number, but realizes it would be pointless. Cas hasn’t spoken to Dean yet, though after some research, Dean learned that he can still speak. The website he read said that some selective mute people will speak to people they are comfortable with and trust. He doesn’t want to push Castiel to speak to him by calling.  

“Yay Sam!” Charlie yells from beside Dean. He starts to attention and realizes that all of the sounds around him had faded into the distance. He looks out at the field and sees Sam, taller than all of the other boys, running across the field with the football in hand, his jersey soaked. 

Sam quickly advances across the field and when he is ten yards from the touchdown line, Dean and all of his friends jump up in excitement, dropping their umbrellas.

“Go Sam!” Dean shouts. “Yes!” All of Dean’s friends and him cheer louder than anyone else in the stadium as Sam crosses the touchdown line without being tackled. 

It’s enough excitement that Dean doesn’t worry about Cas for a full two minutes. 

***

The first thing Cas notices is how dark it is wherever he wakes up. He can’t see a foot in front of his face and he can hear the sound of an engine, so he assumes he’s in the back of someone’s car. There are raindrops pinging off of the car, giving him another clue. 

The second is how hot and heavy the air is in here, which must mean there’s no ventilation. It’s already hard to breathe.

The car hits a bump, sending him up into the door of the trunk. He grunts as he hits the bottom again, his head banging against something hard beside him. 

He tries to move his hand to his back pocket, where he knows his phone is, but his hands are tied by some type of rope that rubs uncomfortably against his wrists. He notices that his ankles are tied together too. 

_ This is not good. This is really not good. _

He feels his panic rising, for good reason, and tries to get himself to breath. Having a panic attack right now would not help anything. He focuses for a second on breathing in, each breath slightly less shaky, and thinks of things that make him happy. 

_ Reading.  _

_ Music. _

_ My trench coat.  _

_ Gabriel.  _

_ Hannah.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Hamburgers.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Singing.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Playing guitar. _

_ Dean. _

The car stops suddenly, tossing Cas forward into the side of the car forcefully. He moans this time, landing on his wrist at a funny angle. The engine stops and Cas hears a car door slam shut. Loud footsteps walk around the car and stop behind the trunk.

Cas’s throat closes around the next inhale of breath. He hears a key slide into the lock on the trunk and feels himself begin to shake. 

_ No, no. You need to calm down. Calm down!  _

The door opens and a bright light momentarily blinds Castiel as rain hits his face. He blinks, trying to get his eyesight back. He hears a nasally laugh that sends shivers down his spine as his vision returns. 

“Hello there Castiel.”

Alastair comes into view and Cas’s stomach drops. Alastair laughs again and grabs Cas’s arms, pulling him out of the trunk and allowing him to fall hard onto the wet ground. Cas attempts to catch himself, but his his arms tied, he falls on his side. 

“Nice of you to, should I say, drop by,” Alastair snickers, his voice cold and nasally. Alastair grabs Cas’s arms again and pulls him up so he’s sitting, having trouble because of Cas’s struggling. “Where’s your little boyfriend, huh?” Alastair goes behind Cas’s back, kicking Cas in the side when he tried to turn his head to follow him. 

The rain is coming down hard and Castiel is almost immediately soaked through.

All of the sudden everything goes dark again as something is placed over his eyes and tied at the back of his head.

_ This is really not good. Not again. Please, not again.  _

“Okay, you can come on out now,” Alastair says, his hand on Cas’s back. He tries squirming away from him, his hair getting pulled in retaliation. “Now Castiel, wouldn’t want to make this difficult, would we?”

Castiel hears another set of footsteps come around, sloshing on the wet grass, and begins to panic even more. 

_ No, no, no, no, please. Please, not again.  _

“Get his legs,” Alastair says, the other person remaining silent. Cas’s legs are immediately grabbed. He tries to kick, his hips bucking as he attempts to get the hands off of him. He makes a loud grunt a someone punches him straight in the nose, a flow of sticky blood running down Cas’s face and into his mouth. 

Alastair puts his hands under his arms and then he’s being lifted. He continues to struggle, kicking his legs and swinging his hips. The men almost lose grip a few times, the rain making him slightly slippery. 

“You’re a lot heavier than you look,” a familiar voice says from Cas’s feet. Alastair laughs at that. 

Eventually they reach wherever Alastair wants them to be and the men drop Cas in a puddle of mud, knocking the wind out of him and causing another loud grunt to erupt from the back of his throat. 

Cas feels someone tugging at his belt. 

_ No, please. _

He hears a zipper and begins to squirm, attempting to get away. Alastair just chuckles as his pants get tugged down, exposing his legs to the wet and cold ground. Castiel can feel tears streaming down his face as he tries to scream, his voice hoarse and nearly nonexistent from disuse.

“Castiel, are you going to beg for us to stop?” Alastair teases. Castiel sobs, attempting to scream again. All that comes out is a strange hissing sound and a slight moan. 

_ Stop please. Please don’t.  _

Someone flips Castiel onto his stomach, pushing his face into the wet dirt. He chokes on it and coughs, unable to get his breath. He can feel himself trembling violently, the ropes on his wrists rubbing painfully. 

_ You have to speak. You have to stop them or it’s going to happen again,  _ a voice in his head says, sounding very much like Dean. 

“Stop,” he whispers. 

“He speaks!” Alastair laughs, straddling Cas’s back. Cas throws up at the feeling of skin on skin, but it goes without comment. 

_ It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. _

_ Reading.  _

_ Music. _

_ My trench coat.  _

_ Gabriel.  _

_ Hannah.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Hamburgers.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Singing. _

_ Dean.  _

_ Playing guitar. _

_ Dean. _

“So, answer the question Castiel. You going to beg?” Cas sobs again, his body shaking violently. He weakly attempts to buck Alastair off, but he’s too heavy. Alastair grinds down painfully on his back. 

“Stop, get off of me,” Cas says, his voice still just a whisper. 

“Don’t be that way. You like dick, right? You should enjoy this” the familiar voice says. 

_ It’s going to be okay.  _

Alastair laughs. “And what if I don’t stop?” he asks, ignoring the other person. Something sticky slides against Cas’s back. He flinches and sobs again, terrified, knowing what is happening. “What are you gonna do, fag?”

There’s nothing he can do. He realizes how screwed he is. It’s not even just Alastair, there’s another person here. Cas has absolutely no chance of getting out of this, none. He shouts, but a hand wraps around his face and covers his mouth. 

_ It’ll be okay. _

“Ah ah ah, none of that,” Alastair scolds, leaning forward and pressing himself against Cas’s back, pinning him down. The other faceless person laughs evilly as Cas gags, his stomach already emptied. 

_ Stop. Stop, please stop. No, no, no, no.  _

_ It’s going to be okay. _

Alastair moans in Cas’s ear, causing another sob to erupt form Cas. The hand covering his mouth moves to his neck and is joined by another. Both of them tighten, cutting off Cas’s air supply. He gasps, his struggle ramping up as he panics even more. 

_ It’s okay. It’ll be okay.  _

_ Reading.  _

_ Music. _

_ My trench coat.  _

_ Gabriel.  _

_ Hannah.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Hamburgers.  _

_ Dean.  _

_ Singing. _

_ Dean.  _

_ Playing guitar. _

_ Dean. _

Alastair makes a sickening moan as the hands around his throat disappear. One of them pushes underneath Cas and grabs him, pulling a few times. He sobs again, dirt getting in his mouth, again. With another moan, something disgustingly sticky soaks through his shirt, a gross contrast to the rain water.  

_ Everything’s going to be okay. _

“You wanna give it a go, Azazel?” Alastair laughs, presumably to the stranger as he climbs off of Castiel. 

“Definitely.”

***

Dean checks his phone for the thousandth time that night. Cas hadn’t shown up to the game at all. Each quarter that passed without any word from him just made Dean angrier and angrier. 

Cas had been the one who said he’d wanted to come. Why the hell would he stand Dean up like this? 

When Dean gets home, he goes straight to his room-- he is not in the mood to fight with John tonight. Odds are, Dean would fight back, something he doesn’t want to do. 

He just can’t believe that after the awesome date they had yesterday, Cas would stand him up. 

_ What the fuck happened? _

All of Dean’s friends had been apologetic, telling him that they’re sure it was just a mix up. Dean knew better. He and Cas had literally just talked about the game a few hours before and Cas never forgets things. No, he definitely knew what he was doing when he decided not to go. 

_ Did I say something? Is this him breaking up with me? It’s going to happen eventually, might as well be now.  _

Dean texts Cas again, every single one getting angrier. He’s started to just tell Cas off, saying things like “if you don’t answer right now, I’m coming to your house” and “I swear to God Cas if you stood me up, we are done”.

He doesn’t mean that, but it sounds good in his head. 

He checks the time-- 11:30. Why hasn’t Cas explained why he didn’t show up yet? 

_ You think you know someone and then they fucking stand you up.  _

Dean knows that’s unfair, and in the back of his mind he’s still worried. What if something did happen and he just doesn’t know about it? 

He still has a bad feeling about the whole thing.

He decides to go to sleep and just find Cas in the morning. No point in losing precious sleep worrying or being angry about something that may not have even happened. Maybe his friends were right-- maybe Cas just got the date mixed up or something. 

It takes a while, but eventually he does drift off to the sound of rain hitting his window. 

*** 

The sound of his phone ringing scares him awake. He groans and rolls over, pulling his cell off of his nightstand, annoyed. Cold air hits his arm where the blanket falls down, making him shiver. He looks at the caller I.D. and rolls his eyes-- it’s Cas. 

“Fuckin’ finally,” he mutters before answering. The fact that Cas is calling him doesn’t even register in his mind until he hears him breathing heavily on the other end, a slight wheezing sound accompanying his exhales.

He immediately isn’t angry as concern floods him.

“Cas? Baby, what’s wrong?” he asks, his worry evident in his voice. Obviously Cas has never called him. Unless it’s a butt dial, something has to be very wrong. 

A sob comes through the speaker, breaking Dean’s heart. 

_ Why the fuck is he crying? Who the hell did this? What happened!? _

“Dean,” Cas says, his voice deep and broken. “I need help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp. I hope you liked it. It does get better, I promise. I'm sorry. 
> 
> Well, not for the cliffhanger. Never for the cliffhanger.
> 
> The song for this chapter is Demons by Imagine Dragons. 
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr at xxinfinitywriterxx. 
> 
> Thanks to DarkHeartInTheSky for beta-ing this chapter for me and helping me work out some kinks/giving me motivation for this chapter. It was a really hard one to write for you guys. <3
> 
> Please leave a comment letting me know what you thought! It really helps me understand if you guys are enjoying the story thus far.


	10. Hear My Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this next chapter! Thanks to DarkHeartInTheSky for beta-ing yet again, it really helps me out.  
> Sorry that this chapter took so long to get up and is as short as it is, but school started for me this week and I didn't feel well for the past two days, so writing was not an easy task. I had been hoping it would be longer, but the place where I cut it off was the best place to for a while, so...

Everyone has at least one event in their life that can only be categorized as an ‘out of body experience’. For Dean, this is it. 

In fact, as he drives the car down the empty street at three o’clock in the morning, the sun starting to rise, he doesn’t feel much of anything. That is, except for the adrenaline rushing through his body, making him practically vibrate in the seat. It’s a strange sensation; he feels his worry and dread like a massive weight in his stomach, but at the same time it feels like he’s floating.  

He can’t quite hear anything, but everything is loud. His eyes don’t focus on anything, yet he feels like he can see everything. His hands shake where he grips the wheel with white knuckles and he just can’t relax.

_ This is a nightmare. This can’t be real. Wake up. Wake the hell up, Dean.  _

It’s reminiscent of the night his mom died: the panic and worry. He was just as scared for her then as he is for Cas now. 

He urges the Impala faster, determined to get to Cas as quick as he physically can, regardless of this being a dream or not. He’s going seventy miles per hour on a forty mile per hour road, but he can’t bring himself to give a single fuck. 

Cas hadn’t told Dean what happened. Dean, of course, asked over and over what happened, but all Cas told him was that he needed help and where he was. He blatantly ignored Dean’s question over and over, breaking into sobs and making Dean feel helpless. There was nothing he could say to stop the tears. So Dean stopped asking. 

Hearing Cas speak for the first time was amazing, even if the circumstance is terrible. His voice is lower than Dean had imagined. It’s also rough and gravelly, something that Dean had not heard when Cas had been singing. And Dean knows that if the circumstances were different, Cas’s voice would sound like pure sex to him. 

“Cas? I’m almost there angel, it’s going to be okay,” Dean says as calmly as he can. He told Cas to stay where he was and stay on the phone. He’s not sure how he was doing it, but his voice is maintaining a calm tone-- totally the opposite of how he is acting and feeling. 

He just knows that he has to keep Cas calm and awake until he gets there, wherever ‘there’ is. 

Dean pulls into the parking lot that Cas had described being taken to and sprints into the woods like someone just shot him out of a gun.

“Cas?” Dean shouts, pulling the phone from his mouth. He shouts again before pulling it up to his ear again. “Can you hear me shouting?” he asks. He yells again for good measure, walking further into the woods.

“Yes,” Cas says quietly, his voice sounding weak. 

Dean keeps shouting, walking slowly through the woods and having Cas tell him if he’s louder or softer the whole time. It’s slow work and from the sound of Cas’s voice, he obviously is having a hard time staying awake. 

_ Oh God, shit.   _

After about twenty minutes of running, Dean spots a dark lump against a tree and stops, breathing erratically. 

“Oh fuck, Cas!” he shouts, sprinting towards the form, breathlessness forgotten. Sure enough, it’s Cas. 

Dean reaches him and puts his hands gently on either side of Cas’s face, turning his head and gasps. 

“Oh angel, what--?”

Cas’s nose is broken, causing a line of dried blood down his mouth and chin. He’s caked in mud-- his hair is matted with it and blood. His eyes are red and bloodshot from crying, though they’re barely open. There are dark bruises on his neck, making it look like he’s been strangled. 

The thought makes Dean feel sick. 

And there’s the fact that Cas’s pants are around his ankles. 

“Oh shit-- what the fuck?”

There are red scrapes all down his legs, caused from twigs and rocks on the ground. Dark bruises in the shape of finger tips cover his thighs, hinting that he was held down. His button down work-shirt is ripped open, various buttons missing. 

_ No, no no no no no. How could this happen? _

Dean really thinks he’s going to be sick. 

“Oh Cas, baby,” Dean says, tears falling down his face. Cas weakly lifts his arms, reaching for Dean, who grabs him and cradles him to his chest. “Cas, shhh, Cas I’ve got you,” Dean hugs Cas tighter, Cas’s sobs shaking both of them. He slides his hand through Cas’s knotted hair and feels Cas’s arm snake around him. “It’s alright. It’s going to be okay.”

Dean puts an arm under Cas’s bare knees, leaving his pants pulled down because he’s not sure of an easy way to pull them up. He leans Cas against his chest and stands up without much struggle, the adrenaline pumping through his veins making him feel strong and tired simultaneously. Cas moans, twisting his hands into Dean’s shirt and pushing his head into his neck, looking for warmth. Dean can feel him shivering violently and it makes him break out into a quick jog. 

_ This is all my fault. _

“I’ve got you angel, it’s okay,” Dean says, his voice broken with tears. Cas sobs again, making Dean feel the need to pull him even tighter against his side as he runs. When he gets to the car, he opens the passenger side door and sits Cas down as gently as he can. He shrugs off his leather jacket and drapes it over Cas’s lap. He runs quickly around the car and slides in the driver’s seat, starting the engine before pulling Cas against his side again.

Dean can still feel Cas shivering, so he reaches over and turns the heaters on full blast. 

“It’s gonna be okay. It’ll be okay. I love you,” Dean says, tears still falling down his face, before he whispers, “I’m sorry, this is all my fault. I’m sorry.” Cas shakes his head minutely from where it rests on Dean’s shoulder, a small whimper escaping as he does. 

***

He opens the door as quietly as he can with Cas leaning heavily on him, moaning softly with every step Dean leads him to take. Every breath Cas takes brings a wheezing sound, which causes more concern on Dean’s part. 

Dean had wanted to take him to the hospital, not sure how to take care of Cas, but when he mentioned it Cas made a low groan and shook his head slightly. Dean wanted to protest, but he figured Cas would have a hard time defending himself.

He did tell Cas, no room for argument in his voice, that he would call an ambulance if Cas didn’t start getting better by the next morning. 

Dean quietly guides Cas through the living room, his eyes growing wide at the sight of John passed out in the recliner with an empty bottle of whiskey in his limp hand. His father had been at the bar until two in the morning and came home to have more to drink when the bartender cut him off. 

They get halfway through the room when Dean has to surge forward to catch a falling Cas. He knew he should’ve just carried him like before, but Cas had insisted, as much as he could at the time, that he could walk by himself. 

Cas moans as Dean’s hands wrap around to his bare chest, attempting to hold him upright. Dean hears John snuffle in his sleep and pauses, making sure the man is still passed out.

“Shhh, I know angel, we’re almost there,” Dean says quietly into his ear before snaking an arm under Cas’s to support his weight on his shoulder. He glances back over at John, finding him still snoring, some drool running down his chin. 

Yea, he’s going to be out for a while. 

Dean moves forward slowly, one hand still resting on Cas’s chest and the other wrapped around his back, lifting up as much weight as possible. 

They reach Dean’s room at the end of the hallway five long minutes later, Dean practically dragging Cas the whole way. He’s stopped shivering, but feels extremely cold to the touch, worrying Dean further.

He briefly thinks that he read somewhere that if someone with hypothermia stopped shivering, it was a severe case. 

Huh.

_ This is bad. How could I let this happen? _

“It’s going to be okay. I’m just gonna try and warm ya up,” Dean says, pulling off Cas’s wet shirt and jeans, leaving him completely bare, the shirt Dean draped over him left in the Impala. Dean chokes back a sob at the state of Cas’s body, which looks even worse in the soft yellow light coming from the ceiling fan, which exposes more bruises on his torso and shows how his whole body is a blue color. 

_ Oh god, oh god. I’m going to murder whoever- no. Now is not the time. Blankets, he needs blankets. _

Dean takes three long strides across the room to his closet, pulling all of the extra blankets he owns from it. He grabs a pair of thick sweatpants and a sweatshirt from his dresser as well, moving back to Cas to make quick work of redressing him. He grabs a pair of socks on second thought, sliding them onto Cas’s freezing feet. 

He gently guides a nearly-sleeping Cas to lay down on his back before piling six blankets on top of him. 

“Dean?” 

Dean jerks around, adrenaline surging through his veins, meeting Sam’s wide eyes. Sam walks in the room and shuts the door behind him-- something Dean forgot to do in his panic. 

“Dean? What happened?” Sam whispers, minding their sleeping father, as he stands frozen in front of the door. Dean turns back to Cas, who drifted to sleep in seconds, and looks back over his shoulder to Sam with wide eyes. 

“I don’t know,” he answers, voice broken. Sam takes a hesitant step forward, his eyes wide and worried. “He called me and said he needed help. I found him in the woods,” Dean says, brushing a sweaty piece of hair off of Cas’s head. Cas has started to shiver harshly again, which Dean takes as a good sign. 

“He called you and spoke?” Sam asks, his voice surprised. Dean nods, sending Sam’s eyebrows up to his hairline. “What do we do?” 

“I don’t fuckin’ know,” Dean repeats, voice growing more erratic, before climbing over Cas carefully. He lies down on his side next to Cas and wraps a gentle arm around his shivering body. 

“Dean, we should take him to the hospital,” Sam says, his voice getting a little louder. Dean shakes his head shortly and leans down to place a soft kiss to Cas’s cheek, hovering over his face. He brushes a soft hand across Cas’s forehead, looking down sadly at him. “He really should be there though.”

“No. He hates hospitals,” Dean says, his voice calm once again. “It’ll be okay. I’ll take care of ‘im. He’s going to be okay. You can go.” 

“Dean, are you sure-”

“Sammy, I said go,” Dean says, his voice unnaturally patient. 

Sam nods hesitantly and looks at Dean with uncertainty, but nonetheless leaves the room, leaving Dean to curl up against Cas’s side, trying to warm him with his own heat. 

“It’s going to be okay.”

***

The weight of something heavy landing wakes Dean up with a jolt. His eyes fly open and land on Cas, who was in the process of pushing the pile of blankets off of himself deliriously. Cas is thrashing around in a panic-- his eyes are open wide, but not looking anywhere specific, he’s making small whimpers, and he’s gasping for air like he just ran a marathon. 

“Cas, it’s okay,” Dean says quietly, wrapping an arm around Cas to try and hold him still. “It’s okay, I’ve got you. You’re alright,” he whispers. He snakes his other arm around Cas, who’s sitting up, and hugs him tightly from where he’s laying down. 

“Dean?” Cas asks after a moment, his voice still hoarse. Dean knows it’s not the time, but the sound of Cas saying his name for the first time makes him feel warm. Cas’s eyes finally focus on Dean and he breathes a sigh of relief, as if he hadn’t known where he was before. His body goes limp and Dean pulls him against his side. “You found me.” 

“‘Course I did. I’ll always find you,” Dean says, a little shocked that Cas is still talking. He had assumed that Cas would have stopped once he was out of danger, but apparently not. 

Dean presses a hand to Cas’s forehead, relieved that he’s no longer cold to the touch. He’s not shivering anymore, which Dean thinks is a good sign now that he’s warmer. He slides his hand down to cup Cas’s cheek and leans down to press their foreheads together. He feels a tear run down his cheek, leaving a trail. 

He gently pulls Cas down so he’s laying on top of Dean’s chest, their arms still wrapped around each other. Dean can’t help but find comfort in the embrace Cas has him in. It’s warm and cozy-- it’s home. 

“What happened?” he whispers, voice cracking with the weight of the words, which hang in the air for a moment. Cas doesn’t make a move to answer them and Dean doesn’t push. He can feel Cas open his mouth and take a breath, as if to talk, then close it again. Dean worries that he’s gone mute again, that he’ll never hear Cas say his name ever again.

He mentally scolds himself for being selfish.

“A few years ago, I-- I was raped,” Cas says matter-of-factly after twenty of minutes of laying in silence, their breaths the only sounds in the room. Dean stills his hand, which had been subconsciously smoothing over Cas’s arm. “It was three years ago when we lived in Chicago, actually. I had to walk home from school that day because Micheal, my oldest brother, couldn’t come get me. I decided that instead of going the short way, I would walk the long way through town.”

“It wasn’t the best neighborhood, but I didn’t think anything about it,” Cas pauses after his voice breaks, then takes a deep breath before continuing with a shaky voice, “I was stupid. I shouldn’t have gone that way. I passed someone people-- my father’s old acquaintances, who were upset with him for one reason or another.”

Dean’s hand folds into a fist out of instinct and he wills himself to relax. 

“They didn’t know who I was at first, but one of them recognized me a few seconds after we passed each other. They then proceeded to follow me down the street. They grabbed me and pulled me into a little alleyway next to a bar, where nobody would find us.” Cas’s eyes are wet now from silent tears that run down his face, landing in his hair. 

“Then they, they--,” he cuts off, breathing deeply. “When it was over they told me not to tell anyone, to keep my mouth shut. So I stopped talking.” Cas finishes, his eyes shut tightly. Dean can feel anger boiling under the surface of his skin, threatening to make him explode. It’s a strange contrast with the tears running down his face once again.

“Cas,” Dean whispers, unsure of what to say. He’s really hoping that story has no ties to what happened tonight or he thinks he’ll commit murder. He feels like a huge hole was just created in the bottom of his stomach and thinks he might get sick. 

“It was Alastair and Azazel,” Cas whispers, Dean’s gasp cutting through the room like a knife. He barely hears the words and hopes he heard them wrong.

He knows he didn’t.

“I’m sorry Dean,” Cas cries, turning to bury his face in Dean’s neck. Dean can feel tears on his skin where Cas’s face is and he feels his heart hurt. 

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about. This is not your fault, it’s theirs and I’m going to kill them,” Dean growls, wrapping his arms around Cas and hugging him tightly. Cas shakes his head insistently, but doesn’t move to get away. Tremors wrack through Cas’s body and his hands twist into Dean’s shirt. “Oh angel,” Dean murmurs before a sob escapes him. 

_ I couldn’t protect him. I can’t protect anyone.  _

***

“You have to do something, baby. They can’t get away with this,” Dean says a few minutes later, after they both have calmed down slightly. Cas pushes himself into Dean, his silence saying more than his words would. “Cas, they can’t.” 

They sit in silence for a few long moments, their breaths the only sounds in the room.

“What do you want me to do, Dean? Tell the whole world so everyone can judge me? There’s a reason I went silent in the first place,” Castiel says, no heat behind the words, making them sound scared instead of angry. Dean pulls back slightly to look him in the eye. 

“Yes. I want ya to tell everyone, every damn person, what those sons of bitches did to you-- including the ones in Chicago,” Dean says, his words containing enough anger for the both of them. “‘Cause nobody is gonna judge you. No person in their right mind will blame you for what those fuckers did.”

_ ‘I won’t let them _ ,’ hangs in the air, not needing to be said. 

Cas goes quiet again, just leaning into Dean once more. He opens his mouth to say something else a couple of time, but closes it again before any words come out.

“I love ya, Cas. I just want them to pay for hurtin’ you. I shoulda been there,” Dean says finally, guilt seeping in his voice. He feels tears welling up behind his eyes again and wills them away-- he’s cried enough today. He tilts his head down and places a soft kiss to the top of Cas’s head. 

“I love you too,” Cas whispers, tightening his hold around Dean’s middle like he’s the only thing keeping him grounded. “I’m just so scared,” he says even quieter. 

“I know angel, I know,” Dean says just as quietly. “I’ll be here, right next to you. Always.” he looks down at where Cas is wrapped around him and feels himself melt. He means it. He’s not going to leave Cas, ever. 

“I won’t let anything happen to you.”

He means the words so much that it should scare him, but they have the complete opposite effect. He takes comfort in them-- he finally has something besides Sam to live for. Something good and pure, and he’s sure as hell not going to let it go. 

He’ll protect it with everything he has, no matter what the cost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment, if you feel the need, and let me know how you're liking the story so far! Your comments are super important to me-- I love hearing what you're thinking about the story and your reactions to things that are happening. They always make my day and I love hearing from you guys. 
> 
> This chapter was inspired (VERY loosely) by the song Stitches by Shawn Mendes. 
> 
> Have an awesome week you guys. <3


	11. Restless Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, I am back! I am so so so sorry for the wait, but the past few weeks have been hectic. School was kicking my ass and just a whole bunch of other crap that kept me from writing. But, I'm inspired and plan on getting back to a regular schedule of posting. Not promising that it will be EVERY week, but that is the goal. 
> 
> So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy this next chapter! :)

“I know angel, but you’ve got to do this. Remember, we decided it this morning?” Dean says gently as he attempts to coax Cas out of the Impala and into the police station. “You can’t let these asses get away with what they did and this is your best option, well besides me going and ripping their lungs--”

He cuts off when Castiel’s shoulders slump. Cas had been doing so well this morning, but they hadn’t brought up what had happened the night before. All Dean could focus on was how nice it was to wake up with Cas wrapped in his arms. 

Dean reaches his hand out and rests it on Cas’s shoulder, trying to offer as much support as he can. Cas leans in to the touch slightly, but the small movement is enough to warm Dean from the inside out. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Dean asks quietly. “I could just be there for moral support.”

“No, I need to do this on my own,” Cas answers tiredly, his words not unkind. Dean still can’t believe that Cas is talking, but he’s not going to complain or bring it up. If for some reason, Cas is over his mutism because of what happened last night, Dean will take it. He wishes that it didn’t have to take  _ that  _ for Cas to recover, but he’s happy nonetheless that he did. 

Dean takes no offense to being told he’s not wanted at the station, knowing exactly what Cas means. He’s also not sure that he could listen to Cas repeat the story or even sit in the waiting room while Castiel is by himself in a room with a cop. He’d probably get to angry and lose the cool he’s been desperately trying to keep. 

He thinks he’s been doing a good job so far of keeping his anger under control. He’s not lashed out, not that he would ever do that to Cas, but he has kept himself as calm as he can be. But, inside, it’s like a hurricane ripping through him. He wants to kill those bastards dead-- slow and painful while he listens to their screams.

_ God do I want to make them pay. _

But, he won’t. 

Not just for Cas’s sake, but for his own too. He doesn’t think two hideous murders would help make his reputation of being ‘trouble’ any better. 

He scoots closer to Cas on the seat and wraps an arm around him to give him an awkward half-hug. If he’s being honest, he’s kind of out of his element here. In his family, they like to fight first and ask questions later-- meaning, if it were up to him, he’d be searching for Alastair and Azazel right now so he could bash their skulls in. Then he’d go to the po- actually, no he wouldn’t. He can’t even lie to himself about that. 

Cas turns into him and buries his face in Dean’s neck, allowing Dean to wrap his arms around him fully. Cas’s fingers twist into the back of Dean’s leather jacket and he holds on like it’s an anchor. Dean can’t blame him, he’d probably be doing the same thing if he were in Cas’s position. 

He can’t even imagine what Castiel went through. 

Sure, Cas had sort of explained what happened, and it’s not like Dean couldn’t connect the dots, but the idea of something like that happening is unthinkable. Dean doesn’t know how he would react, but he’s pretty damn sure that Cas has been holding it together better than he could. 

It’s just another piece of evidence showing Dean how fucking  _ strong _ Castiel is. Dean knew he was a badass, but now he has proof. Cas has had to handle a ton of shit in his short life, but he hasn’t broken. He didn’t let what happened last night break him and Dean has major respect for him because of it, among other things. 

Dean tilts his head down, a silent request for Cas to look at him. Once Cas’s blue eyes meet his, he closes the space between them gently and kisses Cas softly. Of course, he doesn’t deepen it or make it anything more than a chaste, closed-mouthed kiss. 

Cas nods after Dean pulls away, as if he’s decided something in his mind, before pulling out of Dean’s arms and grabbing the door handle. He looks back at Dean and pauses, just looking at him for a moment. 

Dean holds up his hand in the ‘I-Love-You’ sign and the corners of Castiel’s mouth twitch up. 

“I love you too,” he says, sending a quick bolt of electricity through Dean-- it’s only the second time he’s gotten to hear it from Cas and last night he was too worried to appreciate how it sounds rolling off of Cas’s tongue. 

Castiel pushes the door open after one more shared glance between the two. He climbs out gracefully before gently closing the door again. He walks up the steps to the police station without looking back.

Dean has to force himself to drive away instead of following him in.

***

Talking to the police and repeating, in excruciating detail, what happened last night was hell on Earth for Castiel. He barely made it through without having a panic attack, and he’s surprised he managed to keep it together. He thought that going without Dean would be harder, not that he would tell Dean that, but it was actually easier. He’s not sure Dean would have been able to listen to everything. 

Cas hadn’t exactly told him everything, though he’s sure that Dean could put it all together. 

The look of relief on Dean’s face when Castiel walks out of the police station not in tears is priceless. It hasn’t been that long since he dropped Cas off, maybe two hours at the most, but he looks as if he hasn’t seen Cas in weeks. It’s endearing how worried he is about everything. 

Not that any normal person wouldn’t be worried. Castiel knows that Dean is merely reacting as anybody would, but that fact doesn’t damper the warmth that he has from knowing how much Dean cares about him. 

He cares about Dean too, more than he’s ever cared for someone in his life. If something happened to him-- Cas doesn’t even know what he’d do. 

After last night, it’s been easier to talk to people. Yea, that’s fucked up and Cas knows it, but for some reason he doesn’t feel the need to be silent anymore. He’s still struggling-- talking to the police was very difficult and at times he slipped back into mutism. But, after thinking of Dean and his encouraging words he’d be sure to have, Cas was able to continue speaking. 

It shouldn’t make sense. The fact that the event that caused him to go mute was repeated should have made it worse, but it feels like now Castiel  _ has _ to speak up. Like, if he doesn’t, this would keep happening. 

Of course, that revelation did nothing to calm his anxiety. 

“Cas,” Dean breathes as he rushes forward to catch Cas in a bear hug. Cas can tell he’s purposely keeping his arms loose, probably to prevent freaking him out, but Castiel needs to be held. Cas tightens his arms and buries his face in Dean’s neck, hoping that he’ll get the message.

Of course, he does, and tightens his arms immediately. 

“It went that well, huh?” Dean whispers in his ear. The two are completely unaware that they are still standing on the sidewalk in front of the police station, not that they’d care if they remembered anyways. 

“No, it went okay. I just missed you,” Cas says into Dean’s neck, muffling the sound. Dean runs a hand through Cas’s hair at the back of his head and pulls him impossibly closer. 

“It’s okay. It’s over now. You did so good, sweetheart,” Dean murmurs. “Now, I have a surprise for ya, if you’re up for it.” 

Cas leans back to look Dean in the eye, curiosity taking over from some of his nervousness. He’s thankful that Dean doesn’t pry for more answers about what happened at the station-- Cas isn’t quite ready to relive it yet. 

“Well that sounds interesting. I guess I’m up for it.” A mischievous glint takes place in Dean’s eyes as he leads Cas to the Impala. “What does this surprise include?” Cas asks once they are seated comfortably in the car and cruising down a country road. 

“If I told you it wouldn’t be a surprise,” Dean answers back. His fingers tap in time, almost nervously, to the music playing softly in the background. Cas isn’t sure what he’s nervous about, he’s sure he’ll like whatever Dean has planned. 

He reaches over and rests what he hopes is a comforting hand on Dean’s thigh.  Dean takes one hand off the wheel to lace their fingers together and Cas sees a small smile grace over Dean’s lips.  It helps calm the anxiety buzzing under his skin that’s been growing quickly ever since he talked to the police. 

He thinks the worst part of the whole thing was having to explain what happened in the woods. He hasn’t even explained to Dean the whole things, but they made him basically spell it out. And, they made him show the rope burns on his wrists and ankles and the bruises all over his body. 

The ones shaped like fingerprints were inspected closely, and he had to tell them what exactly they were from. 

The car hits a bump and Cas’s seatbelt tightens around his chest. It knocks the wind out of him, leaving him gasping for air that he can’t seem get, even after they’ve driven for a couple of minutes. He blinks, but is unable to open his eyes again as images of a dark, claustrophobic space fill his vision. 

The sounds of a car motor and blood pounding through his ears make the words Dean is saying sound like they’re being said underwater. A weight leaves his hand and he searches for it frantically. Without it, he feels like he’s falling. Without he feels trapped and alone.

He feels like he’s in the trunk of a car again. 

“Please, no,” he gasps as he hears the slam of a door. He knows Alastair is coming to get him and he struggles against the ropes holding him down. It’s going to happen again. 

_ Oh God, please don’t let this happen again. Please no.  _

He feels the ropes around his torso suddenly disappear, sliding over his shoulder strangely. 

_ Weird, I didn’t feel anyone cut them. Not that Alastair would. _

Two seemingly gentle hands cup his face and he hears someone talking to him, but his eyes won’t focus on anything. It’s strange, he doesn’t think Alastair would be so comforting and calm. Someone pulls him up and he feels a cold breeze blow across his face as he’s sat on the hard ground, leaning up against something cold and hard. Alastair’s pulled him out of the trunk, he knows it. 

“No!” Cas shouts, pushing weakly on the person’s shoulders. It’s a feeble attempt that he knows won’t accomplish anything. 

“Castiel! Cas, what’s going on? Cas, calm down, please,” he hears a familiar voice shout at him. It’s not Alastair’s voice. 

_ Who is that? I feel like I’ve heard it before.  _

“No, please don’t do this. Not again, please not again,” Cas says, attempting to lift his hands and push the person away again, but only managing to grab their shirt and twist his fingers into the soft cloth. The texture is familiar too, as is the smell of leather and cigarette smoke surrounding him. 

That’s not Alastair’s smell. It smells like--

“Dean?” Cas gasps, his eyes finally focusing on worried green eyes hovering directly in front of him. He pulls forward on Dean’s shirt and pushes his head into the soft fabric on Dean’s chest. Cas gasps again and finally gets a breath. He notices that his cheeks are wet and their are quiet whimpers sounding in the back of his throat. 

“Cas, sweetheart are you okay?” Dean asks, his voice cracking around his worry. Strong arms wrap around Cas’s back and hold him close, like they’re trying to keep him from breaking into a million pieces. Cas takes a shaky breath and nods against Dean’s chest. “Cas, you don’t seem okay.”

“I’m fine-- now. I’m okay,” he whispers, voice muffled against Dean’s shirt. Dean shakes his head and pushes his nose into Cas’s hair while pulling Cas closer to him. One hand rests on the back of Cas’s neck and the other arm wraps across his back to his waist, like Dean’s shielding him with his arms. 

“You scared the shit out of me,” Dean breathes. “That was one hell of a panic attack. How about we just get you home so you can relax,” he says, already starting to stand up.

“No, I want to see your surprise,” Cas whispers, pulling Dean down against him again. Dean looks at Cas for a long time, his breathing uneven, before he answers.

“Cas, we can do it another time. I really think you need to relax and try to rest,” he says. Castiel shakes his head, sliding a hand up to cup Dean’s cheek. He rests their foreheads together, keeping eye contact as he does.

“Please. I need this. I wanna see what you have planned,” Cas whispers. “Please Dean.” 

Dean continues to look at Cas in silence for a long moment, but eventually nods. 

“Okay.”

***

It only takes a few minutes more to get where Dean planned, which turns out to be a small park on the outskirts of town. 

It’s mostly empty-- no children playing on the playground, nobody walking around the track surrounding the park. The only person is a man in a red sweater flying a kite. It’s completely peaceful. 

The park is surrounded by tall trees whose leaves are falling off in preparation for the impending winter. Castiel looks around at the flower beds full of brightly colored mums and can’t help the small smile that flits over his face. 

“It’s beautiful here,” Cas whispers as they get out of the Impala, not wanting to disturb the peaceful silence that the park has. Dean looks over and smiles in answer as he laces his fingers through Cas’s. 

“That it is. I like to come here sometimes, when I need a break from life. It’s very calming,” Dean says, his voice just as quiet as Cas’s. He opens the trunk and pulls out a wicker basket with a red checked blanket sticking out. 

Dean turns to look at Cas and winks before leading him through the park. He stops under a tree that has a perfect view of the rest of the park. He hands the basket to Castiel and pulls out the blanket to spread out on the ground. 

“This is nice, Dean,” Cas says once they are sat down next to each other, their shoulders brushing on every breath. Dean looks away and a blush rises up his face all the way to the tips of his ears. Cas smiles softly and brushes a hand through Dean’s hair. Dean turns to look at him once again and leans forward to place a soft kiss on Cas’s cheek. 

“I’m glad you like it. I was a little nervous,” Dean says, opening the picnic basket and pulling out two sandwiches wrapped in saran wrap. He hands one to Cas, who unwraps it slowly, and leans back to eat his. 

“I do. It’s exactly what I needed today,” Cas says around a bite of his food. 

“I’d hoped it would be. But if you start feeling bad again, let me know. I don’t want you to have another attack,” Dean says, his tone turning dark. He wraps an arm around Cas and pulls him against him. Cas nods and leans his head on Dean’s shoulder, food forgotten. 

“It’s a good thing we wore sweaters,” Cas whispers as a cold breeze blows past them. Dean huffs a laugh and nods, turning to place a kiss in Cas’s hair. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Dean speaks again. 

“I love you, Cas. So much,” he says softly. Cas tilts his head up to look at Dean, who draws in a breath to speak again. “You’re so-- strong. I don’t know how you do it. You’ve been through so much, yet you’re still here and together. And you’re so kind to everyone, despite what you’ve experienced. You’re like a real angel; I don’t know how you don’t have wings.” 

“And yes, this is turning into a chick flick moment, which you know I despise, but I don’t care. You’re amazing and I love you and I just respect you so much,” Dean finishes with a sigh.

“I’m hardly strong. I couldn’t even talk until twenty-four hours ago,” Cas whispers.

“Cas, you’re so fucking strong. You have no idea how amazing you are,” Dean says, looking down at his lap, shying away from Cas’s bright blue eyes. 

He looks back up when Cas’s arms wrap around him tightly and Cas moves to nearly sit in Dean’s lap, his head resting on Dean’s shoulder. Dean’s arms wrap around Cas and hug him tightly. 

Cas pulls back and kisses Dean softly. Dean’s arms run up Cas’s back to twist in his hair gently. 

“I love you. Thank you so much for this, Dean,” Cas says. He climbs off of Dean’s lap and lays down beside him, nudging Dean down with him so he can rest his head on his chest. 

***

_ The smell of smoke is overwhelming. It envelops Dean and makes him gag on his breaths. He hits the button on his seatbelt and panics when it doesn’t unlock.  _

_ He hears Sam crying in the back seat and turns around to face him. “It’s okay Sammy, it’ll be okay. Right Mom?” Dean says, turning back to look at the front seat. His mom is still lying limp against the steering wheel.  _

_ He huffs a breath and struggles against his seatbelt with no avail. “Crap!”  _

_ Sending another glimpse at his mom, who’s still unconscious.  _

_ “Please wake up, Mom,” he says, his voice partially from fear and partially from the smoke. He decides that the buckle on his seatbelt isn’t going to unbuckle, so he slides his head underneath the top strap.  _

_ He pushes himself up and wiggles from the second one.  _

_ “Sammy, I’m coming,” he says, looking at his mom. He grabs her shoulder and shakes it, trying to wake her up. “Okay, I’ll be back Mom.” _

_ He climbs over his seat and attempts to pull Sam out of the car seat. When the latch doesn't unlock, he screams in frustration and opens the door, running out into the street to look for help.  _

_ He finds the street empty, leaving him desperate. He decides to try once more to wake his mom up and pull Sam out, sure he'll get it this time.  _

_ He knows he has to.  _

_ He’s two feet away from the car when he hears it. A terrible cracking sound coming from the engine.  _

_ “Mom!” he yells, taking a step towards the car, “Sammy!” That’s when the explosion happens.  _

_ It shoots flames out towards him, showering him with glass and shrapnel in the process. But he can see the fire cover the car with his family inside, filling the inside with red flames and black smoke.  _

_ “No!” _

***

“Dean, wake up!” Cas shouts, shaking his shoulders harshly. Dean jolts up, startling Cas back. “Shh, it was just a nightmare.” 

“We fell asleep?” he asks, out of breath. Cas nods, running a soothing hand through Dean’s hair. Dean leans into the touch, pressing his shoulder against Cas’s. He looks around and notices that it’s getting dark. “How about we head to the car?”

“Dean, what was your dream about?” Cas asks, ignoring Dean’s question. 

“Nothing, just a nightmare,” Dean lies, but Cas sees right through him. 

“No, it obviously wasn’t,” A slight shiver runs through Cas as he says it, making Dean narrow his eyes.

“Okay, let’s make a deal. We go to the car so you can warm up and I’ll tell you about my dream,” Dean says, wrapping a warming arm around Cas’s shoulder. After a nod from Cas, the two stand up and hurriedly pack up the picnic basket once more. 

They reach the car as quickly as possible, eager to escape the cold. Once inside, Dean starts the engine and turns the heat all the way up, ignoring Cas's pointed looks. After a few minutes of looking everywhere that's not Cas, Dean finally turns to face him when it feels like there’s a hole being burned in the side of his head from Cas’s staring. 

“Okay, guess I owe ya a story now, don't I?” He asks with a sigh. Cas nods and takes one of Dean’s hands in his own. It’s a small gesture, but it helps ground Dean. 

“You don't have to do this if you don't want to. We can save it for another time,” Cas complies, voice concerned. Dean shakes his head, but sighs again deeply. They sit in silence for a few minutes more, their hands still together, before Dean speaks again. 

“When I was four, my mom got in a car wreck. It wasn't her fault, some douchebag alcoholic hit us from the side as we were driving home from picking Sammy up from daycare,” he says, voice shaky and rushed, like if he doesn't get the words out right then, they'll never be said. 

“Well the impact knocked my mom unconscious. Luckily, I was just a little banged up, so I crawled back to get Sam out. It took forever to get his car seat undone, but I managed. I always dream that I don't though, that he's left in the car.”

“But, I got him out. I took him to the side of the road and went back to get Mom when the car exploded. It uh- well, she didn't make it out. And it caught my clothes on fire, so I have some scars. They're not too noticeable anymore though,” Dean finishes quickly, his voice a little choked up, despite his attempts to seem okay about the whole thing. 

***

“I’m so sorry,” Cas whispers, in lack of better words. He’s not sure what is appropriate to say, or even what he wants to say. He’s at a loss for words, which is something that has never happened to him, even when he was mute. Then, he just wrote down everything that he wanted to say, or signed it. 

“It’s okay, it was a long time ago. It’s just-- my dad blames me, he says that I distracted her or something, which I don’t remember doing. But he’s said it so much, I believe him,” Dean whispers, like he’s never said the words aloud before, which Cas figures he probably hasn’t. 

“Sometimes, it just-- it just gets to me. It, uh-- it’s hard to function sometimes. Like, the nightmares make it really hard to get up the next morning, ya know?” Dean asks rhetorically. Cas nods in agreement anyways, because he does know. He was-- is-- depressed like Dean is. 

Not that he knows for sure that Dean is depressed, but he’s getting signs that he is. 

Cas looks at him in surprise for a moment, silent. Dean is so open right now, so vulnerable. It’s so unlike the Dean that Cas has come to know-- confident, funny, cocky at times.  He can’t imagine how hard it is for Dean to open up like this. 

The Dean that Cas knows doesn’t even like to talk about little things that have to do with emotions, yet here is Dean telling Cas about one of the worst times in his life. 

Cas rubs his thumb in a circle on the back of Dean’s hand, attempting to sooth him in any way possible. He scoots closer and nudges Dean’s bent head up with his hand so he can look Dean in the eyes. 

“You are amazing, Dean. I hope you know that-- I need you to know that,” Cas says, quietly. Dean’s eyes are glistening with unshed tears until he blinks, causing them to fall down his cheeks. “It wasn’t your fault, it’s the guy who hit you who is at fault.”

“You saved Sam, and me. You’re a hero,” he adds, wiping away the tears on Dean’s face with his thumb. He leans forward to press his lips gently on Dean’s, silently making a promise.

He’s going to do whatever he can to help Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this very delayed chapter! As always, comments are greatly appreciated for I love hearing how you are liking the story and any overall thoughts you guys have. And, follow me on Tumblr for updates about chapters and other random Supernatural stuff!
> 
> This chapter was inspired by Unsteady by X Ambassadors. I just recently heard this song and fell in love with it. :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!!! <3


	12. Fools, Said I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long delay! I got sick this past week and I've been having some family issues lately that have taken up some time. Not to mention school and homework and sleep. Ya know, the usual. 
> 
> Regardless, I have been working to post this for you. I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Big thanks to my amazing beta, DarkHeartInTheSky, for helping me edit and reminding me of things from previous chapters that I'd forgotten.

“Shit, why the fuck aren’t you answering?” Dean shouts, throwing his phone across the room. It hits a wall and he winces at the sound of shattering glass. 

Castiel hasn’t answered any of Dean’s calls or texts in five days and Dean can’t help but think the worst. The ideas that Castiel has decided Dean isn’t good enough for him anymore, or maybe he got kidnapped again, have been sending Dean into constant panic.

The first day, Dean thought maybe Cas was just busy, maybe doing homework or something. Then, the second day came around and Castiel still wasn’t answering his phone, and Dean got worried. In the past, Castiel always answered texts within the hour, regardless of the time. Even at one in the morning, Dean could count on Cas answering his phone. 

And then Cas didn’t answer his phone the next morning when Dean called for the twentieth time and sent his thirty-fifth text message. 

So yea, Dean panicked. A lot. 

Usually when Dean panics, he does something reckless. This time was not the break in the cycle. 

On the third day of not hearing from Cas, Dean had come to the conclusion that Castiel was kidnapped again by Alastair, who the police have not caught yet. So, Dean went searching for him on his own. 

“Tell me where the fuck he is, or I swear to god I will rip your lungs out!” Dean shouts at the guy that he is pressing against the wall by his shirt collar. Dean has seen Alastair hanging out with the guy multiple times, so when Dean saw him hanging around in an alley downtown, he figured this guy may know where Alastair is hiding. 

“I don’t know, he didn’t tell me where he was going,” the guy chokes out, his breath labored. Dean glares at him and moves to wrap a hand around the guy’s throat, his grip tight. 

“You’re lying. Where is he?” Dean growls, tightening his hand to scare the guy before loosening up enough for the guy to talk. 

The guy gasps before answering, “He’s in a cabin in the woods. Two miles south of the school.” Dean nods and presses the guy against the wall even harder, before letting go suddenly, causing the man to fall to his knees. 

***

The next day, Dean decides to go looking for the cabin the guy told him about. He packs a flashlight, compass and one of John’s knives, hoping that his dad doesn’t notice it is missing. He’s sure he won’t, since the last two weeks John has come home drunk every night, but he still hopes that today isn’t the one day his dad is sober. 

He grabs the Impala keys and drives down the ice covered roads to the school. Unfortunately for Dean, it snowed for the first time the night before, leaving everything white covered and slippery. So, not the best conditions to go walking around in the woods. 

He parks in a parking space at the back of the lot and heads into the woods. He uses his compass to guide him and soon begins to appreciate the forethought to bring it. 

The freezing air quickly makes his ears and hands cold, so he shoves one hand in the pocket of his leather jacket, keeping the other one out and holding the compass. 

_ Wish I’d brought a jacket _ , he thinks to himself as he begins to shiver. 

His boots crunch in the freshly fallen snow and he keeps an eye out for footprints. This far into the woods there shouldn’t be any footprints other than animals, so he knows that they would have to be Alastair’s. 

He walks for two hours, fatigue beginning to set in, before he sees a cabin in the distance. Quickening his pace, he walks quickly forward, dropping to a crouch when he gets to the wooden wall of the cabin. He sneaks forward so he’s underneath a windowsill and pauses before standing up halfway and peeking in the window. 

The inside of the cabin is dark and Dean can’t see anything. He walks around to the front of the cabin and creeps onto the porch, making as little noise as possible. He walks to the door and tries the handle, finding it locked. 

“Damn,” he mutters under his breath, wracking his brain to try and find another way in. He forgot to grab one of John’s lock-picking kits, the reason for him having them unknown to Dean. It still would’ve helped though. 

He stands back and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. 

_ Cas could be in there. Do it for Cas. _

Balling his hands into fists, he runs toward the door, hitting it just above the doorknob with his shoulder. A cracking sound erupts from the door, but the lock remains intact. Taking a couple steps back, Dean tries again, a little groan sounding in the back of his throat as he makes contact. The door swings open with a splitting crack, the door frame hanging loose from the lock. 

Dean smiles in triumph and pulls out his flashlight and knife. He switches on the light and holds the knife defensively in front of him. 

He kicks the door open a little bit more, slight touches of fear going through him. He wills them away and walks through the broken threshold. 

He moves the flashlight to the left of the dark room and finds a blanket and pillow making a bed on the floor. He hears the floor creak to his right and whips around, coming face to face with Alastair. 

Dean shoves the knife forward, aiming for Alastair’s shoulder, but gets deflected. The flashlight is hit out of his hands and the room falls dark. He throws a punch and hears the victorious sound of flesh on flesh accompanied by a groan. 

His arm is then caught and twisted behind him and Alastair crowds him from his back. Dean twists, turning so he’s facing Alastair and attempts to stab him again. Alastair hisses as it slices his arm, but quickly recovers and twists Dean’s arm more. Dean groans as his shoulder pops and he thrusts the knife at Alastair again. 

It lands directly in his shoulder, causing Alastair to cry out and loosen his grip on Dean’s arm. Dean pulls back, releasing himself from Alastair’s grasp, and draws back to punch him. His fist connects with Alastair’s jaw and sends the other man to the ground. Dean straddles Alastair’s chest and wraps his hand around his throat, pushing him into the ground. 

“Where is he, you son of a bitch?” Dean growls, leaning over Alastair’s face. A sickening grin breaks out across Alastair’s face. 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Dean,” he says, his voice sounding like nails on a chalkboard and holding a smug tone. Dean grits his teeth and tightens his grip enough to cut off air supply. Alastair makes a choking sound and his hands fly up to grab at Dean’s arm where the skin is exposed due to his sleeves being rolled up.

“You wanna try that again, asshole?” Dean asks, allowing his grip to stay tight for another second before he lets loose. 

Alastair gasps and answers in between coughs, “How is poor Castiel? Hope he’s recovering well.

“Shut the fuck up,” Dean growls, his vision going red. Blood starts pounding in his ears as he hears Alastair’s nasally laugh and he struggles to calm himself down. “Where did you take him to?” 

“Now Dean, I truly don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answers, mocking sincerity. “I wish I knew where your pretty, blue eyed angel was, trust me, but I don’t.” 

Dean rolls his eyes and attempts to keep himself under control. He doesn’t believe Alastair, but what if he is telling the truth? Not that the truth has ever been Alastair’s M.O., but he might not know. Something else could’ve happened to Cas. 

“So tell me, have you fucked him yet, Dean?” Alastair asks smugly, gaining Dean’s attention again. Dean’s green eyes snap to his face, fury filling his expression. 

“Shut your fucking mouth right now, or I swear to god,” Dean whispers dangerously, anger coursing through his veins. 

“Oh, you haven’t, have you?” he continues, ignoring Dean’s threats. “Let me tell you, he was good and tight, not to mention all the little noises he made whe-”

“I said shut your motherfucking mouth!” Dean yells, his hands around Alastair’s neck tightening. The sounds of Alastair’s gagging fills the room, music to Dean’s ears. His hands are shaking and his breathing is erratic. “You son of a bitch, you motherfucking son of a bitch,” he growls. 

_ This is the guy who  raped Cas. He is the one who violated Castiel and kidnapped him before taking him to the woods.  _

_ He left him bloody and bare in the cold.  _

Alastair’s hands are once again gripping Dean’s arm, his nails digging into Dean’s skin and making him bleed, but the pain just pushes Dean farther over the edge. Alastair’s choking sounds continue and he gasps for a breath like a fish out of water as his grip begins getting looser. 

Only when his hands fall to the ground and he goes limp in Dean’s hands does Dean let go of his neck. His thoughts begin to clear and he looks down at Alastair in shock. 

“Oh my god,” he mutters, placing two fingers on his pulse point. He doesn’t find a heartbeat. “Fuck.” 

***

Dean knocks forcefully on the door and wonders why the hell he didn’t do this before. It was stupid and he overlooked it in his panic. He should have come to the Novak household immediately when he couldn’t get ahold of Cas. 

No, instead, he went and searched out Alastair. 

_ Fuck. What did I do? _

The door swings open, revealing an older, bald man that Dean has never seen before. The guy looks him over obviously, a slightly disgusted look washing over his face. 

“Hello?” The man says, his tone annoyed. Dean hesitates and the guy rolls his eyes. “What do you want?” 

“Um, hi. Is Cas-- Castiel-- here?” Dean asks gruffly, caught off guard by the guys blatant rudeness. The guy shuts the door slightly, as if he doesn’t want Dean to see inside.

“Who’s asking?” the guy asks, his tone stiffening. 

“Bart, who’s at the door?” a voice asks from inside.

_ Bartholomew. Cas’s dad,  _ Dean thinks.  _ This explains a lot.  _

The door is pulled open more, revealing Anna. “Dean! Haven’t seen you in a while. Please, come in,” she says, pulling the door open all the way. Dean greets her and walks through the door. 

“Hi Anna, is Cas around?” he asks. 

“Yes, he is in his room. You can go on up if you want,” she says. Dean nods and glances at Cas’s dad before heading up the stairs and walking down the familiar hallway to Cas’s room. Music drifts under the door softly, making Dean smile. 

He knocks on the door and hears shuffling from in the room. Cas opens the door with a notepad in hand and a pencil already scribbling on it. Bright blue eyes flick up to meet Dean’s and fill with surprise. 

“Dean,” Cas whispers, his voice cracking around the words, leaving Dean to assume that Cas hasn’t spoken in a few days. The notepad and pencil fall to the floor, then Dean’s arms are full of Castiel. Dean wraps his arms around him and pushes his nose in Cas’s soft, dark hair, feeling safe, finally.

“I missed you too. God, you scared the shit out of me. Why haven’t you been answering your phone?” Dean asks, his voice soft, but accusing. 

Cas buries his head in Dean’s chest. “I’m sorry,” he says, his words muffled by Dean’s shirt. “My father took my cellphone when he got home.” Dean rubs small, soothing circles on Cas’s back, attempting to calm him down. 

Dean places a hand under Castiel’s chin and tilts his head up. He leans down and presses their lips together in a soft kiss that both of them sigh into. Cas’s hands slide up to cup Dean’s jaw as he presses into the kiss, deepening it. 

Dean pulls away and cradles Cas’s head to his chest once more, relief still flooding his thoughts, yet still accompanied by an underlying panic about what he did.

“Castiel,” a voice says from the doorway, causing both boys to jump. Dean turns and is not surprised when he sees Mr. Novak leaning against the doorway, disgust in his eyes. “Who is your-- friend?” he asks with the same tone of disgust as when he answered the door. Cas looks down nervously, his throat rippling as he swallows. 

Dean turns to look at Castiel, who looks up to meet his eyes. 

“Father, this is Dean Winchester. He’s my, uh, boyfriend,” Cas says, voice growing quiet at the last part. 

The room goes silent at Cas’s words. Dean turns to look at Mr. Novak and finds his face contorted with anger. Dean tenses, knowing that what happens next will not be pretty. 

“Out,” Mr. Novak says with barely contained anger. He looks at Dean with disgust and hatred, like he is a foul bug that needs killed. He steps towards Dean, his hands clenching into fists. “I will not have my son seduced by a sinner. You need to leave, and never come back.”

_ He’s not wrong about the sinner part.  _

Dean looks down at his shoes, willing himself to say something. 

“You are the devil himself and I will not have you turning my son into one of your kind too!” he continues, walking closer until he’s directly in front of Dean. “You’re an abomination to the Lord and you will not make Castiel one too.” 

_ He’s right.  _

Dean can feel Cas tense at his father’s words, so he reaches over to place a calming hand on Cas’s arm, despite feeling like he’s about to have a mental breakdown right here. 

“Bartholomew!” Anna says from the doorway, her arrival having gone unnoticed amidst the tension. 

Mr. Novak glances over at her sharply, but Anna doesn’t back down. 

“You will not kick Dean out,” she continues. “He is welcome here anytime and whether or not you agree with his lifestyle will not change that.” 

“Anna, do you want Castiel to be damned to Hell because of this boy?” Mr. Novak asks angrily. “You really think this delinquent is worth it?” Bartholomew grabs a statue of an angel sitting on Castiel’s dresser and throws it across the room, where it hits a wall and shatters. Anna stiffens and takes a step towards him. She clenches her jaw and her hands too, become fists. 

Dean subconsciously takes a slight step in front of Castiel, attempting to create a barrier between him and his father. 

“Boys, I think you should go out somewhere tonight,” she says through clenched teeth. “Let Bartholomew and I speak alone.” 

Dean nods immediately and grabs Castiel’s hand. He brushes past Mr. Novak smugly and pulls Cas along with him, acting as though his heart isn’t beating hard in his chest from the confrontation. He knows it’s stupid, but when a fight seems about to break out, he immediately goes into defense mode. 

He supposes it has something to do with how his dad is when he’s drunk. Not that Dean would ever admit that out loud. 

His thoughts are filled with getting Castiel out of the house before Bartholomew really gets mad. There is no way he could stand Castiel being hurt by his dad the way Dean’s dad hurts him. He won’t let that happen. 

Dean leads Cas down the stairs and out the front door without hesitating. The cold air hits them and he feels a shiver run through Cas’s body. He fleetingly thinks about having Cas go back in and grab a coat, but he lets the thought go. He’ll just lend Cas his jacket rather than making him go back into the house and possibly get trapped or hurt by Bartholomew and be forced to stay. He opens Cas’s car door and jogs around the front to the driver’s seat. He starts the ignition immediately and turns the heaters on full blast. 

Glancing over at Castiel, Dean finds him staring back at the house with wide eyes, his skin holding a pale color. Dean places a soothing hand on Cas’s leg and rubs a small circle with his thumb into his knee. 

“You okay?” he asks softly. Cas takes his eyes off of the house for a moment to glance at Dean’s hand, not meeting his eye, before shaking his head slightly.

“No,” Cas answers, his voice hoarse, as if he is about to cry. 

“I’m sorry angel,” Dean says. Cas’s tear filled eyes finally meet Dean’s and he falls forward into Dean with a sob, like a dam broke. Dean catches him, resting Cas’s head on his chest and wrapping his arms around Castiel’s body. Another sob wracks through Cas’s body, and Dean instinctively tightens his hug. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay Cas.” 

“He’s never gotten violent,” Cas says through broken sobs. “He gets angry often, over little things, like the house not being spotless when he comes home or Gabriel being Gabriel, but he’s never gotten violent like that.” 

Dean shushes him again and runs a soothing hand up his back. He knows how Castiel feels. The first time John got violent with him shattered his world into a million pieces. He felt like he had lost his dad and like his life was flipped upside down. And Cas, he didn’t even bring this on himself. This was all because of Dean. 

They sit in silence, only broken by Cas’s sobs, for a few minutes until Castiel is calmed down and just clutching Dean’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Dean repeats. Cas sniffles and looks up at him with red rimmed eyes and tear tracks visible on his cheeks. 

“Why are you sorry?” he asks. “This wasn’t your doing.” Dean looks at him incredulously, his disbelief showing on his face. “You think it was? Dean-” 

“No, Cas. It was my fault,” he interrupts, “if we weren’t together, your dad wouldn’t be pissed. If I hadn’t shown up today, you would still be with you parents with everyone relatively happy. Your dad wouldn’t have thrown that statue if I hadn’t asked you out,” Dean finishes, absentmindedly wiping away Cas’s tears with one hand. 

Castiel looks at him with wide eyes that quickly fill with anger and brushes his hand away. 

“No. Fuck that Dean,” Cas says. Dean stares at him with an open mouth, shocked at Cas’s outburst. “I will not let you blame yourself for this. Just because my father is a homophobic assbutt does not mean you should put this on yourself. Our relationship was not the cause of my father’s outburst. That is on him. I’m in love with you, Dean.”

Dean’s breath catches, knowing that if Castiel knew what he did, he wouldn’t feel that way anymore. 

_ He can never find out. I’ll make sure nobody ever finds out. _

“If he can’t accept that, that is his damn problem.” Castiel looks at Dean with finality and leans forward to catch Dean’s lips in an angry kiss. He pushes forward harshly, their teeth knocking against each other, but neither paying any attention to it. 

Dean’s hands reach up to cup Castiel’s jaw and he attempts to slow the kiss down, make it more tender and gentle so that he can try and hold on to this moment, but Cas continues kissing him hard and angry. Dean feels tears running down Castiel’s cheeks again and he pulls back to look at him with concern. 

“Baby, it’ll be okay. I’m in love with you too,” Dean whispers back, meaning it so much that he feels like he might crumble. He feels Castiel shaking under his touch. “Cas, you need to calm down.”

Castiel nods and rests his forehead against Dean’s, his breath catching in throat. He sniffles and a stray tear falls onto his cheek. Dean wipes it away and kisses his cheek where the tear had fallen. 

“How about we go to my house tonight?” Dean says after a moment. “My dad is out of town,” he adds, which isn’t exactly a lie-- John is out of town, Dean’s just not sure where he is. He’d left a note this morning that he would be back in three days, but hadn’t mentioned where. Not that Dean cares. “He shouldn’t be back for a few days.”

Castiel looks at Dean with searching eyes for a moment before he nods. 

***

“Hey Sammy,” Dean says with mock happiness as he leads Castiel into his house. They find Sam sitting on the couch in the dingy living room watching their small television. 

“Hey Dean. Oh, hi Castiel,” Sam says with surprise in his voice. He lifts his hand up in a small wave, his eyes narrowing slightly. “What’s going on?” he asks, glancing at Cas and Dean’s hands that are joined at their sides. 

Dean smile falls for a moment as he comes up with a lie, but brightens once more as he begins speaking. 

“Castiel is just going to stay with us tonight. He-- uh, needs a break from his house. His brother has a girl over tonight and he didn’t want to stay there.” Dean explains. Sam nods and makes a face, but seems to buy the story. “You don’t mind, do ya?” 

“Well, as long as you guys keep quiet, I don’t mind,” Sam says. Castiel colors immediately, but Dean just smirks at him as he squeezes his hand. 

“No promises, bitch,” Dean says, walking over and ruffling Sam’s shaggy hair with his free hand. Sam’s face scrunches up in disgust and he reaches up to fix his hair.

“Whatever, jerk,” he replies, watching Dean lead Castiel down the hallway where the bedrooms are located. His laughter echoes off the walls as they walk through and is only silenced when Dean shuts his bedroom door. 

Castiel looks around for a moment before taking a seat on Dean’s bed, folding his hands in his lap, looking uncomfortable and awkward. Dean takes a seat next to him and takes one of his hands in his own again, giving it a small squeeze. 

“You okay?” Dean asks, bumping his shoulder against Cas’s. Castiel shrugs and stares at his hands. “Are you hungry?” he asks after a minute, trying to find something to distract Cas. He gets a headshake. A pang of concern runs through him when Castiel doesn’t speak again. 

He urges it away, telling himself that it’s just because of the events today. That Castiel just needs time to cope. He places a soft kiss on Cas’s cheek and guides him up to the head of the bed, nudging him to lay down. 

Once Cas is laying down on his side, head resting on a pillow, Dean lays down behind him and wraps an arm around his waist, their hands still together and resting on Cas’s stomach. He places a kiss on the back of Cas’s neck, earning a soft sigh. 

“I love you,” he says quietly against Castiel’s shoulder. Cas squeezes his hand in return. They fall asleep that way, with Cas leaning into Dean and Dean holding him, protecting him from the terrors of the day. 

***

_ It’s dark.  _

_ He holds a hand out in front of himself and walks forward. Every step he takes is slow and cautious. His leg hits something metal, sending the object skidding across the floor. He hears it hit the wall with a loud bang that echoes through the seemingly empty room.  _

_ He continues his slow walk, realizing that the room is much bigger than he thought.  _

_ He hears a wheezing sound from far away, like someone can’t catch a breath. It’s followed by a low, pained moan that sends chills down Dean’s spine as the sound bounces off of the walls. He can’t tell which direction the sounds are coming from-- it’s as if they are all around him.  _

_ “Hello?” he says, his voice rough. He coughs a few times, trying to clear his throat. “Hello?”  _

_ Someone gasps, over and over, pushing Dean to walk faster. He continues calling for the person; fear and panic surrounding his mind.  _

_ The sounds stop completely and Dean feels even more frantic to find the person who was making them. His stomach is full of butterflies, his heart beating out of his chest.  _

_ He walks forward, quickly still, his footsteps echoing all around him, adding a sense of hopelessness and  desperation. His breath sounds in his ears, accompanied by the pounding of his blood. _

_ Then, suddenly, a scream erupts from directly in front of him, slicing through the air. It’s low tone ricochets off of every surface in the endless room, threatening to drive Dean mad. He flinches, his hands flying up to cover his ears. He runs forward, his own shouts filling the air, when his foot catches on something solid. _

_ He hits the ground with a hard thud. Pain blossoms through his shoulder and into his chest, making him crumple forward in agony. He turns to look blindly at what he tripped over and suddenly he can see. _

_ It’s as if somebody flipped a switch. White light fills the room, casting out the darkness. Dean gasps as his eyes attempt to adjust, his vision going completely blurry. He reaches up to wipe the blurriness from his eyes, but when his hand lands on his face, it’s covered in something wet, sticky, and warm.  _

_ He pulls his hand away as if it burned him and looks at it, confused.  _

_ It’s covered in red.  _

_ “What the fuck?” he shouts, panicked, looking around at where he’s lying face down on the ground. The red is surrounding him, soaking into his clothes, making him scream in alarm. “Oh fuck!” _

_ He twists around and comes face to face with  _ him.  _ His eyes are sunken in, his face white as a sheet, dark red blood streaming from his mouth.  _

_ Alastair.  _

_ He’s making a terrible gurgling sound from deep within his throat. His chest rises and falls with what looks like major effort. Dean shuffles away as Alastair’s beady eyes, filled with hatred, meet his.  _

_ “Dean,” he says, rasping the word. Blood pours from his mouth, running down the side of his face, pooling around his head. “Dean,” he whispers again, a horrible sound that sends ice through Dean’s veins. Dean’s panicked breaths fill the air as Alastair begins smiling, blood covering his teeth. He reaches out and grabs Dean’s wrists in a tight grip, whispering Dean’s name in a terrifying loop. Dean pulls away, but to no avail.  _

_ Dean’s scream fills the air as Alastair’s grip tightens, the cracking of bones filling the air.  _

_ “Dean.”  _

***

“Dean!” he hears, the voice much closer than it had been in the dream. The word is no longer hissed, but rather filled with panic and concern. “Please, wake up!” 

Someone shakes his shoulder violently, causing Dean’s eyes to fly open, meeting Cas’s worried blue ones immediately. Castiel’s arms wrap around Dean and hold him close, his heart beating hard against Dean’s chest where they are pressed together. 

Dean’s labored breaths fill the air, his panic evident.

“You were having a nightmare. You were screaming,” Cas whispers, sounding heartbroken. 

Dean feels wetness on his cheeks and realizes that he is crying. He buries his head in Cas’s shoulder and cries into his t-shirt. 

“It’s okay,” Castiel whispers. “Shh, it’ll be okay. I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, comments are greatly appreciated as I do love to hear your opinions and random thoughts. It really helps me to make the story better and adjust things that I don't know if you guys will like. 
> 
> This chapter was inspired by the song No Good by the band Kaleo. Recently I have become so obsessed with this band. If you've never listened to them and you like classic rock, I definitely recommend them!
> 
> Have a good week you guys!!! <3


	13. No One Dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long. Enjoy the chapter!

Dean’s not sure how he ended up here-- sitting on a hard-ass chair that creaks every time he moves in a stuffy guidance office with some chick sitting behind her desk looking at him like his puppy just got ran over. His fingers ache where they’ve been gripping the chair for the past twenty minutes. The guidance counselor sighs for the fifth time and checks the small watch on her wrist. 

“You’re going to have to talk to me eventually, Dean,” she says, her hand falling back into her lap. He looks her straight in the eye and gives her a bitch face that could rival Sam’s. She chuckles quietly, serving to piss him off more. 

“I don’t have to say shit. I don’t even know why the hell I’m here,” he replies, his eyes boring into hers. He notes how she doesn’t even flinch at his language and realizes that she is different from other teachers in the school. 

She brushes her hair back behind her ear before placing her notebook, which had been sitting on her crossed legs, on the desk. 

“One of your friends came into me this morning and expressed a concern for your well-being,” she begins. “They said you’ve been having nightmares that--”

“Wait. They told you I have nightmares?” Dean interrupts angrily. The counselor nods and looks at him with wide eyes. “Look, Mrs. Barnes, you seem really nice and all, but that is private information. Whoever told you that shouldn’t have and I’m not gonna bitch about my problems to you.” 

Mrs. Barnes looks at him for a moment, looking at him like he’s a puzzle with her eyebrows furrowed. 

“First, you can call me Pam. Second, I am here for you to bitch about your problems,” she says. “What are your nightmares about?” 

Dean crosses his arms and looks down at the ground, his lips pouted and his brows furrowed. He debates getting up and leaving, but decides he might as well try and stay out of class for a while longer anyways. It’s not like he has to talk if he doesn’t want to. 

“Dean. I am just here to help. Nobody else will find out about this, you can trust me on that,” Pam says. He looks up at her with doubt in his eyes and laughs a sad laugh. 

“That’s what I thought I had with the person who told you about the nightmares.”

Pam sighs and uncrosses her legs, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the desk in front of her. She looks at Dean for a few minutes, calculating, as he stares right back at her. 

“The person who told me was-- is-- looking out for you. They love you, they want you to get better,” she says finally. “Tell me about your nightmares.” 

Dean sighs, realizing his defeat, and begins to tell Pam everything. 

He tells her about his mother’s horrible death. The sound of metal popping in the heat of the fire, the smell of burning flesh that he sometimes catches a whiff of. He tells her about how he tried to save his mom, how he wishes that he had been the one to die instead of her. 

He tells her about his father. How he beats him when he is really mad, but Dean never tells anyone because he deserves it. He explains how it’s not his dad’s fault-- if he had saved his mom his dad wouldn’t be an alcoholic and would still be happy. That if he had been the one who died, everyone’s lives would be so much better. 

He tells her about how he thought of killing himself a few years ago. A thought that sometimes shows itself still, when he gets really low. She doesn’t ask why, but he explains anyways; if he killed himself, his dad wouldn’t have to look at his disappointment of a son anymore and that Sam wouldn’t be forced to hang out with his deadbeat brother.

He even tells her about Cas. About the love that consumes him every time Castiel is around. He talks about how it scares him how much he needs Cas. But, at the same time, he feels like Castiel would be so much better off if he’d never met Dean. 

But, of course, he doesn’t mention Alastair. 

The whole time Dean pours his heart out, Pam never says a word. Never tells him that he is being ridiculous, tells him how terrible it is that his dad hits him, nothing. But, when he finishes, she finally speaks. 

“You know that’s not true, right?” she asks. Dean looks at her dumbfounded, so she explains, “Castiel is so much better off with you. I have had to speak with him before, but the thing is, he couldn’t speak with me. He couldn’t speak at all.” 

Dean looks at her, understanding where she is going with this. 

“But after you got here, he has been able to come in and say a few words to me. Not a full blown conversation, but he was able to come in and say ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’. Dean, you have no idea how big of a deal that is,” she says. He looks down at his hands, not believing her.  

“You are better than you can see Dean. You are caring and loyal, you’re not a burden. To anybody,” Pam says with finality. Dean stands up and looks her in the eye. 

“Thank you, Pam,” he says. She smiles, her eyes lighting up. He turns and walks for the door.

“Hey Dean?” she says as his hand lands on the doorknob. He turns to look at her with curiosity in his eyes. “Go easy on him.” 

Dean’s eyes harden, but he nods nonetheless before opening the door. 

***

“Hello Dean. How was your day?” Castiel asks when he opens the door, finding Dean standing on his porch, unannounced. He just got home from school, meaning that Dean drove here straight from school as well. Dean doesn’t look at him and Castiel is instantly nervous. Dean doesn’t reply. 

“Would you like to come in?” 

Castiel steps to the side, opening the door more. Dean pushes his way in, not meeting his eyes. Cas notes how Dean’s shoulders are drawn tight and how he is holding himself tensely, angrily.

“W-w-what’s wrong?” he asks, wincing at his stutter that gives away his sudden nervousness as he closes the door. Dean finally turns to look at him at that, his eyes lit with shock before they turn cold again. 

“How about you tell me, Cas? Anything you’d like to share?” Dean replies, his voice cold and dangerous. Castiel’s stomach drops and he looks down at his feet. His blood turns to ice at how furious Dean sounds, which Castiel has never heard before. 

Sure, they’ve had small arguments, but Dean has never sounded so angry before. 

“No? So you don’t need to tell me that you told a fucking guidance counselor-- a stranger-- about something that I fucking confided in you? Something that was not your goddamn thing to share?” Dean shouts. He steps forward quickly, but stops when Castiel flinches and cowers back. 

“I’m s-s-s-sorry. Dean, I-I can explain-” Castiel begins, but Dean silences him with the raise of a hand. 

“I don’t want to fucking hear it Castiel!” Dean yells. Castiel looks up in shock at Dean’s use of his full name. He hasn’t used it since the first time they met, and the anger he says it with makes Castiel’s knees weak. He feels tears welling up in his eyes and forces himself to push them down. 

He hadn’t meant to make Dean mad. He hadn’t even meant for Pam to speak with Dean about it. But, when she asked him about Dean, he had decided to tell her about how worried he is for him. He hadn’t gone into detail, but mentioned how Dean wakes up screaming often. He had honestly just been wondering if she could give him advice on how to help Dean, but apparently she had decided to do so on her own. 

He opens his mouth to try and explain this, but when he tries, no words come out. He looks up Dean in shock, who is staring at him with the same expression. But, once again, his eyes turn cold again, and the next words he speaks are filled with venom. 

“What’s wrong Cas? Cat got your tongue?” 

The remark feels like a punch in the stomach and knocks the wind out of him all the same. Dean has never, ever, said anything about his muteness that was cruel. Until today, that is.

The tears that were threatening to spill over a few minutes ago fall onto his cheeks and he wipes them away furiously. He sees regret fill Dean’s eyes immediately and the other boy looks down guiltily. 

“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for,” Dean whispers, eyes trained on the floor. “I just- I don’t understand how you could tell someone about my nightmares. I told you that in confidence, Cas. I trusted you!” he says with desperation and disbelief. 

Castiel looks up and signs **“I’m sorry”** , not trusting his voice.

He doesn’t miss the sad look in Dean’s eyes at the fact that he has lost the ability to speak, but chooses to ignore it. 

“Sometimes sorry just doesn’t cut it,” Dean says, his voice cracking. “I can’t trust you anymore,” he continues. Castiel feels like he is about to be sick and places a hand over his mouth, shaking his head. Dean walks forward and yanks open the door without another word, his eyes looking straight ahead. Castiel surges forward, grabbing Dean’s arm. 

“Please,” he whispers, panicked, forcing the words out. “Don’t leave. We can fix this. Just come sit down and I’ll explain. Please, I love you, Dean.”

“That doesn’t change anything. We’re over, Cas,” Dean says, a tear running down his cheek before he pulls his arm free and walks out the door, slamming it shut behind him as Cas tries to follow him. Castiel closes his eyes and places a hand on the closed door, tears streaming down his face. He sobs and turns to lean against the door, slowly sliding down until he is sitting against it. 

He hears the distinct rumble of the Impala’s engine and another sob works it’s way out of his throat. He pulls his legs up to his chest and buries his head in his knees. It feels like his world is crumbling around him and he has no way to stop it.

_ What have I done? _

***

The sound of Baby’s engine usually calms Dean down, relaxes him. Not today. His hands are gripped on the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles are white and he is going way over the speed limit as his music blares loud enough to vibrate through the frame of the car.

He knows in his head that the longer he hears the engine, the farther away he gets from Cas and the things he just said out of anger. 

He didn’t mean them. God knows he didn’t mean one word. He would give anything to go back and redo the whole thing. Why the fuck would he break up with Cas? What the fuck was that?

And that’s not even mentioning what he said to Castiel when his muteness decided to rear it’s ugly head.  _ “Cat got your tongue?”  _ What the hell is the matter with him? He has never once said anything so cruel to anybody, let alone the person he is in love with. And the hurt in Cas’s eyes when he said it just broke Dean’s heart. He did that. He put that look on the love of his life’s face. 

_ I am an asshole. I’m worse than an asshole. I’m scum.  _

Then telling Castiel that sorry wasn’t enough-- Dean didn’t even believe that when he said it. And calling him by his whole name was a low blow too. 

But by far, the worst thing he’s done tonight was not only telling Cas that his loving Dean didn’t change anything, when in fact it changes everything, was slamming the door in his face and driving away. 

_ I am an idiot. An asshole. Scum. Pam was wrong; Castiel would be so much better off without me.  _

With that thought, Dean realizes that his redeeming act might have been breaking up with Castiel. He knows it hurt Cas when he did it, the look on his face showed his heartbreak, but in time he would get over it. He’d find someone who is good for him, who can be who he needs. 

These are the thoughts that keep Dean from turning around and driving back to Cas’s with an apology on hand. 

It hurts Dean and he may never get over it, but Castiel will be safer and have a better life if Dean isn’t in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, short chapter. I was going for short and sweet for this one, I guess.... but, the next few chapters should be longer. This is the place in the story where (to me) things get more exciting and angsty. So, it should be easier to write them and they should get posted quicker than they have been. We actually don't have much longer until this fic is finished, I'm thinking probably around 7 more chapters, maybe less. 
> 
> This chapter was inspired by 'Unsteady' by X Ambassadors. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this update. Please leave a comment (if you would like) and let me know what you thought and other random things. It really makes my day to hear your predictions and other things. <3


	14. While I Was Sleeping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just going to say in advance that I'm sorry. Also, I apologize for the shortness of the chapter. I just had a hard time writing this one.

*2 Weeks Later*

“Come on Cassie, this is getting ridiculous,” Gabriel says to him as he lays in his bed staring at the wall like he has done for two weeks in a row. He only drags himself out of bed to shower and maybe eat. 

It’s not like he sleeps all day. Hell, he doesn’t even sleep at night because he’s haunted by dreams of the night he was kidnapped. He’s been trying not to think about it, but he can’t get the feeling of Alastair and Azazel’s hands on him out of his mind. It drives him crazy. 

He just wants Dean there. He needs someone to talk to. He’s not heard anything about the investigation, which makes him nervous. What if Alastair got away? 

These are the thoughts that keep him awake, staring at his ceiling. He doesn’t know how to get over this. Last time he stopped talking, and he’s trying not to do that again, but the urge to be silent is strong. He just really wants to see Dean, to hear his comforting words.

But, he can’t have any of that. Because he tried to help. 

Gabriel doesn’t know any of this, he just thinks that Castiel and Dean grew apart, so he thinks all of Castiel’s silence is unwarranted. He tells Castiel that he is being ridiculous, that he shouldn’t let Dean make him regress back to silence.

He went years without speaking to someone besides Gabe, and Castiel is thinking maybe it’d be nice, being silent again. And yea, he hasn’t even been talking to him, but he’s just sad. He’ll get over it. Eventually he’ll talk to someone.

“Cas, you’ve got stop this man. It’s not healthy,” Gabe says, sitting on the edge of Castiel’s bed, where Cas is lying with his face buried in his flat pillow. He reaches back and pulls his comforter up around his shoulders more and tries to disappear from the world. “Don’t be that way. You don’t want to make me tickle you or something,” he threatens. 

Castiel doesn’t reply, just sniffles into the pillow. He hears Gabriel huff and his weight move up the bed farther. 

“Come on, get up, take a shower, eat some food, watch some T.V.. You’ll feel better once you’re up and around,” Gabe says, his tone revealing his desperation. Castiel again says nothing, just ignores that Gabriel said anything at all.  

“Please just talk to me,” Gabe whispers, his plea just barely heard. Cas sighs and rolls over so he can Gabriel staring at him. He pulls his hands up out of his comforter.

**I can’t,** he signs to Gabriel. He sees his brother’s face fall into a frown. 

“You need to talk to him Cas,” he says finally after a few minutes of silence. Castiel blinks and begins to bury his head in his pillow once again when Gabriel stands abruptly and crosses his arms, glaring at him. “You can hide all you want, but it won’t change a damn thing. Dean will still be pissed and you’ll be pouting.”

“If you want to be with him, go make up with him. It’s that or getting over him,” he shouts, his voice getting louder as he goes. He then turns on his heel and storms out the door, leaving Cas by himself to feel like an asshole. 

***

The cold air whips around Castiel and seeps through his trench coat as he walks down the street to Singer’s Auto Repair. He decided to humor Gabe and get up, shower, etc, but once he was up he felt the need to find Dean and apologize.

Not that he really thinks he has anything to apologize about. The past two weeks he has replayed the entire encounter in his head, from start to finish, and all he can come up with is that Dean is mad at him for trying to help. That’s all he wanted to do. Help Dean feel better and recover from the trauma of his mom’s death. 

The more he thinks about how irrational Dean was being, the angrier he gets at him. Though, that won’t stop him from trying to make amends. The past two weeks have been a living nightmare without Dean, and Castiel isn’t sure he could last much longer without him. 

Castiel begins walking quicker as he passes the bookstore and the alley next to it, memories of that night running through his mind. 

Luckily, he sees the little repair shop at the end of the road and begins looks up and down the street for Dean’s trademark Impala, trying to see if he needs to be prepared to speak with him immediately. He almost decides to turn around when he doesn’t see the car, but figures he can ask Bobby where Dean is. At least he’ll get off the street for a moment. 

His steps quicken even more as he walks towards the repair shop, his eagerness to see Dean making him both less and more nervous at the same time. 

He knows Dean broke up with him. It was quite obvious, considering Dean had literally said that they were done, but Castiel knows he didn’t mean it. He couldn’t have. He knows that Dean loves him, they love each other. They can get through this. 

These are the hopeful thoughts that whip around Castiel’s mind as he opens the door to Singer’s. He steps in and is immediately blanketed by the warmth of the furnace, forcing a small sigh to escape his lips. 

“Hello, welcome to--” Jo, who is sitting at the reception desk begins. She cuts off when she sees that he is there. “Hello, Castiel. What are you doing here?” she asks, her voice sharp and dangerous. She glares at him, making him itch under her gaze.

He walks forward and pulls the notebook, which he hadn’t carried around in a while, out of his pocket. He scribbles on it with the little travel sized pen he grabbed. He turns the note over to show Jo. 

**Is Dean here?**

Jo scoffs before answering, “No, haven’t seen him since he told me about what you did.” Castiel feels heat rising in his cheeks at the ice in her voice. She obviously is on Dean’s side. He writes on the notepad once again. 

**I was just trying to help. Can you tell me where he is?**

Jo rolls her eyes and pops the gum she’s been chewing loudly. “I guess you could check his house, if you need to see him really bad. Just be careful, he’s pissed,” she says. Her last words sound concerned, so he assumes she doesn’t hate him that much. 

He nods at her and leaves, eager to get to Dean’s house. He just wants to make things right. Losing Dean-- Castiel just doesn’t think he could handle it. After these past two weeks, seeing what life without Dean is like, he doesn’t want to do it anymore. 

Dean is the only one who knows what happened to him. He knows Castiel better than anyone else in the world. Castiel really doesn’t think he can live without Dean. He just can’t. 

With that in mind, he breaks out into a run. The cold air burns his throat as he breaths and he can hear the crunch of snow under his feet, but he doesn’t care. He realizes he probably looks like a crazy person; running in the snow wearing jeans and a winter coat. Yet, he can’t find it in himself to give a shit. 

Instead of taking thirty minutes to get to Dean’s house, it takes Castiel twelve. Sure, he’s out of breath and sweating through his shirt when he gets there, but it doesn’t make a difference. Though part of the reason he ran so quickly was the fact that he was terrified to be alone in town. 

The last time he was alone like that was the night Alastair and Azazel--

_ No, not right now.  _

He walks up to the house, gasping for air, and knocks on the door, his nerves making his hands shake. What if Dean slams the door in his face? What if he says they are over for good? 

_ No, _ Castiel decides.  _ I won’t let him do that. I’ll beg him to forgive me. He has to. _

Castiel waits for five minutes before he knocks on the door again, thinking maybe Dean just didn’t see him. 

“Hello? Dean? Please open the door!” he shouts, hoping his voice travels through the wooden door. He walks to the window on the front of the house and peeks in, finding it dark. 

_ Why aren’t there any lights on? _

He walks around the house to the window he knows looks into Dean’s room. The wind blows his hair into his eyes and he brushes a hand through his hair, his fingers catching on a tangle and tugging slightly. He flinches as a quick moment of panic surges through him, the touch reminding of  _ that _ night. He takes a deep breath before cupping his hands around his eyes and pressing his face to the glass. 

“What?” he whispers. Slowly, as if in shock, he walks back around to the front of the house. “Dean?” he shouts, grabbing the doorknob and twisting it roughly. He finds it unlocked and throws the door open hard enough that he hears it hit the wall, causing the drywall to crack. 

He walks into the Winchester’s little living room and puts a hand over his mouth. 

The room is empty, like they were never here. 

Castiel’s voice cracks when he shouts, “Sam? Dean? Anybody?” Panic rising in the back of his throat, he walks slowly through the house, finding every room cleaned out. 

Every cupboard in the kitchen, every drawer, is empty. There is no longer a fridge or stove, just empty spaces that they used to fill. He finds Sam’s room, empty. All that’s left of his are four empty shelves on one end of the room.

Walking down the dark hallway, he discovers what he assumes is Dean’s dad’s room, judging by the smell of alcohol soaked into the carpet and walls. There are a few boxes left in the middle of the room that, after further examination, Castiel realizes must be from Mrs. Winchester’s funeral and investigation.

He goes to Dean’s room last. He finds that his room too has a box left in the middle. His stomach sinks as he walks closer, already knowing what is in the box. 

A picture of he and Dean from their date at the apple orchard sits on top. He hasn’t seen it before, so he assumes that the the owner took it. It shows Dean watching as Castiel reaches up into a tree, bracing himself on the trunk. It’s obvious from the look in Dean’s eyes that he is in love with what he sees. Castiel feels a tear run down his face the longer he stares at the picture. He pulls it out and sits it next to the box, wiping the tear from his cheek. 

He finds a golf ball from the place they went mini-golfing on their first date, when Dean kissed him for the first time. There’s a piece of notebook paper with the words ‘I love you’ written in Castiel’s messy handwriting from one of their conversations when he hadn’t begun speaking to Dean. Sheet music of the first song Castiel sang for Dean is folded in the bottom, which Castiel assumes Dean was trying to learn to play on his guitar. 

Lastly, he finds a folded note in the corner of the box. Pulling it open carefully, he sees Dean’s neat, block handwriting on a tear stained page. He takes a deep breath, reading:

_ Cas, _

_ I love you. Let me start by saying that, because that’s something that’s never going to change. I love you. More than life itself. You pulled me out of Hell and I love you for it. I know you may never see this letter, but on the chance you do, I feel like I need you to know these things. I need you to understand  _ _ why _ _. _

_ I’ve realized that we can’t be together. I know why you did what you did, but you still broke my trust. I understand that you did it to help me because you love me too and I forgive you. I don’t care about what you did, it doesn’t matter. You are all that matters.  _

_ I’m not leaving because I want to. My dad decided it is time to move on after I came home from your house after the breakup. I told him some asshole insulted mom, and that I was so angry my face was red, so he hightailed it out of here pretty quickly. He was too drunk to think it through. I guess it was that or find the bastard and beat the shit out of him. He decided he didn’t need assault added to his criminal record.  _

_ Anyways, I’m leaving. You won’t see me again. I know I said love can make it through anything, but I don’t want to drag you through my shit. I’m not good Cas. I’ve done things that are wrong, and I knew they were, but I still did them. I won’t drag you into my mess.  _

_ I know you think you’re in love with me, but you’re not. I’m broken Cas, and you have to see that. I am a fuck up, I’m nothing. But you’re not. You don’t have to be like me.  _

_ You deserve so much better than me. You are still good Cas. You can stay good. For me, that chance is long gone. Hell, I’m not even sure I ever had that chance. I just hope that you are able to forget me. That you are able to move on and live a normal apple pie life with a white fence and a cat, maybe a kid or two.  _

_ I used to think we could have those things together, but I now know we can’t. My life will be like my dad’s-- pathetic.  _

_ I love you, Angel. And I’m sorry that you met me that day in the bookshop, you’re life better if you never talked to me. It will be. You’re going to live such an amazing life Cas, but I won’t be in it. I promise you that. I’ve been a shitty guy so far, but I will make it right.  _

_ You’ll never have to see me again.  _

_ I hope you’ll be able to forgive me for ever dragging you into my life.   _

_ -Dean _

“No, no, no. This isn’t happening, this isn’t real. Please, God don’t let this be real,” he mutters to himself. The letter is crushed in his fingers as he puts his head in his hands, finding his cheeks wet. He shakes his head, repeating, “no, no, no,” over and over. 

His body shakes with heartbreaking sobs that fill the silence of the empty house as he realizes that Dean always sticks to his promises. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :'( I'm sorry. This is not the end, I promise! We've got about 6-ish, maybe a few more left in this story. It'll get better! Remember to comment (if you'd like) and let me know what you think so far!
> 
> This chapter was inspired by Lovesick Fool by The Cab. 
> 
> If I don't post before it gets here, have a happy Thanksgiving! This year the holiday actually falls on my birthday, so I'm not sure if I'll be able to post anything. I am working on something really cool for the month of December that I hope you guys like and it's taking some of my time. Have a good weekend and holiday! <3


	15. I Walked Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya beautiful readers!  
> It has been forever, I know. Over the past six months, I have had family issues, personal health problems, and an extremely busy schedule. None of that is a good excuse for missing so many updates, but that is my explanation. I am so sorry. If anybody from this story is reading "Promise You'll Be Here", then look forward to another chapter there soon too. I am so sorry for leaving this fic the way I did, that cliffhanger was a horrible place to take an extended hiatus. Thank you all for your patience with me, I appreciate it.  
> All of that put aside, I believe that I am back and ready to finish this story as well as PYBH. So buckle up and get ready for an unnecessary amount of angst and eventual fluff/smut. I hope you enjoy this chapter and that the rest of the story makes up for my absence!  
> <3

“Castiel!” Crowley, shouts over the music. It’s so loud that Castiel feels the vibrations rattling his chest. The feeling is strange, but he doesn’t mind it as much as some people do. It’s actually slightly relaxing, making him feel like he and the music are connected somehow. “I thought you said you weren’t going to make it,” Crowley says, his accent slurred a bit from all the alcohol he’s consumed. 

It’s strange for Castiel to see Crowley so inebriated. His boss usually seems to be ‘kingly’ in everything he does. Even the way he sits down, back straight and head up, seems to put him on a higher pedestal than everyone else. So it’s weird for Crowley to be slouching against the wooden bar, his tie crooked and his hair messed up. 

Not that Castiel blames him for having a good time-- it is his party after all, held in his own house. Crowley could get as drunk as he wants and just have to walk to his bedroom to pass out. But at work, Crowley is straight as arrow as he walks around the office in his suit and tie. His hair is always perfectly arranged, never a hair out of place. 

Castiel puts his drink down on the bar before signing to Crowley,  **I decided to come for a little bit. It would be rude to turn down an invitation from my boss.**

It was a major relief for Castiel to learn that Crowley understood sign language. Castiel hasn’t spoken a word in nearly six years. When he was hired at the publishing company, he hadn’t told them that he was mute. He had hoped that writing on a piece of paper would suffice for communication, but to his surprise, Crowley was fluent in sign and had no issue with translating when needed. 

He did get close enough to someone to want to say things to them, to speak out loud as he’d done before… but that was something he couldn’t bring himself to do again. He even stopped speaking with Gabriel, though that happened slowly. 

“Well I am glad you could make it nonetheless,” Crowley said with a smile. Sympathy filled his eyes as he said, “Do try to have  _ some _ fun, okay? Go dance with someone or get wasted. If you can’t walk home there’s a guest room you can stay in here.” 

Smiling one last time, Crowley walks away, disappearing in the large crowd of people. The party is a lot bigger than Castiel had previously anticipated. He knew that Crowley had lots of acquaintances, but this was insane. 

Looking down, Castiel fixes the cuff of his suit jacket. He hates wearing suits, something he’s realized over the past few years of working in a professional publishing house, but the party was formalwear, so he had no choice. He still can’t help longing to take the suit off and slip on a pair of sweatpants. He spends five days a week, sometimes six, in a stuffy suit and tie. So, on his days off, he refuses to wear anything but loungewear. 

Turning around on his barstool, which he just barely managed to get, Castiel waves down the bartender that Crowley hired for the evening. He grabs his notebook, something he hasn’t left the house without in six years, and writes,  **A beer, please?**

The bartender gives him an odd look as he slides the notebook over, but nods anyways, walking away to grab Castiel’s drink. The bartender comes back quickly, setting the beer in front of Castiel before walking away to tend to another patron. Grabbing his cold drink, Castiel turns and slides off of his stool, planning to find another place to waste the next half an hour before he leaves. 

Weaving his way through the crowd is nerve wracking for Castiel. He’s never liked being in a room with so many people, then having to find a way around their dancing forms is even worse. He feels like he’s intruding or being a nuisance, but he couldn’t see any other path out of the crowded room than going straight through. 

Halfway through the crowd, Castiel realizes how hot and stuffy the room has become and he begins to feel claustrophobic. Taking a deep breath of the warm, humid air, Castiel surges forward, breaking out of the crowd. He walks into the next room where he knows there is a door to an outdoor balcony. 

He’s only been to Crowley’s house on one other occasion. He was invited over for a company dinner one night about two years ago to celebrate them reaching their goal of one twenty-five thousand books published. He remembers feeling very out of place among the professional publishers, as he had just started his job a few months before. So he’d snuck away during the after dinner drinks, wandering around Crowley’s large house looking for somewhere he could breathe for a moment. 

Lucky for him, he stumbled across a door to the huge balcony on the second floor of the house. He’s stood out there for a good half an hour before deciding he should rejoin the dinner party, but he had found the view of Crowley’s back garden rather peaceful. 

He hopes that it is still the same way. 

As Castiel opens the balcony door, he catches a whiff of cigarette smoke and his nose instantly scrunches up. He walks out onto the balcony and walks to the other end, away from the person smoking. Leaning on the black railing, Castiel takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, feeling tension release from his muscles. 

He wouldn’t say that he still has social anxiety like he did in highschool, but being around so many people for so long definitely makes him uptight and drains his energy. 

Swirling his beer around, Castiel opens his eyes with a sigh and stares up at the stars. It’s a clear night, making it easy to see the millions of stars the night sky has to offer. He’s always loved the sky, finding it’s unpredictability and the freedom it possesses intriguing. 

Even though Castiel has moved past the incident that occurred when he was younger, he still has moments where he has a hard time handling the anxiety that can wash over him in an instant. He’s debated going through therapy to move past the event, but decided that he can work through it on his own. It’s something he’s had to deal with for a while, but he thinks that he has made progress. 

He takes a long drink of his beer, relishing the feeling of the cold liquid running down his throat. The balcony door opens quickly, catching Castiel’s attention. He glances over and sees a man breathing heavily, his head turning side to side quickly.

Castiel turns his gaze back to the stars before he hears a soft gasp. 

“ _ Cas _ ?” a quiet voice asks, sounding out of breath and in shock. 

Turning around slowly, Castiel comes to meet a pair of bright green eyes filled with shock and a strange emotion Castiel can’t place. 

All of the breath rushes out of Castiel’s lungs and he takes a step forward, some strange instinct from six years ago. The man in front of him releases a shaky breath and his hands fly up to run through his hair. 

“It’s really you,” the man breaths, stepping forward. “Fuck, Cas, it’s really you.”

Castiel nods, looking at the ground. Emotions from six years ago rise up in his chest and he doesn’t know how to handle them. He hears Dean walk toward him and he looks up quickly, hurt overwhelming him. He thought that he’d moved past all of the anger and betrayal he’d felt when Dean left suddenly, but with one glance at Dean it all comes back with a fury. 

“How are you?” Dean asks, standing closer than Castiel would like him to be. 

**I’m fine** , Castiel signs. He sees a flash of sadness in Dean’s eyes as he signs before it disappears quickly as Dean’s hands raise up. 

**That’s good to hear** , Dean signs, his movements fluent and a major change from what Castiel remembered them to be.  **I thought I saw you walk through the crowd and I had to come out and see if it really was you** . 

**You can sign** , signs Castiel, shock evident on his face. Dean nods, a small chuckle falling from his lips. Castiel can feel himself getting addicted to the sound already and he forces himself to take a step back, pressing himself against the railing. He sees how the action confuses Dean, but he doesn’t care. He will keep his distance from the beautiful man who hurt him so much all those years ago. 

A look of confusion still on Dean’s face, he signs,  **I’d hope so. I majored in American Sign Language in college.**

A loud gasp sounds from the back of Castiel’s throat and his eyes widen in surprise. He feels a small part of himself-- an infinitesimal part-- thaw out a little bit towards Dean. Instantly the question of ‘why?’ runs through his head and he wonders, briefly, if he’s the reason. 

He decides that he can’t be the reason, at least not the only one, for Dean taking that major. That’s at least four years of Dean’s life dedicated towards learning the language, which is a lot of time to give away for one person. 

**Wow** , Castiel signs, unsure of what else to say. He knows what he wants to say, but none of it would be very appropriate to say to his long lost ex-boyfriend. Dean laughs once again and a light blush shows on his freckled cheeks.  **Congratulations.**

**Thank you** , Dean signs back. His green eyes fall to the ground and Castiel sees a flurry of emotions flash across Dean’s face. He almost knows what Dean is about to sign before he does it.  **I’ve missed you.**

**Don’t** , Castiel signs quickly. His eyes flash with anger and hurt as he signs the word again.  **I don’t want to talk about that.**

“Cas,” Dean says, his voice defeated. The way he is switching back and forth between speaking and signing is jarring for Castiel, but he assumes it’s because English is Dean’s first language. “Please, let me explain.” 

Before Dean even finishes his sentence, Castiel is signing, **No, I don’t want to talk about this.** **And if you won’t drop it, I’m leaving.**

“No!” Dean says, his voice panicked. “Don’t leave. Please. I won’t bring it up. How-- how’d you end up at this party?”  

Sighing, Castiel walks over to a two person table sitting against the wall. He looks over to Dean, who remains frozen in the same place. Castiel jerks his head towards the empty seat across from him, not missing the flinch that runs through Dean’s body. 

Slowly, as if he could scare Castiel by sitting down too quickly, Dean pulls the chair out and lowers himself onto it. Dean’s expression still shows Castiel how desperate he feels and Castiel gains a small amount of guilt for putting that look on Dean’s face. He didn’t want to meet Dean again in this way. He didn’t want to meet Dean again at all. 

**Crowley is my boss** , Castiel signs after an awkward moment without conversation. Dean’s eyes widen for a reason Castiel can’t understand. He tilts his head to the side, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion. 

“I didn’t realize you worked for Hopeful Eternity Language Logistics…” Dean trails off, his eyes still open wide. Castiel hates the way his brain notes how the green color of Dean’s eyes hasn’t changed in the past six years. 

Nodding, Castiel signs,  **I’ve worked there for two years now after graduating Columbia University.**

“Damn Cas,” Dean exhales, shaking his head. “I knew you’d grow up to be smart, but Columbia? Jesus, that’s… that’s great, man. I’m guessing you majored in English, didn’t you?” 

Castiel nods, his cheeks heating up at the sudden praise from Dean. He can’t stand how Dean still has this effect on him. He thought he’d moved on, after all, it’s not like he’s been single for the entire six years since they broke up. A few dates with random people and even one relationship that grew to be pretty serious. Yet after only ten minutes around Dean, Castiel has been thrown back to how he felt in high school. 

_ How pathetic,  _ he thinks to himself. 

**What about you?** Castiel signs, not commenting on the compliments.  **How’d you end up here?**

Dean laughs under his breath a little before leaning closer to Cas, as if he were about to tell him a deep, dark secret. “Well, Sammy was supposed to come here with his girlfriend as his plus one, but that didn’t end up happening,” Dean says, a grimace showing up on his face. “He broke up with her a few days ago.” 

The way Dean speaks about his younger brother is like a blast from the past for Castiel. He remembers Sam, how Dean adored him. It seems to Castiel like some things never change. 

**He must be upset,** Castiel says. He looks down at the table, unsure of what else to say. He knows what he’d say if… no. He’s not even going to think about that. 

“He is,” Dean admits, “but he’ll get over it. She was a bitch anyways.” 

They fall into silence after that, neither sure of what to say. It’s awkward and quickly makes Castiel uncomfortable, but he doesn’t want to leave. He finds himself wanting to learn more about how Dean’s life has been since he left him all those years ago. He knows that he said he didn’t want to talk about it, but questions keep popping up in his mind. He doesn’t want to hear apologies or an explanation, but he is compelled to ask about how Dean’s life was… without him. 

Castiel know that is a horrible thing to wonder. He knows deep in his heart that he wants to learn that Dean’s life was horrible without him, but he has a feeling it won’t be. Dean looks… settled. While his physical looks appear to be almost the same, though Castiel will admit he looks more mature, Dean seems less troubled. 

He seems happy. 

Why this conclusion feels like a bad thing to Castiel, he has no idea. He’d always just wanted Dean to be happy, but he always thought he would be the one to bring Dean to have such joy. 

_ God, Castiel get a grip, _ he tells himself.  _ You’ve moved on. You wanted Dean to be happy. Just because he’s here in front of you doesn’t mean anything changes.  _

**Where do you work?** Castiel asks. He’d had to get Dean’s attention before signing, the green eyed man having spaced out during their silence. 

At Castiel’s question, a smile breaks out over Dean’s face. “I am an interpreter. I don’t interpret for a single person though, I usually just go to large speeches or events and interpret what the speaker is saying. It’s nice, being able to help others.”

Castiel nods, getting flashes from when Dean and he were younger. He remembers how much Dean enjoyed helping others, often putting them before himself. That’s the Dean that Castiel fell in love with, the selfless, kind person. Not the one who left him. 

Castiel sighs in frustration, hating how quickly he’s allowed Dean to put him under his spell once again. He’s sure that Dean has no idea what he’s doing. After all, it’s not like he’s hitting on him or anything. They’re just talking like normal people, so Castiel can’t understand why he is acting this way. It’s juvenile and pathetic. 

**That’s great, Dean.**

A red blush rises into Dean’s cheeks and Castiel looks away, pleased that he could affect Dean that way too. 

_ Dammit, Castiel. Stop it, _ he thinks to himself. He rolls his eyes at himself, but judging the way Dean shrinks back in his seat, he must think Castiel was rolling his eyes at him. 

Deciding to ask the question Castiel knows he shouldn’t, he signs,  **What made you go into that major?**

Dean flushes again, this time pink rushing into his entire face and the tips of his ears. He doesn’t even need to say anything for Castiel to know what the answer is. “Um, I-I don’t know,” Dean lies, his voice quiet and timid. Castiel nods in understanding, looking down at his hands. “I just thought it would be a good thing to learn, I guess.” 

Castiel decides not comment, not wanting to point out Dean’s obvious lie. Dean already looks red enough from the question alone, he doesn’t need to die from embarrassment too. Instead, he nods, as if the entire thing makes perfect sense to him, which it most definitely doesn’t. 

He still doesn’t understand how someone could take a major in something just for a single person. Someone they haven’t even spoken to or seen in years. It’s… it’s insane. 

“So, uh, how’s Gabriel?” Dean asks, glancing down at the table like the question would anger Castiel. Surprisingly, it doesn’t. He figured that Dean would eventually ask about his brother, they did know each other. 

**He’s fine,** Castiel begins.  **He’s even married, if you can believe that. He found a nice girl named Kahli. They’ve been together for four years and are expecting a baby in a few months.**

“Wow,” Dean says, shaking his head. “I never thought Gabriel would tie the knot to anyone, let alone have a kid.” 

Castiel smiles and huffs a silent laugh, drawing Dean’s attention.  **Neither did I.**

“You must be pretty excited to become an uncle. I remember how you used to like kids, I assume that hasn’t changed,” Dean teases. Castiel shakes his head because no, his love of children has not changed. 

Just as Castiel goes to sign something else to Dean, the tension completely out of both of them, Castiel’s phone goes off. Both of the men startle, pulled out of the trance they’d fallen into. It was strange, the bubble they’d fallen into together throughout the conversation. It had come to feel like they were the only two out on the balcony, when in fact, the man smoking was still standing there. 

Castiel grabs his phone from his back pocket, he checks the home screen, which indicates a text from Gabriel. 

**It’s Gabriel,** Castiel signs, telling Dean to wait a minute. 

As he opens the text, Castiel hears Dean mutter under his breath, “Speak of the devil.” 

(Gabriel):  _ Hey bro, would you be able to run to the grocery store real quick? Kahli really wants some chocolate, but I don’t want to leave and go get some. She hasn’t been feeling well today _ , the text reads. 

His fingers moving quickly, Castiel texts back.

(Castiel):  _ Sure, I’ll be there in about half an hour. _

Castiel drops his phone down on the table, looking up at Dean. He actually feels disappointed that he has to leave, it was nice speaking with Dean again. Even though he is still upset from what happened, it was good learning that Dean is okay. 

**Sorry,** Castiel signs.  **I need to leave.**

“Oh, okay,” Dean answers, his voice giving away how disappointed he is too. “Wait, um… I’m not sure if you want it, but- but here’s my card. It has my number on it, if you… um, if you ever wanted to contact me for any reason.” 

Castiel reaches out and takes the card, his heart beginning to race. He feels happiness raise up in chest at the thought of contacting Dean again and he scolds himself mentally again. He shouldn’t be thinking this way still. 

**Thank you** , Castiel signs. He stands up, grabbing his phone.  **Goodbye, Dean.** Castiel meets Dean’s green eyes, which are filled with that same strange emotion from earlier. 

They turn sad as Dean waves slightly before saying, “Bye, Cas.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by Heavy Handed by James Bay.  
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please leave a comment telling me your thoughts on it and anything else you wish to share. <3


	16. The Vision Still Remains

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey, I'm back. It's been nearly a year since I posted the last chapter, I figured it was time to update again.  
> In all seriousness, I'm sorry for leaving this fic for so long. This past year was hectic and I had no motivation to write fanfic. I considered abandoning this fic, but I couldn't bring myself to. This is my first fic I published here, so I'm a bit sentimental.  
> Hopefully, I finish it this summer. However, you know me, it may not happen. So, no promises...  
> Enjoy the chapter, I had fun writing this one! ;) Thanks again to DarkHeartintheSky for being a great beta!

“No way,” Gabriel says, looking at Castiel with wide eyes. “Of all the people you could’ve run into, it was that bastard?” 

Castiel shrugs, sitting the plastic grocery bag on the kitchen counter. He pulls out the bars of chocolate, all of them a different brand. Gabriel wasn’t specific on what kind Kahli wanted, so Castiel bought every variety he could find. Or, maybe he’s admittedly wound tight after the party. 

“So, did he apologize?” Gabriel asks, pulling out a bar stool from the island. Castiel turns around, leaning against the counter. He looks down at the ground, shaking his head. Gabriel scoffs, muttering, “Typical.” 

Looking up, Castiel snaps a finger to get Gabriel to look at him.  **I didn’t give him the chance** , he signs, his movements sharp.  **I didn’t want to hear it. It wouldn’t have changed anything.**

“Did you at least let him explain why he left?” Gabriel questions, looking at Castiel in exasperation . A few moments go by without an answer. Gabriel shakes his head in disbelief, saying, “Of course you didn’t. The one thing you should’ve asked, and you didn’t.” 

The two stare at each other for a minute before Castiel signs,  **I don’t know if I’ll like the answer.**

“Who gives a shit what the answer is, Cas? He hurt you. Bad. And you know what, he deserves to explain why he did it! I saw how you two were back then. Dean loved you,” Gabriel says, voice getting louder. “He wouldn’t have left without a reason.” 

Castiel shakes his head, looking at the ground. Years of anger and hurt swirls through him. Regardless, he signs,  **I’m done wondering. I moved on a long time ago.**

“Bullshit. You’ve only had one boyfriend since Dean left, and you still haven’t told me why you broke up with Balthazar.” 

**Yes, I did. He was a flirt and I never trusted him.**

Gabriel looks at Castiel through narrowed eyes. “Castiel, he was going to propose to you. He loved you. Yeah, he could be an asshole, but he was committed to you. Are you sure you didn’t break up with him because you still have feelings for--” 

**Stop. Don’t even suggest that.**

Talking over Castiel’s signing, Gabriel says, “All I’m saying is that I don’t buy what you’re selling. It’s okay if you still have feelings for lover boy, but you should stop lying to yourself.” 

Angrily, Castiel turns around, grabbing his keys off of the counter. Without another word, he storms out of Gabriel’s house, slamming the door. Gabriel shouts something as Castiel opens his car door, but the words are unintelligible. Shutting his car door loudly, Castiel starts the engine and huffs in frustration.  _ What the hell does he know?  _

***

Three days later and Castiel is staring at Dean’s card for the billionth time. It started out as a harmless glance to satisfy his curiosity, but quickly turned into an internal debate; contact Dean or throw away the card. Every spare moment he has, Castiel pulls the card from his wallet and stares at the number printed at the bottom. It’s stupid, he knows that, but the desire to converse with Dean is strong and getting stronger. 

He wants to hear Dean’s explanation for leaving. 

_ Fuck _ . Sitting back in his chair, Castiel throws the card down on the desk. He stares at it for another moment before pulling his cell phone out of his back pocket. Quickly, he unlocks it and goes to the messaging app, trying to ignore every thought running through his mind. 

What’s the worst thing that could happen? Dean leaves again? Castiel is pretty sure he could handle that, having done it already. Or, he hopes he could. All he wants is to have coffee and hear Dean’s side of the story. 

Typing quickly, he enters Dean’s number into his contacts and writes the message without hesitation. 

Castiel :  _ Hello, Dean. This is Castiel Novak. Are you free for coffee tomorrow at noon? _

He stares at the screen for a long time, deleting and rewriting the text the exact same way four times. Eventually, he hits the send button, his stomach in his throat. After a few seconds, Castiel turns his phone off so he doesn’t have to look at the response bubbles of Dean answering. 

Sitting up straight and scooting closer to his desk, Castiel tries to resume his work. His phone buzzes while he’s in the middle of writing an email to Crowley. He tries to ignore it, knowing he should prioritize his work, but he can’t even remember what he was emailing Crowley about. Sighing in defeat, he grabs his phone and opens the message. 

Dean W.: _Absolutely! Where should I meet you? :)_

Without his permission, Castiel lets out a huff of laughter at Dean’s use of an emoticon. He never struck Dean as the type to use them.  _ Maybe I should wait a few minutes before responding, so he doesn’t think I was waiting for his reply…  _

Castiel shakes his head, mentally cursing himself. He’s not a teenage girl texting her crush for the first time. He’s a grown man, who doesn’t even have feelings for the other person in the conversation.  _ Yeah _ . 

Rolling his eyes at himself, Castiel types out a short response, detailing the address of his favorite coffee shop. It was the first place he went to when he moved to New York and he immediately fell in love with it. It’s small and homely, reminding him of Lawrence.  _ Dean will love it,  _ he thinks. He quickly chastises himself,  _ But this isn’t about him, this is about getting the answers I need. A brief conversation, like a business meeting.  _

Dean texts back right away, his message including another emoticon. Castiel tries not to find it endearing. 

For the rest of the day, Castiel is distracted, despite his best efforts to focus on his work. He is, however, proud that he doesn’t reread the conversation, more than once that is. 

***

The next morning, Castiel is feeling a bit frazzled. Not only is he worried about meeting Dean, but he spilled coffee on himself as he walked into work. Then, Crowley came in to work pissed off and took it out on everyone in the office. And, to top off the morning, one of his projects in the early stages was rejected and had to be completely thrown out. Needless to say, Castiel debates postponing his coffee with Dean multiple times. He’s not sure why he didn’t, but by eleven thirty, he wishes he had. Unfortunately, he knows it’s too late to do that now. 

So, he walks down the street to the coffee shop, his stomach in knots. He relaxes when the smell of freshly brewed coffee and baked muffins hits him as he opens the door, but when he spots Dean sitting at a corner table, the relaxed feeling disappears.  

He walks over, eyes trained on the hardwood floor until he reaches the table. When he finally looks up at Dean, he finds bright green eyes trained on his face. The two look at each other for a moment, neither saying anything. Finally, Dean breaks the silence. 

“Hey, Cas,” he says, smiling. Castiel notes that he looks nervous, but happy. If Dean notices the coffee stain, he doesn’t let on. Castiel waves, feeling a bit awkward.  There’s so much he wants to say, but there’s no way to bring it up. “Um, so, wanna get some coffee?” Dean asks. He stands up, not waiting for Castiel’s answer, and begins walking to the counter. 

Castiel follows his lead, standing in line behind him. He’s not surprised when Dean orders a black coffee and picks up a blueberry muffin. When Dean’s done ordering, he steps to the side, allowing Castiel to step forward. When Castiel pulls out his phone to type up his order, Dean taps him on the shoulder. 

“Cas, would you want… I mean, I can interpret, if you want-- not that you can’t type it if you’d rather. But, it might just be easier--” Dean says. Castiel stops him with a wave of his hand. 

**Okay,** he signs.  **A medium coffee with one cream and a sugar.**

Nodding, Dean turns to the barista and translates the order. She tells Dean the price and looks a bit confused when Castiel pulls out his card without Dean signing the cost. Neither of them explain, as she doesn’t ask.

Once both of them has their order, they walk side by side back to the table, sitting across from each other. 

“So, um, I was a bit surprised to hear from you,” Dean says timidly. He’s looking down into his coffee like it has all of the answers. “I really didn’t think you were going to text me.” 

Castiel nods, silently urging Dean to look at him. When Dean does look up, it’s with a shy, almost fearful expression.  **I almost didn’t.**

Dean looks down again for a second, nodding. He meets Castiel’s eyes again with a strange gleam in his eyes. “Can I ask why you changed your mind?” he asks. His voice is a bit stronger now, but Castiel can see through it. It’s the same mask he used to wear, all the times he would say, ‘I’m fine’. 

Pondering, Castiel signs,  **I’m not sure. I think I just want answers.**

Once again, Dean nods while looking down at the table. “And I’ll give them to you. Whatever you ask, I’ll answer. I owe you that.” 

Castiel takes a long drink of his coffee and a deep breath before signing, **I want to know you left without saying goodbye. Did I really make you that mad by telling Pam you needed help?**

Dean sighs, shaking his head. “I expected that question,” he nervously chuckles. “No, Cas. I didn’t leave because you told Pam about me.” 

**Then why?**

“Well,” Dean begins, “the police showed up to the house a few days after I left your house. I wanted to go back and apologize Cas, I really did. I’m so sorry for leaving things like that, I haven’t ever gotten over the guilt of doing that--”

**Stop. I don’t want your apologies, just an explanation,** Castiel signs. Dean looks rejected, but Castiel doesn’t care. The apology will just make it harder to walk away from Dean when Castiel has the closure he wants. 

“Um, the cops showed up. Dad hid, of course. I think Pam reported him, but I never got a chance to ask,” Dean says, not looking at Castiel. “But Dad was pissed off and scared, so he uh… he dragged Sammy and I away that day. Took us to California for a few months, then Washington State, then finally New York.”

Castiel stares at Dean for a moment, shocked. Of all the explanations Castiel had come up with over the years, that was never one. Yeah, he’d seen the ‘wanted’ signs for John’s arrest, but he figured it was for a crime he’d committed after they were already gone. Not the entire reason they disappeared. 

**Why didn’t you come say goodbye? I could’ve helped you.**

“Cas,” Dean sighs, “even if I had come to you, there wasn’t anything you could do. And, when I say Dad dragged us away, I mean literally. He practically threw me into the Impala.” He hesitates, his mouth opening and closing for a second before he says, “And I thought you were better off without me.”

Shocked, Castiel stares at Dean with wide eyes and an open mouth.  **What do you mean? I needed you, Dean. You knew that.**

Dean shrugs. “I was a piece of shit as a teenager, Cas. My dad was a deadbeat, I was trailer trash, just without a trailer. You didn’t need me hanging around, making your life harder,” he chuckles. Castiel stares at him, not finding that humorous. 

An inexplicable rage runs through Castiel at the sheer idiocy of the man sitting in front of him. He is so upset that he opens his mouth, about to yell at Dean, before he catches himself.  _ Woah.  _

Taking a deep breath, Castiel signs,  **Are you kidding me? That’s bullshit. Fuck you, Dean.** Grabbing his things, Castiel slides off of his stool and starts storming towards the door. 

“Cas!” Dean shouts, following Castiel and gently grabbing his arm. “Please, don’t go. Not yet. I just found you, please don’t tell me I’ve lost you again already.” 

Castiel sighs, his tense shoulders slumping.  **Fine. But I have to be back to work soon.** Sitting back down, he signs,  **How could you even think that I didn’t need you? You helped me get my voice back.**

“But--” 

**No, there are no ‘buts’. I needed you, Dean. I can’t believe you didn’t know that. Tell me about your life now. I don’t think there’s anything else that will explain the past.**

Dean nods, taking a drink of his coffee. He opens up his muffin and breaks it in half, sliding the other part of it to Castiel. “Well, you know I’m an interpreter. I live here in the city in an apartment building. Sam lives outside the city with Jess, but I’m just happy he lives in this state.” 

**What happened to your dad?** Castiel asks, taking a bite of the muffin. 

“He died a few years ago. Wrapped the Impala around a tree after one of his all nighters at a bar. I was already out of college, Sam was a freshman in college… we got over it pretty quickly,” Dean says. His voice suggests differently, but Castiel doesn’t comment on that. 

**I’m sorry.**

“Thank you, but it’s really okay. He was bound to do somethin’ like that eventually.” 

Castiel nods, but looks at Dean sympathetically.  **But I know how you feel about your family. I’m sure it was hard for you.**

Dean’s eyes are trained on his coffee cup, appearing to have an internal war with himself. “I mean, yeah it was hard. But Sam and I had been expecting it for years; he was reckless and stupid all the time, but it was worse when he was drunk.” 

Castiel doesn’t say anything, knowing that there isn’t anything that would help. A few seconds of silence pass by before Dean takes a loud breath. “Looks like I’m out,” he says, wiggling his cup, “want a refill?” 

Taking Castiel’s coffee cup, Dean walks up to the counter, leaving Castiel at the table.  _ This isn’t as awkward as it could’ve been,  _ he thinks, fiddling with his tie. He glances over at Dean, standing in line with both of their cups. The man in question looks nervous again, but this time, a flash of guilt runs through Castiel. 

Sighing, Castiel stands up and walks over to Dean. He gently pulls his coffee cup from Dean’s hand. When he looks up, Dean is staring at him, smiling a little. 

**You looked lonely** , Castiel signs as an explanation. Dean nods, still smiling.  **Stop smiling at me,** Castiel teases. 

“Okay,” Dean says, frowning exaggeratedly. Castiel smiles, huffing a laugh, which only serves to make Dean smile again. After they ask for a refill, Dean turns to Castiel. “So um, you never told me how you ended up in New York. Obviously, you went to Columbia, but why there?” 

Castiel looks at Dean, grabbing his cup before beginning to answer.  **Gabriel. He decided to move here and I--**

Without warning, a large body crashes into Castiel from behind, sending him stumbling into Dean. Coffee splashes up onto Castiel’s torso for the second time today. Dean’s hands fly up to Castiel’s arms, steadying him. Briefly, Castiel hears a mumbled apology from behind him, but neither Dean or Castiel say anything. 

“Jesus,” Dean mutters. “Come on, let’s go get you cleaned up.” 

Setting their cups down on the table, Dean looks around the room. “Where’s the bath--” 

Huffing a laugh, Castiel walks around Dean and leads him to the one stall bathroom in the back of the shop. He feels a bit embarrassed walking into the restroom with Dean, considering it’s meant for one person at a time, but he figures that everyone in the shop just saw what happened. Besides, Dean looks completely fine with it, so no worries, right? 

Dean shuts the door, hitting the lock, as Castiel walks over to the paper towel dispenser. He grabs a handful of paper towels, wetting them a little before he starts wiping the coffee from his shirt, which helps nothing. Dean watches from the door, until Castiel huffs in frustration. 

“Um,” he says, taking a hesitant step forward, “let me try.” 

Castiel looks at him for a moment before handing over the paper towels. He finds himself holding his breath as Dean steps forward until they are barely a foot away from each other. Dean’s eyes are focused on Castiel’s shirt as he reaches forward to dab the dark stain, but Castiel can’t bring himself to look away from Dean’s face. 

After a few minutes of Dean gently dabbing Castiel’s stomach, he looks up to meet Castiel’s eyes. He’d stepped forward a bit more, causing them to be less than six inches from each other when their face to face. “I think that’s as good as it’s going to be,” Dean says softly, eyes on Castiel. 

Castiel nods, wetting his lips unconsciously. That is, until Dean’s eyes follow the movement before darting back to meet Castiel’s eyes. Both of them start leaning into each other, like magnets. 

Suddenly, reality comes crashing back to Castiel and he gasps, stepping back. He pushes Dean away, sending hims stumbling back a few steps. Castiel’s back hits the towel dispenser and he hisses in pain, eyes wide and trained on Dean. 

**I have to go,** he signs quickly, stepping around Dean. He hurriedly walks from the room, hearing Dean say his name as the door shuts. 

_ What the hell just happened?  _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the chapter! Leave a comment letting me know if it was a satisfying update (or yelling at me for leaving you hanging for so long). Kudos also motivate me to get my crap together. ;)  
> Thanks for reading!


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